EPTIts 3am and I can't sleep. Why? Well there is a lot on my mind that I simply cant let go of. I tend to get angry at myself for being a failure and for being incompetent compared to my peers around me. I don't hate myself for who I am, I hate myself for what I'm not. lol ok, I guess I do hate myself then, but I just can't be satisfied with who I am right now and what I've done so far on this earth.
I tend to take responsibility for my actions. And more so, the actions that I have no control over either. I can't change people's judgements of me, I can't go back in the past and alter the environment that I grew up in so that I might be able to fine tailor my childhood to better suit my goals, and I sure as hell can't change the skill of people I face on ladder. But, my inner conscience, that little voice that whispers in your head and won't shut the fuck up, ever. does indeed not shut the fuck up.
Why can't I just let things go? It makes logical sense that if I was to let go of things, my life would have a lot less stress and burden for my shoulders to carry. For instance, I recently lost a game on ladder, a TvZ on Belshir Vestige, and my opponent went for a mass speedling bust off of 2 bases. I had a full wall, I had 2 hellions, yet somehow my 200+ apm couldn't raise the depot wall in time AND lost the 2 hellions for maybe a few precious lings. My opponent thought he got lucky. I think I just suck. It would be easier if I just could move onto the next game whilst bearing no emotional distress from the previous game, but I can't stop thinking about it and how badly I fucked that up. I could have also gave credit to my opponent, maybe his build was really good, maybe that free overlord I picked off at the beginning of the game was on purpose to let me off guard, maybe it's not my fault I lost and it's his fault he won.
TvZ on whirlwind, I open 14cc and the zerg goes for a 2 base roach/baneling bust. I build a reactor on my rax instead of a tech lab, cancel it in time, but by the time my tech lab is just finishing up I am already dead. AND, i forgot to make my hellions (came out 10-15 seconds later than usual). Once again, is it my blunder that fucked this up or do I give credit to my opponent and award him where excellence is due? Oh and BTW, lose 20 points for that too. And whenever I win, I get sub 10 points per game, that's really fair blizzard.
Another example of that little voice in your head is when you are trying to fall asleep, but all you hear are your thoughts bouncing off the the inside of your skull, keeping you awake. I tend to like getting 8-9 hours of sleep every night.I am aware of the benefits that a good nights sleep brings you. It pays dividends throughout the day. I have a dentist cleaning in the morning, and although it's a simple cleaning, I just like to be well rested in general. I guess I can't poke too much shit at this because us humans can go for more than a day without adequate sleep yet still function properly.
The most anguish that is created in my life is starcraft 2: heart of the swarm. It gets stressful at times, because I cannot play for extended amounts of time. I need to give my hand/wrist/forearm a break from RSI every so often and I can't rush these breaks. When I start to feel the cringe of pain start to ball up in my bones, it means I have to stop playing and cool off. It is also stressful because I hear so much in interviews how progamers play 40-50+ games a day, if not more. Here I am struggling at barely the high 20s, can't even say 30 a day. Why is this? Because I can't play for extended amounts of time and need to take breaks to let my arms rest. Progamers play 8+ hours a day, most of it in a row. I have to space my games out so, I am barely getting in 25 in a 12 hour period. This is another thing that I obsess about, yet is not something I can really do anything about except think of better ways to practice more efficiently and conduct better time management so I can use my time more sparingly.
As much stress and angst I receive, Hots is the only game that lets me take my mind off of everything else. When I am playing a ladder game, I don't check facebook like an addict, I don't worry about my general incompetence, the little voice in my head starts to become an asset and helps me win games rather than depressing the shit out of me. It's a great escape from the figurative ball and chains I drag all day long, 8 days a week, 25 hours a day. I would play all day if I had the choice, even if it meant losing 10+ games in a row because even though I might lose most of the games I play, there is the instance before the inevitable rage that occurs after losing said games that is filled with a carefree bliss, and an optimistic perspective that you might, you just might win this game.
Why do I get angry from losing? It's just a game!. Well, I think I just get angry that after being so optimistic throughout the game, I end it only to find out that I lost. And when I lose because of something extremely extremely primal such as the TvZ examples mentioned earlier in the blog, I once again feel the general feelings of incompetence and failure-ism that I try to get over every day.
/end rant
