EPT“Hi, um...John is it? Can you pick up a cake for the party. Nothing special.”
“You got it. Nothing special.” I winked at her. She pretended not to notice. I could tell she was speaking in code. She obviously didn’t want José to overhear what she really wanted me to get. As I left to get the cake, I overheard José thanking Mrs. José. He must have heard her mention the cake through the door.
After retrieving the cake, I headed back to the party and handed Mrs. José the cake box.
“No peeking” I told her as she started lifting the box open to peer in.
“It’ll be another surprise” she said, setting it down on the table. To my delight, José saw the cake box and gestured everyone to gather around. Once everyone got in view, he opened the box in excitement. I could barely contain myself as everyone fixated themselves on the naked picture of José I had printed on the cake.
“For God’s sake John, there are children here!” José berated me.
Foolish me. I completely forgot about the children. They were way too short to see the cake on the table! I grabbed José’s daughter and hoisted her up so she could see too. Unfortunately my grip was not as tight as I thought and little Joséina landed face-first in the cake. Mrs. José cleaned her up and shooed her out of the room. This was a grown-ups only cake.
Luckily, the majority of the cake was still salvageable, and José started cutting and handing slices out. With everyone served, José took a bite of the cake for himself.
“Is this chocolate?” He asked.
“White chocolate” I replied. I knew the lack of a brown color in the cake would fool him.
José started violently throwing up. He threw the rest of his cake on the table and ran to the nearest trash can.
“Well lets make sure this piece doesn’t get wasted” I said as I took José’s cake and gave it to the dog.
After a good 20 minutes or so, José was up and ready to go, well sort of. He requested that the rest of the party be held inside because he was too weak to walk around. He looked at the pile of presents and indicated in a soft voice that he was ready to start unwrapping. Mrs. José handed him a small gift from my buddy Steve.
“I wonder what it is” José whispered as he shook it around, listening intently.
“I bet it’s money” I yelled out. Steve sighed, probably regretting telling me beforehand that he got José birthday money.
José opened the gift and saw the money. He shot me a dirty look, obviously jealous of my seemingly psychic abilities. “Thanks Steve” he muttered. Mrs. José went up to grab another gift. I intercepted her and placed my gift in her hands instead. I guided her back to José with a gentle shove.
José took the box and shot me yet another dirty look. He had probably expected something that had gift wrapping and wasn’t water damaged. As he grabbed hold of the box, my present fell through the water damaged bottom onto his lap.
“What the hell is this?” José said, looking at my present: a garden hose with a sticky note on it. He took another look at the note. It had a letter written in marker on it: “A”. Leftover water from inside the garden hose leaked onto his pants.
By this point I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I burst out laughing. José started yelling at me in Mexican but I couldn’t understand a word he was saying. As I was about to be kicked out of the party, I explained to José that that was just a fake present. “The real present’s outside” I told him.
“Bring’er in” he said, still a little peeved about my earlier joke. I ran outside and grabbed my present. I knew José would just love it.
Everybody was still in the living room, anxiously awaiting my surprise when I returned, riding atop José’s birthday lawnmower. I barreled through the kitchen and drove straight up to the birthday boy himself, mowing the rug for him on the way in.
“Happy birthday!”
