|
So recently I found this really nice place with a few friends of mine, we decided to all rent it out together and live there. It's pretty spacious, I'm surprised we can all live comfortably. So everything's going fine and I get home this one evening and my friends can't stop talking about some ridiculous hot plate that one of them found. I'm not exactly sure at this point what a hot plate is or what it's used for, but these guys are talking about it like it's a huge gift from God so I decide to check it out.
Now the problem is that the owner of this thing is my neighbor, and my neighbor happens to be a huge douche. Every time one of my friends tries to talk to him about borrowing the plate, he flies into this huge rage and scares him away. This guy's ENORMOUS, I don't think anyone I know could beat him in a fight. Ridiculously enormous.
A couple of my friends said they'd got to the plate once, and lasted a few seconds before they realized that the neighbor, let's call him Mike, was looking right at them from the shadows. His face immediately contorted and Mike started throwing punches every which way. He missed all of them, he's not too bright or fast from the look of things, but it wouldn't be very fun to be on the receiving end of his fists so they just get the hell out of there and leave the plate behind.
Time went by and my friends got braver, I told them "don't touch his fucking plate" but do they listen? No. These morons are probably bigger idiots than Mike is. So while I stayed behind in the comfort of our home, every single one of them except for me decides it's a good idea to steal this plate and get it home, and these nincompoops don't realize Mike is staring right at them again. The guy's an idiot but he's not blind at all.
This time Mike got violent. He slams one of them against the plate and breaks at least one of his legs, he got out of Mike's place as fast as he could. Another one dodges one of his attacks but then can't turn around for Mike's other hand to pulverize his spine. I'm surprised he even survived that one, real fighter that kid is.
The other guys realize that this plate is way, way too heavy for them to lift and decide to abort mission. They scatter every which way and start running towards our place. Let me emphasize that for you - there is a huge potential murderer chasing them down and THEY ARE RUNNING TO THE PLACE WE LIVE. I'm trying to signal them to turn around and go somewhere else but they keep coming. Lucky for us all, Mike stopped being aggressive after we put some distance between him and the plate. I watched him peacefully leave my view, come back with some Windex, and whistle to himself while scrubbing the bloodstains off of the surface of his plate.
But these guys don't give up at all. All my friends who weren't too banged up by Mike decide to call in their friends, and all these retards start going in groups of three to five to start lifting this godforsaken hot plate all the way to our place. They're literally baiting the wolf to the pigs' house on this one. This time, Mike's all business. The first group goes in; he lunges at nearly every single one of them, and even KILLS one of the first guys to go in there.
But apparently the second group didn't get the message or hear anything because those neanderthals start their operation. They have as much success, although they all get out alive. Some of my friends (but not THEIR friends) start panicking and pass around a message that maybe this hot plate isn't worth all the trouble. Probably can't even be split between the whole crowd that's assembled outside of Mike's property.
Mike's going back to get some Windex and a trash bag for the bodies/limbs when the third group, probably the last one since everyone else including the survivors are backing the living hell away from the living embodiment of Satan. They land on the plate and decide it's so nice that they'll stay at least until Mike shows up. The last thing I saw was three of them murdered with three blows to the body. I think the more we tried to steal his plate, the more agile he got.
The last two guys I didn't stay to watch, but neither of them came to our place after several hours, so I don't think it's anything happy. But if you stuck your head out in Mike's direction, you could hear him speak. And between Windex sprays, all I heard was "Damn flies won't leave my computer alone..."
 
|
Why the fuck are they trying to steal a plate? Why not just buy one? They aren't a precious metal lol.
|
Plates are pretty expensive. My plate cost $300.
+ Show Spoiler +Reread the last sentence of the story 
|
wtf is this i don t even know why are your friends so crazy about the hot plate, food is important and the ability to make a hot meal is very good but comon, was is this
|
lol that was clever
On April 21 2013 08:33 docvoc wrote:
Why the fuck are they trying to steal a plate? Why not just buy one? They aren't a precious metal lol.
I don't think you read the whole thing lol
|
Fuck. I missed the last line... don't judge me 
|
haha well done, well done.
|
Wait wait wait...... Flies have a lair???
|
On April 21 2013 08:54 sths wrote:
Wait wait wait...... Flies have a lair???
Apparently. This morning I was cleaning my windows and I found out where all the flies have been coming from. It's like a crack between the window and the frame filled with brown stuff (compost?) and fly husks. I sprayed over their whole place with canned air and hopefully they all froze to death. I guess I'll find out tomorrow morning 
|
|
|
I was wondering why a plate was so heavy.
Also, some life advice: If your friends repeatedly run into a murderous neighbor's house, you should probably get some new friends.
|
I was wondering whether the plate was slang for a place to live until you started to talk about physically stealing it, then I just got pretty confused lol. After the part where you mentioned someone dying I assumed the story wasn't real, and then the ending wrapped things up lol
|
I don't get it. Is this some pop culture reference?
|
that is pretty nicely done
|
Argh, but why was the neighbor labeled a douchebag instead of your friends?
Also I wouldn't have said that people were dying in that story. It immediately told everyone the story was not real.
|
Hahaha that was good, took me a few minutes and the comments to really get what happened. Knew it was a joke but wow that was subtle.
|
It's not supposed to be the most clever trick story ever, it's supposed to be funny. Which it is. I like it that the windex is literal but the trash bag most likely is not. Also the minor self reference in the story was done well.
|
On April 21 2013 12:22 Epishade wrote:
Argh, but why was the neighbor labeled a douchebag instead of your friends?
Also I wouldn't have said that people were dying in that story. It immediately told everyone the story was not real.
I think by the time you were approaching the end of it you were supposed to figure out something's up. Otherwise it just seems like I have a bunch of idiot friends who keep messing with some jock And not everyone figured it out, at least completely. The first few comments evidences this.
On April 21 2013 12:29 32 wrote:
I like it that the windex is literal but the trash bag most likely is not.
Well it was a small bag that I was putting dirt and stuff into so I could throw it away in one neat package.
|
|
|
I must be missing something. Seems to have gone over my head :/
|
I still don't get what exactly the hot plate is. Are they trying to lift your plate of food? Wouldn't they just sit on it and eat right there.
|
|
|
So many confused people because they didn't read the last sentence. Wow
|
Narrator = a fly. OP = Mike. Plate = his wank sock ;-D
|
I read the last sentence and don't get.
I need it spelled out to me exactly.
|
at first i thought this was told from the perspective of a fly, but then why would you need to pay rent at the apartment?
|
On April 21 2013 20:32 gg_hertzz wrote:
at first i thought this was told from the perspective of a fly, but then why would you need to pay rent at the apartment?
I never said it was an apartment. Or even a building. I say "home", but that could be anything. Digging a ditch in the woods and sleeping there makes that ditch your home.
As for "rent", the flies rent the crack above my window and pay me in fly shit and compost.
I still don't get what exactly the hot plate is. Are they trying to lift your plate of food? Wouldn't they just sit on it and eat right there.
The "plate" is my computer monitor. It gets warm after I use it and for whatever reason it attracts all the flies.
|
I looked up hot plate on urbandictionary and learned something new today.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
