EPTWhat is the point of life? Is it goalless, or is there a greater meaning to it?
If it is goalless, then I should take life as a game: go outside, talk to a random stranger, and imagine getting +1 to charisma. But I am an impatient person, and I rarely finish games, unless they interest me. Does it mean that I'll never reach satisfaction?
What do I expect from life, I do not know. I would like to speak 8 languages, have lots of money, travel in space, visit all the cool places on earth, have a beautiful and loving wife, 3 children - be successful. Is it realistic, maybe; ambitious, surely.
Where do I want to live, I am also unsure of. I am fascinated by big cities, the glamour, LEDs, 9 to 5. Yet at the same time, country life attracts me as well. Sure, there are mosquitoes, but it would be relaxing. Waking up early in the morning, listening to birds sing to each other, getting out of bed and going to the well and get some water, and then take care of crops and animals... idyllic.
City life is fake and real. People seem only to care about what they wear, or the latest and greatest gadgets. Does it really matter if you have the latest iphone or samsung phone, or if your shoes match your belt, socks and whatnot?
Yet it is life nevertheless, only that it seems ambitious and shiftless at the same time. People from small cities or villages go to cities, hoping for the big bucks, but more likely than not, they will just settle with what they are offered. They will settle with mediocrity.
Social relationships will also suffer. There are a lot of people in cities, but with how many of them do we actually speak? Big cities make me feel insignificant and lonely, despite the vast amount of people.
Country life, while looking realer than city life, is definitely harder. I do not see it leading to anywhere, just wake up, work, go to sleep. It feels like just being, like moving on a straight and empty path, with no way to turn left or right.
Although having raised the question of goallessness in life, I myself have obviously made up some goals in my mind. How do I reach them? Again, I do not know. I see many people going to uni, major in business, and end up working in completely irrelevant field of work. If they do end up with a relevant job, they will settle with the employee position, even after several years. That causes me to think, that process of reaching your goals is completely random.
If the process of reaching goals is random, then how can I know if I will ever reach them? The process is easier for people who have something they like doing. What do I like doing, no idea whatsoever. I sit on the computer all day, but I do not do anything really exciting on it. Start the browser, visit news pages, reddit, TL, check for manga updates, repeat.
It is completely pointless, it feels like I am wasting myself. I guess that I am like a drug addict, who does not want to do what he or she does, but will not stop. In fact, I do not know what else to do. Nothing really interests me. I am only dreaming, but not doing. Sometimes I get these great ideas in my head, and I feel like writing them down, but I will not; it feels pointless.
I have had the idea of becoming a writer, but then my mind will shut that idea down. My grammar is not good enough, I doubt in everything; how I write each word, each comma, how is the sentence structured. In addition to that I say to myself, that there is no point in writing in my native tongue, as there would not be many readers.
I could not write in English as well, because my grammar and vocabulary would be lacking. My beliefs would also not allow me to write in English as it feels like betraying my ancestors, who died for my country and its freedom.
Recently I have tried reading various philosophical texts, such as Bhagavad Gita and Daodejing, and I have concluded that they are mostly the same. They may be interpreted differently, but some points, at least to me, seem similar a la one should not do anything for pleasure, but to help others, and reach satisfaction that way. Teachings of Taoism seemed mostly gibberish (I am pretty sure something was lost in translation).
I like the idea of helping people, but I also want to be successful: I am ambitious. I cannot imagine living without materialism. It is after all the modern religion - money, things. Before deciding what is the right way to live, I would have to experience it all, would I not?
How can I find out what I like? Probably by doing a lot. But to do a lot, I should know what to do. If I do not know of different activities, jobs, careers, games, ideas, how could I ever hope to achieve my goals? After all, it is the process which matters, and to reach my goals, I have to enjoy the process.
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Some food for thought:
Some songs from James Blake's new album "Overgrown":
+ Show Spoiler +
Some more songs:
+ Show Spoiler +
Be sure to listen to the whole "Futuristic Dragon" album by T. Rex
