EPTI lay elongated on my scruffy and cluttered bed, a haven and sanctuary for my most precious and personal of thoughts. On top lies my duvet, an engulfing mass of comfort and protection, but it cannot protect me from what resides in my hand. It is a thing of torment and delight, misery and guilt, yet it rests in it’s location once more. My eyes do not leave it and the cemented preoccupation of my worn mind lays on it once more. In my hand I have a large, and empty, sweet wrapper. In my hand I have my enemy.
Today, of all days, I find myself discharged from Hospital after a long and consuming stay. The count lies at over three months, but what I find ironically humorous is that now I want to go back. In the ward there was safety, comfort, friends and understanding. I was there for my problems, to resolve them, but I always saw myself as helping others. It was easier that way. Why was I in Hospital so long you may wonder? Well the answer isn’t clear cut, but it can be put simply: Anorexia. My weight had deteriorated rapidly and I had been brought in against my own wishes. When I had arrived, I couldn’t think of anything worse than being ‘Trapped’ in a ward, isolated from normality. Now that I have left, I can’t think of anything better. But then this is life. We move from phase to phase and I must progress. My weight hasn’t increased that much, but it has to an extent that I can be discharged, though not to one in which I find myself healthily eating or at a healthy weight. In the eyes of science, I am still considered ‘Dangerously underweight’, but in mine, a different story is told. I don’t see myself as fat, but I don’t see myself as having a problem. A curious reality it is; One in which I cannot escape yet one in which I tell myself nothing is wrong.
Anyway, back to the sweets. I had decided it was a good idea to eat and eat I did. In a temporary urge of optimism I had consumed all of them, determined to not return to Hospital, something I have already been told is a very possible expectation. The problem is however, this determination didn’t last long. Now, I find myself in a place I am well acquainted with; Guilt. I regret it, I wish I could go back, but a part of me, a small and distant part, knows it is what I must do. Why am I writing this, you may further wonder? Well, again, it’s not too clear cut. Please don’t think of me as egotistical, I simply write this for I wish to find a way to express what I am feeling. To tell the truth. In a world in which we so often mask our own and true feelings under the elusive face of deceit, I wish to find a new avenue to share. An avenue for change.
I guess this is it for now. I’ll write more when I have the time and try and keep any of you who are interested updated on my story. I’m sorry to have burdened you with my thoughts and fears. Now, a distraction? I guess I’ll just start up Starcraft 2…
Thank you for reading.
