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Hey TL, today has been a hard day to deal with for me. I don't know what to say other than I have let myself down immensely, and I feel like I'm going to throw up acid. I have no apetite, I have no words to describe this feeling; this deep, almost voidlike, feeling whelling up in my stomach.
I'm Barely Not Good Enough
I got a C in my first semester IB Math SL class. A lot of people on here will call me stupid for that, and they have a right to do so. I feel like an idiot. I got a 79.4, .1 points off of a B (my school rounds because of the way they do their grades in the system that the administration uses, and also to slightly puff up grades to look better for college. I feel like I'm worthless. I applied to really high level colleges, I had a few B's, up to 4 B's and 3 A's in the IB at one point, but now I'm fucked. I realized that my GPA wasn't as high as I could hope it to be, it was not a perfect 5.0 (5.0 is with weighted grading), but I had a pretty good average at 4.23. I feel like a fuck up, my GPA dropped by .12 and now every college I'm applying to is going to see that glaring C, that I almost had as a B, by literally .1 of a full point.
I don't know what to say. I feel almost broken, I've worked my ass off for this. I've dreamed of going to Stanford, I've always wanted to go to that school. Now I can only hope they defer me or wait list me. There is no way in fuck that they accept a student with a C. The worst part is that I worked so hard for this, for two fucking years. The grade system my school has used has changed 3 times throughout my tenure in the IB, and now it means fuck all for me. They made it harder, and harder, and harder each time, until they were forced to revert some of the IB grading back a bit because they were actually making our grades so hard that getting an A was all but impossible in some courses. I don't know what to tell myself. I was so close to having that B, I worked so hard for that B, I didn't know how to do derivatives well because the teacher was derping out, and the IB book we use teaches derivatives poorly. I screwed up, I just couldn't get my shit together for 1 quarter, and that quarter damned me. I don't know what to fully say to myself to not make myself feel like a loser. I've sacrificed so much to do well in the IB, and the fact that I was lied to about the program when I joined this program, not to mention how poorly U.S. universities understand the IB, has screwed me. Hell I've screwed myself.
Yeah I did, didn't I
What hurts more than anything else is that this cements in my mind the fact that I'm always just barely second place. I was just barely out of range for my school's highest honor for academic achievement, I was just 1 point away from having a 30 on my ACT, I was 10 points away from having a 700 on one of my SAT sections and making my SAT near push 2k, I was just barely away from not having an arm injury that has prevented me from playing sports without pain, I was just barely away from being an A-B student, I was just barely not good enough for everything. Hell, maybe I'm just barely not good enough to deserve half the shit I have. I was just barely not good enough to win awards in half the shit I do. I don't know what to tell myself for any kind of positive self-talk. What do I tell myself? Would it go something like, "Congrats on the C dude," or maybe, "Great job almost being good enough to be able to get into the colleges you dreamed about," maybe something like, "Congrats on making sure your dreams stay just that, dreams," or more likely, "You just fucked up what you spent 2 years fighting, hurting, sacrificing, and bleeding for." I don't want to hear the bulshit of people telling me that the college I go to doesn't matter; I worked my ass off for this, I've dealt with every color of bullshit under the sun for this, it matters to me.
I feel like the part that hurts the most is that my teacher blew me off when I asked if I could do something, ANYTHING to get that .1 extra, that little bit to push me over the edge, to not make me that guy who was just .1 away from a B. She just told me I was a grade grubber, she said she didn't have time for it. Its my fucking life. I tried in her class, I gave my best shot while dealing with shit (just like every other highschooler) that I shouldn't have had to deal with. The fucking up of the grading scale, the lack of help from her when I asked if I could get help, the fact that I blanked on the EXAM that counted for 20% of my grade. It's all my goddamn fault, and she can't be bothered to help me. I feel like an idiot, I feel like I'm not good enough, but most of all, I feel like I just ruined my chances at dreams I've had for a long time, permanently.
I feel like a fuck up, TL
My best just isn't good enough
EDIT: Since this blog was written I have talked to my teacher, at first she was angry at me, but now she has had a change of heart and has decided to see what she can do. I think this is one of the times when I look at my life and see what the comments said, and realize that CarnivorousSheep was right here, those were not close to 1st place; though I was writing this blog on an idea, I realize that it would be immature to not think that 2nd place is anything but last place when it comes to success in a environment. Even if I define success in terms of happiness (which I often like to), being unhappy is not 2nd place, but last place, while being happy is 1st place at all times. The comments were harsh, but I deserved some of it because, I realized it at the time also, this blog wreaks of inferiority complex and pity party (though I'd like to thank Aerisky for throwing that party with me  ). I need to make this something that happens infrequently enough that it doesn't make me freak out like this. I'm sorry if this blog made any of you guys rage, that was not my intention. The intention was to talk about a feeling that I got, one that felt trapped in me, that I had screwed myself over and that I had done myself in. No one else.
 
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Dude, high school grades don't mean anything. It's simply just a requirement to get into college. Like seriously, you're beating yourself up for like literally nothing. It's actually to the point that I hope you do actually fail and see what real failure is like. 1/5 for emo-but-privileged blog.
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On February 02 2013 06:17 Butterednuts wrote:
Dude, high school grades don't mean anything. It's simply just a requirement to get into college. Like seriously, you're beating yourself up for like literally nothing. It's actually to the point that I hope you do actually fail and see what real failure is like. 1/5 for emo-but-privileged blog.
Pretty much this. Transfer into Stanford if that truly is the only place that you feel that you will be happy. Go to a school, kill it for 2 years and try again if you don't get in directly out of high school. Otherwise make the best of the situation that you have, your in a position that 90% of students could never dream of.
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Don't cut yourself too deep. Stanford is a pretty nice school, lots of competition to get in. If you don't feel you can get into a competitive major, apply for band and then change majors after a semester! Hehe
I coasted thru HS (straight Cs in Spanish), sucked it up on English half of SAT (800 on math cuz I'm Asian), got rejected by Stanford/MIT/etc but got into Carnegie Mellon and weaseled my way to funding for grad school resulting in zero debt, no girlfriend (it was CMU), and good Halo skills. It's all about how you do with what you get! Cheer up! All the UC schools are pretty good anyways.
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Really, as long as you go to a decent university, what you do there matters way more. If you can't get into Stanford, Berkeley, UCLA, UCSD are all excellent schools, you just have to take the initiative yourself once you get there.
Edit: Assuming you're from California, you would also save your parents like 100k by going to a UC over stanford, unless your family has a ton of financial need.
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Nothing's ever permanent. If you want to go to Stanford you can transfer there in 2 years.
In all honestly, you still have a good shot at going. Just make a good application.
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On February 02 2013 05:49 docvoc wrote:
The worst part is that I worked so hard for this, for two fucking years.
...
I was 10 points away from having a 700 on one of my SAT sections and making my SAT near push 2k,
Seriously?
English is not even my native language and I got full 2400 on my SAT. 100-th percentile.... Didn't get accepted at SF though. However, I still think It's worth going for it, even if you did not have good academic achievements.
The application wasn't that much more expensive than most other Ivy universities, and if you are from a minority or have a heart-breaking story to tell them, you might have a shot.
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On February 02 2013 06:20 feanor1 wrote:Show nested quote +On February 02 2013 06:17 Butterednuts wrote:
Dude, high school grades don't mean anything. It's simply just a requirement to get into college. Like seriously, you're beating yourself up for like literally nothing. It's actually to the point that I hope you do actually fail and see what real failure is like. 1/5 for emo-but-privileged blog. Pretty much this. Transfer into Stanford if that truly is the only place that you feel that you will be happy. Go to a school, kill it for 2 years and try again if you don't get in directly out of high school. Otherwise make the best of the situation that you have, your in a position that 90% of students could never dream of.
You can't really transfer to stanford, they aren't big on that. Also I've been given that advice before, and I understand that it works. The point here is that I feel inferior, that I can't accomplish my dreams. Rather than telling me I don't know what real failure is, which btw I do know what that feels like, so saying that is a bit presumptuous. I get that this was an emo-but priviledged blog, and I knew it would sound like that. I thought that some people on TL would think that way, but I thought some could sympathize with my feeling of coming in second, not achieving what you set out to achieve just barely, just by that little bit, and maybe having a similar feeling whelling up inside them. This blog isn't just about college, it's about the idea and feeling barely not being good enough despite ones best efforts.
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Stanford isn't a realistic goal and it wasn't before you got a C. Yeah, I know it stings and I'm sorry. I felt the same way when I got dropped from all the ivies I applied to and had to take my less than impressive scholarship to state. I'm not gonna say something like I'm happier at state now then I ever could have been (but its been pretty good) or that dream schools aren't all they're cracked up to be (how should I know), all I can say is with three years of perspective I didn't deserve to get in.
I had a 2220 and was 18th in my class and I worked my ass off to get there. Crawled from regular level courses freshman year to 9 AP's by the end of senior year while playing sports and working and amassing a few thousand volunteering hours. And still, I didn't deserve it. There were too many people even better me, people who started off with all the help and support money and family can provide and on top of that out worked me. Thats just the way it is, don't beat yourself up over it
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Come to U of I if you like programming. Best school around if you ask me.
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Baa?21245 Posts
On February 02 2013 05:49 docvoc wrote:
I almost had as a B, by literally .1 of a full point.
I was just 1 point away from having a 30 on my ACT, I was 10 points away from having a 700 on one of my SAT sections and making my SAT near push 2k,
A is above B, the full score of the ACT is 36 not 30, and there are 100/400 points above the SAT over 700/2000.
So it's not really "I was barely 2nd place."
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While it's not like you barely missed second place or barely missed the cutoff for anything (there is no way to know that), I really do know exactly what you mean when you say that you feel like you fell just a bit short. It's the feeling of just wishing you were that much smarter or worked that much harder, despite everything. That being said, it helps to put it into perspective and realize that there are no arbitrary thresholds in general, that there will always be another upper limit, and that you can only strive to be your best and try to be happy.
Hope you're alright, falling short like this (even though the boundary, like people are saying, may not be real or useful) sucks.
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To be fair, you were not 0.1 away from a B. You were 0.6 away from a B, which is not enough to round up to an 80. Your teacher isn't being unhelpful, she's being fair. The fact that she rounds a 79.5 up to a B is already pretty generous, and the whole point of assigning numerical grades is to have a specific non-negotiable rubric for evaluating student performance in a class. There were specific requirements everyone in your class needed to meet to get a B. You did not meet those. Boo hoo.
If this is a wake-up call for you to put more effort into the things whose consequences will matter to you, excellent. Life lesson learned. The other life lesson you should be learning here is that almost being really close to nearly succeeding is not succeeding. It's not even almost succeeding. "Every journey begins as a single step" is a common motivational saying, but it goes the other way too. Every failure begins with tiny slivers of mediocrity.
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You guys are pretty mean lol, just my personal opinion. Reading some of the replies, it's more harsh than tough love, or so it appears to me. I have no doubt whatsoever that he worked extremely hard (much much much harder than I did I bet rofl, that much seems clear to me). Chin up, ultimately you will go far doc.
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On February 02 2013 08:13 Carnivorous Sheep wrote:Show nested quote +On February 02 2013 05:49 docvoc wrote:
I almost had as a B, by literally .1 of a full point.
I was just 1 point away from having a 30 on my ACT, I was 10 points away from having a 700 on one of my SAT sections and making my SAT near push 2k,
A is above B, the full score of the ACT is 36 not 30, and there are 100/400 points above the SAT over 700/2000. So it's not really "I was barely 2nd place."
I know all of those things. The point of saying all that was me barely missing a mark. Being perfect isn't a realistic goal, I guess I did not make it clear enough that the standards I made were the ones I missed, not perfection. If I were to prioritize perfection as winning, then I would always lose. I should have made that more clear.
EDIT: This isn't a pity party for me, this is a blog about a feeling. The fact that the replies in this thread are either, you aren't good enough for your goals or you weren't actually close at all makes me think that I didn't write this clearly enough which is a working point for me. The point of the post was to talk about an emotion, the feeling of trying your hardest and not being quite there. Not 2nd place as in an actual 2nd place, but a metaphorical 2nd place where you tried your hardest but couldn't come in that 1st place goal. I could discuss the grade part, I didn't add the way grades are done at my school. I could add it to the OP if you guys are curious, but the rounding thing isn't as generous as you think, and because my school's IB program is less than 2 years old, the grading scales are fucked up, so my grades have dropped entire letter grades or risen entire letter grades based on the rubrics they implement
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Hey man, I know exactly how you feel. I grew up in a pretty bad neighborhood and I go to a high school with a less than pleasant reputation. I've worked my ass off for an Ivy league school, but my grades just aren't there. I have a 4.0 (weighted just like you) but I screwed up this year 2nd quarter. I was given a C-. :/ Everything is also pointing at me getting an undesirable ACT grade (shooting for a 30). I just feel like no matter how hard I try, I'm just not good enough.
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The best advice I ever got was from my high school math teacher:
No one gives a shit where you went to college after you go to grad school.
This ultimately led to me going to a very mediocre (not even top 200 in the US) undergrad, and then ending up in a good school for my PhD. program.
realisitically, most schools look for people that are a good fit rather than the ones with perfect grades. Granted having shit grades will keep you out of most universities, having the "best grades ever" wont directly get you into ANY top university anywhere.
Sorry you messed up the class, and good luck on your studies.
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On February 02 2013 09:51 Mr.F. wrote:
The best advice I ever got was from my high school math teacher:
No one gives a shit where you went to college after you go to grad school.
This ultimately led to me going to a very mediocre (not even top 200 in the US) undergrad, and then ending up in a good school for my PhD. program.
I guess that works if you want a PhD, if you just want a masters it helps to go to the same school as undergrad. (I went to CMU @ pittsburgho). Many majors have integrated 5-year engineering masters that cram a few extra classes into your undergrad, but if you want a "normal/lazy" masters like I did, I was able to get guaranteed funding+stipend for 2 years from a professor I worked with as an undergrad which was better than every other (mediocre) grad school I also applied and got into. It really depends on your major how high you want to go.
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Don't worry bro, all you got to do is set your bar lower and then you can have a fulfilling life. That or you can stop believing you gave it your all and try harder next semester.
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I don't know what to tell myself for any kind of positive self-talk. What do I tell myself? Would it go something like, "Congrats on the C dude," or maybe, "Great job almost being good enough to be able to get into the colleges you dreamed about," maybe something like, "Congrats on making sure your dreams stay just that, dreams," or more likely, "You just fucked up what you spent 2 years fighting, hurting, sacrificing, and bleeding for."
"I got a C. It sucks. But you know what? There's absolutely no point punishing myself for it, because, hey, it already happened, and no matter how bad I feel about it, there's nothing I can do since it's in the past. Time to look forward, and better make sure I put my full effort into everything else I do now so I no longer feel as shitty for missing out on opportunities."
Chin up. And look for safety schools that you will enjoy going to. If you still want to buy an expensive lottery ticket, go ahead and apply for Stanford. (I mean this nicely. It's basically a lottery for everyone, even the "perfect HS student.") Optimism's good, but keep a hold on reality too.
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