EPTWarning, wall of text incoming, have to get quite a bit of my chest.
Since my last entry quite a bit happened here.
I live with four roommates in an appartment, originally 2 girls and two other guys, we all knew each other before we moved in together. We were all friends, had similar interests, enjoyed going to parties together and all that good stuff. Now, last year in august one two people moved out. Both of the girls to be exact, one because she broke up with her boyfriend, who is one of the other roommates, and one because she got together with her ex and wanted to move in with him.
So we needed new roommates or we couldn't afford the rent. Well, I knew another couple that could take the shared room we have here. So I asked them to move in and they did shortly after that.
And I think that's where the "trouble" really began.
You see, the girl that broke up with her bf has been a friend of mine for the last seven years. In fact she is my best girl friend. And most of you probably know by now what will happen. Yes, I fall in love with her. It started quite innocent, thinking about her more often then usual, smiling more than usual when I see her, losing my appetite and so on. After trying to ignore all this for about two month I decided it was time to talk to her and confess my love. I chose a few days before new years eve after coming home from my familly as the date. Knowing full well that she will only see a friend in me but not able to hold it in I somehow bring up the courage to talk to her and get the well expected "I only ever saw you as a friend." speech. I knew it would go this way but well, it hurt nonetheless. So after drinking myself stupid I try to go on as normal as possible. It hurt quite a bit but I knew I could handle that, it happened before and I knew the stages I would go through. A time of sadness, a time of loneliness, some anger and finally coping with it and moving on.
Well that is how it is supposed to go, What it's not supposed to be is that another roommate breaks up with his girlfriend because he had an "affair" with the girl I fell in love with. Apperently they both noticed my feelings a while before I talked to her to keep it secret.
So we went to a party together last friday, the roommates and her. I knew it would be hard for me but with enough whisky it was going to be allright. When at midnight the couple suddenly leaves the party with the words "we broke up" and the girl follows them short after i knew something was up. I give them a little time to cool down and follow them home to see if everything is allright just to find him in the living room with a downcast expression on his face telling me we have to talk.
After a bit of rambling he "confesses" that he had fallen for the girl and she for him. It hit me like a hammer. I somehow felt that there was something between the two of them but i didn't want to aknowledge it. I felt so much rage and anger. Two of my best friends lied to me for at least two month. The guy went shopping and training with me, played board and video games with me, went to parties with me and all that with a smile on his face. I wanted to strangle him there and then. He had everything, a beautifull girlfriend, a nice place, friends and so on but he just hat to take more. All I could do to not beat him up right there and then was rushing out of the appartment and run through the city. After screaming my lungs out, punching a wall and hitting my head against it I calmed down enough to talk to him again. He now stays at her place most of the time for now.
All i can see when I close my eyes is both of them kissing, or rolling around in bed. All I hear when there is no music to distract me are the words "You allways were just a friend to me". Well, so was he, right to the point when he wasn't anymore. I am so angry and so sad. I can't concentrate on anything except that. I start shaking uncontrollable and feel so much rage.
At least i can go to the gym to work off some of it but it isn't nearly enough. I feel like everything around me is breaking apart and i can't do shit about it.
I don't want to lose any of them, and especially not her but i don't know how long i can take all of that.
So that's it. 2013 was supposed to be the year to change myself and my surroundings but that wasn't what i had in mind. At least it can't get much worse than that(Well, at least that's what I hope)
All in all: FUCK.
