EPTBack in the Brood War days, I had always planned to do my best to get really good when SC2 came out, as it was too late for me to make an impact in the BW scene, despite rising rapidly in ranks. SC2 was supposed to be my big chance. Beta came and went, I played and was decent, but never pursued it to the extent that I planned. I spent most of my summer playing HoN instead of grinding SC2 right after release. I barely even knew about the first two MLGs.
After IEM NY, which I attended as a spectator, I was motivated to get better. Still, I never really pushed myself. Simply playing daily to my heart's content was enough to push me into the upper echelons of diamond league, reaching the top 200 after a month or two of consistent activity. It seemed so easy... even when I set my goals way back in BW, I always had this feeling that I'd give up, that it couldn't be that easy. But when I was having fun, and just playing as much as I want, it was easy.
About two years ago, I was first recruited to VT Gaming, finally realizing a dream of becoming one of the best players in the US. I was able to stream, get popular, get sent to events... it felt like a dream that I honestly never expected to happen. The sky was the limit, the scene was just beginning its momentous growth that would continue throughout 2011, and I was young and at the forefront of a new generation of potential progamers in the west. The first half of 2011 remained promising, as stream viewer counts rose and I continued to improve, and perhaps could have made an even bigger impact at live tournaments if not for an unfortunate set of circumstances. Still, I won $1000 at a local WCG hosted event, really showing the fruits of my labor.
In June 2011, VT Gaming disbanded. Although I know it's not true and I actually continued to improve and have better real results, this was when I had the most fun, the most passion for SC2, and felt like things were going my way. I may have qualified for IEM NY in the fall, I even won thousands of dollars more in tournament winnings throughout the next year or so, but there was always that feeling that it was getting harder and harder. I never quite felt like I could get back where I was. I joined It's Gosu eSports then and have been with them since, and honestly have been very thankful for their efforts and support. We may have not been the most privileged team, but there were real high points for us, and it was a good bunch of guys.
Around that same time, I got a girlfriend that had supported me throughout the time, really pushed me to do well in SC2, and helped me become a better, more mature person in a lot of ways. I really appreciate that, and it's likely I would have considered quitting long before now had I not had a driving force by my side.
Still, I had some success, and I still enjoyed the game. SC2 was still what defined me, and I continued to explore things like casting, writing, coaching, and other things related to the SC2 community. Honestly, these things are still what I love most about SC2. Often, when people asked me what my goals were, I'd say "I want to be kind of like iNcontroL." While he may not be revered as the most talented player in the world, he's involved with a ton of projects, knows a lot of people, and is just able to enjoy his life comfortably thanks to the multiple facets of the SC2 community. That was the kind of guy I hoped to be. I really respect Geoff and his accomplishments and the life he's made for himself.
Fast forward to Summer 2012. Based on my previous MLG participation, I was fortunate enough to get an invite to MLG's Spring Championship and WCS USA event. Getting this invite was an amazing motivator, and the month or two leading up to this event was the last time I was really passionate about my work in SC2. I played as much as I could daily despite a tough junior year and approaching finals, I skipped out on the Diablo 3 release so I wouldn't be distracted in my practice (damn you ViBE), and I did everything I could to make this opportunity into something great.
I did good, but not quite as well as I hoped. In WCS I lost to NonY and Kitty, both players I could have beaten, but I still finished decently as top 24. The final loss was heartbreaking, as I fell to kitty in the match that determined who went to the NA championships after just defeating him in the first round of MLG. I'd swap those two results any day. My MLG was alright as well, beating Kitty, iNcontroL, Gretorp, and giX and ultimately falling to Xenocider in WB and FXOLucky in LB. It was a decent event for me, but it just still wasn't quite the results I had hoped to achieve by that point.
After WCS I kind of chilled a bit, finally bought D3 and played around a bit before going to Korea three weeks later. My Korea trip (July 6-31) is another thing I'm really thankful for, getting that opportunity thanks to the aforementioned girlfriend to explore a country that I had always immortalized in my mind. It was one of the most unbelievable experiences in my life, and I really learned a lot about the country, culture, and myself. Unfortunately the circumstances were such that I couldn't practice SC2 at all during this time, and honestly, I didn't really want it to be my focus, so I just tried to enjoy the experience.
Returning from Korea is really where my life started to take a turn for the worse. I went back to active SC2 play for the month of August, but I was a bit lazy and unmotivated and didn't make the most of the summer that I had vowed I would. I also allowed my relationship to deteriorate, and unfortunately this state of my life continued into September and October. By the middle of September I had pretty much stopped playing SC2 with any consistency, just wasting away playing D3 and other games for no reason. It was tough to be honest with myself and say I wasn't playing anymore, and I still maintained that I would get back to it soon, as soon as I felt I was ready to get myself in shape. It never really happened.
Two and a half weeks ago my girlfriend broke up with me. It was a real wakeup call, and a conversation we had made me really realize a lot of things about myself and my life that I had never acknowledged. Long story short, I realized some problems with my mindset, and thought about what was really important to me as a person and did my best to pursue that.
Since then, I've kind of been back into playing SC2, but my heart hasn't been entirely in it. I know it's always been a real passion of mine, but I just see failure after failure in my own play, and it has been entirely demotivating. The rest of my life has marginally improved, as I've worked to build a bit better social relationships, picked up learning Korean again, and (slowly) began exercising again (the last part I honestly haven't really gotten into as much as I would like).
I've often wondered if SC2 was the place for me. I always have maintained and still do maintain that I would love to have a career in any facet of SC2, and honestly I'm considering just moving on entirely from playing to pursue casting, writing, even perhaps managing or other duties. I have the experience and contacts in the area, and I absolutely love the SC2 scene and the game - I have just lost my passion for practicing the game to its fullest extent. I think this would be my ideal, but honestly I'm just not 100% sure how to get started.
I also considered moving to LoL, DotA 2, or quitting gaming entirely. I did try LoL for a few days, but I realized my heart was still with the SC2 world. I still thought of myself as an SC2 player, and I didn't think I could ever take that away from myself. That also ruled out quitting gaming.
Where do I go from here? I'm not really sure. I'm still in my senior year of HS, college apps are due in a bit more than a month (I didn't apply early due to the aforementioned lazy state of life), and I still have decent (not great) grades and test scores, so I'm not really pressured into having to pay rent or w/e... just don't know what I really wanna pursue next in my life. The money I still have banked from SC2 is just a bonus to all the great memories, and I'm really fortunate and happy I got the opportunity to pursue what I loved for a long time without a lot of stress. I want to thank my parents, Sharon, current and former managers and teammates, as well as anyone who ever supported me in my efforts.
I'm still going to be involved in SC2, and I don't even know if I'll really quit at this point. I'd love to get back into casting again, I continue to write for TL (I'll be doing a little in the DH preview this weekend, and I wrote quite a few OSL/TSL previews before, so watch out for me!) and I continue to constantly read about SC2 and watch games where I can.
Hopefully I'll find a way to make my mark somewhere, and thanks for reading everyone, if you made it this far. I feel like I've learned a lot about myself and matured quite a bit over the last two years, even if I really thought I was pretty mature back then too. If there's any advice I can give you guys from what I've learned (yeah I know, you're mostly probably older than me): pursue what you really want to in your life, and set your priorities in a way that you can do those things. You might fool yourself into thinking that fucking around on Diablo is really making the best impact on your life because you just need some time to chill, which is alright for a bit, but really don't let yourself lose sight of the things that make you who you are, because by the time you've figured it out, it could be too late.
Cheers,
Nick.
