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Hello TL. I am a 14 year old Starcraft player and aspiring engineer.  I have just recently started high school and I play (American) Football so I have had to stop playing Starcraft to focus on school and athletics. Recently on a test in my Literature class, I wrote an essay on a short story called "The Lady or the Tiger". Some have possibly heard of it before. If not, I will post a link to it below to read for yourselves. The prompt was about what universal question the author was referring to during the climax of the story. I know that it was not a long essay, but I believe that it was sufficient since it was terse. This is my (self-proclaimed) best writing I have ever done. That is not saying much though because writing is not my stronger suit.  Please enjoy and leave comments to what you think I can do better.
I recommend that you read the short story before the essay as it will make much more sense.
Link to the short story the essay was written about:
+ Show Spoiler +
The essay itself:
+ Show Spoiler +
The problem which Mr. Stockton leaves with us is quite interesting. He does not tell us the doom of the young man. The inner thinkings of the princess are, at first, hidden to the reader. He is addressing the question of "Is humanity compassionate towards others, or selfish?" The beauty of the way he words it is that it is actually answered by the reader.
Readers of course have a bias in most everything. The one that Mr. Stockton is addressing is the notion of doing the "right thing". He is essentially asking the reader whether or not he believes that humanity, in it's nature, is caring and loving. Based on the reader's answer to that question, the story then takes on the ending that the reader wishes it to, thus making the story such a success.
In my opinion, whether intended or not, I believe the story is deeper than just asking a question. I feel like this story can be used as an insight on one's inner self. After reading this short story one has a natural assumption of what the final ending is. Seeing what that assumption is lets the reader understand a bit more of their view on the world around them. It lets them get a small look at what they really think about humanity, whether they like it or not.
Also, if you have any other opinions or discussions of the story I would love to discuss it!
 
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The one that Mr. Stockton is addressing is the notion of doing the "right thing".
The question that...
He is essentially asking the reader whether or not he believes that humanity, in it's nature, is caring and loving.
He is essentially asking the reader whether or not humanity's nature is caring and loving.
Based on the reader's answer to that question, the story then takes on the ending that the reader wishes it to, thus making the story such a success.
Based on the reader's answer to that question, the story takes on the ending that the reader wishes. This is the reason for the story's success.
In my opinion, whether intended or not, I believe the story is deeper than just asking a question.
I believe that the story is deeper than merely asking a question
I feel like this story can be used as an insight on one's inner self.
This story can be used as an insight on one's inner self.
After reading this short story one has a natural assumption of what the final ending is. Seeing what that assumption is lets the reader understand a bit more of their view on the world around them.
After reading this short story, one naturally formulates an assumption of what the final ending is. Seeing that assumption lets the reader understand a bit more of their view on the world around them.
It lets them get a small look at what they really think about humanity, whether they like it or not.
It lets them get a small look at what they really think of humanity, whether they like it or not.
You have pretty good writing for a high school freshman. Here are some critiques that you asked for. You convey your message in a straightforward way, which is good because that's the point of your essay. The corrections I made were some minor grammar mistakes and making your sentences more elegant. There was some unnecessary clutter that can be removed, making your sentences more concise and readable.
It's good to start practicing grammar and sentence structure now, since you'll probably be taking the SAT in a year or two, and a lot of people struggle with the grammar sections. Keep up your good work.
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I attempted to make your essay as concise as possible.
The problem which Mr. Stockton leaves with us is quite interesting. He does not tell us the doom of the young man. The inner thinkings of the princess are, at first, hidden to the reader. He is addressing the question of "Is humanity compassionate towards others, or selfish?" The beauty of the way he words it is that it is actually answered by the reader.
Readers of course have a bias in most everything. The one that Mr. Stockton is addressing is the notion of doing the "right thing". He is essentially asking the reader whether or not he believes that humanity, in it's nature, is caring and loving. Based on the reader's answer to that question, the story then takes on the ending that the reader wishes it to, thus making the story such a success.
In my opinion, whether intended or not, I believe the story is deeper than just asking a question. I feel like this story can be used as an insight on one's inner self. After reading this short story one has a natural assumption of what the final ending is. Seeing what that assumption is lets the reader understand a bit more of their view on the world around them. It lets them get a small look at what they really think about humanity, whether they like it or not.
Mr. Stockton asks us an interesting rhetorical question about the selfishness of humanity.
He demonstrates the readers' bias to themselves by allowing them to sway the ending to their own perspective.
The chosen ending then clearly demonstrates the bias of the reader.
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On November 09 2012 12:57 WarSame wrote:I attempted to make your essay as concise as possible. Show nested quote +The problem which Mr. Stockton leaves with us is quite interesting. He does not tell us the doom of the young man. The inner thinkings of the princess are, at first, hidden to the reader. He is addressing the question of "Is humanity compassionate towards others, or selfish?" The beauty of the way he words it is that it is actually answered by the reader.
Readers of course have a bias in most everything. The one that Mr. Stockton is addressing is the notion of doing the "right thing". He is essentially asking the reader whether or not he believes that humanity, in it's nature, is caring and loving. Based on the reader's answer to that question, the story then takes on the ending that the reader wishes it to, thus making the story such a success.
In my opinion, whether intended or not, I believe the story is deeper than just asking a question. I feel like this story can be used as an insight on one's inner self. After reading this short story one has a natural assumption of what the final ending is. Seeing what that assumption is lets the reader understand a bit more of their view on the world around them. It lets them get a small look at what they really think about humanity, whether they like it or not. Show nested quote +
Mr. Stockton asks us an interesting rhetorical question about the selfishness of humanity.
He demonstrates the readers' bias to themselves by allowing them to sway the ending to their own perspective.
The chosen ending then clearly demonstrates the bias of the reader.
See, I said the bare minimum to convey a point in highschool, I never wrote things that cluttered it all up. Because of that, I ended up failing. Teachers would see that I hadn't written too much about something, and it made it look like I'd barely considered it. If anything, he needs to learn to expand the essay two or three fold (or more.)
If you're looking to expand it, try talking about what elements of the story he used to get his point across. Talk about how the king would have to be all powerful, how the beast not being seen as defeatable adds to the ending question, or how the prince is willing to trust the princess on this, mayhap knowing full well she might be the jealous type.
Thought on the story.
The ending asking the reader directly was immersion breaking, it was SO well written up until that point.
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On November 09 2012 18:20 Cyber_Cheese wrote:Show nested quote +On November 09 2012 12:57 WarSame wrote:I attempted to make your essay as concise as possible. The problem which Mr. Stockton leaves with us is quite interesting. He does not tell us the doom of the young man. The inner thinkings of the princess are, at first, hidden to the reader. He is addressing the question of "Is humanity compassionate towards others, or selfish?" The beauty of the way he words it is that it is actually answered by the reader.
Readers of course have a bias in most everything. The one that Mr. Stockton is addressing is the notion of doing the "right thing". He is essentially asking the reader whether or not he believes that humanity, in it's nature, is caring and loving. Based on the reader's answer to that question, the story then takes on the ending that the reader wishes it to, thus making the story such a success.
In my opinion, whether intended or not, I believe the story is deeper than just asking a question. I feel like this story can be used as an insight on one's inner self. After reading this short story one has a natural assumption of what the final ending is. Seeing what that assumption is lets the reader understand a bit more of their view on the world around them. It lets them get a small look at what they really think about humanity, whether they like it or not.
Mr. Stockton asks us an interesting rhetorical question about the selfishness of humanity.
He demonstrates the readers' bias to themselves by allowing them to sway the ending to their own perspective.
The chosen ending then clearly demonstrates the bias of the reader.
See, I said the bare minimum to convey a point in highschool, I never wrote things that cluttered it all up. Because of that, I ended up failing. Teachers would see that I hadn't written too much about something, and it made it look like I'd barely considered it. If anything, he needs to learn to expand the essay two or three fold (or more.) If you're looking to expand it, try talking about what elements of the story he used to get his point across. Talk about how the king would have to be all powerful, how the beast not being seen as defeatable adds to the ending question, or how the prince is willing to trust the princess on this, mayhap knowing full well she might be the jealous type. Thought on the story. The ending asking the reader directly was immersion breaking, it was SO well written up until that point.
That's an annoying problem to have. The point of an essay is to convey thoughts, not to deluge the reader with a wall of language. It seems to stupid when they force a word count on us. As you know, quality=/=quantity. If that really is your style, you should check out Ernest Hemingway. He has a very economic writing style, which I've always admired. It manages to not only get the basic point across, but also convey many emotions, while not forcing the reader to kill time on inane chatter.
You are definitely right that OP could work on his expanding the coverage of topics of his essay. While he covers what he decided to pretty well, he didn't decide to cover very much.
As for the story, I really like that break in the style. I was very interested in the story itself up until that point, but the switch made it even better. It is reminiscent of Fables, where it sacrifices some of the story telling in order to teach us a lesson.
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You need to examine a more specific problem. What "insight on one's inner self?" You didn't tell me, you just said it was there.
Here's how to write an essay. 1) read the story. 2) ask yourself a question about the story which you don't know the answer to. 3) answer the question by writing an essay
hint: don't worry about what the author thinks, and definitely never call him "Mister"
(i.e. what is the "right thing"? Why is it hard to do the "right thing"? What is the structure of the problem?)
On November 10 2012 08:04 WarSame wrote:
It seems to stupid when they force a word count on us.
yes, what they should do is force an idea count on you. Most students don't have problems with words, they have problems with ideas.
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Thanks for the feedback. I will try to be more concise on my future essays. The thing is that most teachers seem to not like it when you aren't trying to be lengthy with your essays. That is why I try to add length to my sentences that really doesn't add anything. I will try not to do that anymore. Also, thank you for the grammatical corrections. That is a weak part of my education so far so I'm trying hard to work on it. And I also agree with you guys in the fact that they should have an idea count, not a word count. I have a teacher this year that when asked how long a paper needs to be responds with "however long it needs to be". Just long enough to convey the point clearly seems to work. Thank you again for checking out my blog and let me know if you would like to see more of my writing.
Have a great day!
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On November 11 2012 11:20 autoexec wrote:
Thanks for the feedback. I will try to be more concise on my future essays. The thing is that most teachers seem to not like it when you aren't trying to be lengthy with your essays. That is why I try to add length to my sentences that really doesn't add anything. I will try not to do that anymore.
It's ok, this is the most common problem with writing students. The teacher wants you to have more ideas, so she asks you to write more, but if you just add more words by adding useless things then everybody loses  The first step is to make sure that you have an idea big enough to fill up the space you are trying to fill. But this is a really hard thing to do and to teach...
A good strategy to start is to try to identify oppositions in the text. (i.e. A vs. B, C vs. D). Maybe a character has to choose between A and B, or maybe two characters who are in conflict each represent C and D. In your paper, you can start by saying what A and B are, showing how they are represented in the text, and then showing how the conflict works out in the story. Remember: when teachers talk about "conflict" we are not talking about LITERAL conflict between characters (unless we're bad teachers), we are talking about a conflict that is PLAYED OUT BY the characters. Try to think about that.
The most important thing to realize is that your teacher knows exactly when you are just writing extra sentences to add length maybe you think you are being sneaky, but trust me we know Whenever you catch yourself doing this you should hit yourself in the testicles with a hammer
that will force you to think about more complicated ideas
Also, thank you for the grammatical corrections. That is a weak part of my education so far so I'm trying hard to work on it.
You're fine. Grammar is not that important at your age (but it's easier to teach grammar than thinking so teachers sometimes emphasize this too much).
And I also agree with you guys in the fact that they should have an idea count, not a word count. I have a teacher this year that when asked how long a paper needs to be responds with "however long it needs to be".
Ah, yes, I like this teacher
let me know if you would like to see more of my writing.
Oh, please!
Have a great day!
you too!
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EPT
