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Dear TL,
this blog is about an imminent, major incision into my life:
After 7 years of living with a girlfriend, then alone, then with some (female) flatmates, then alone, then alone again, I'm moving into my parent's house for 6 to 10 weeks. It is hard to put into words why this is so difficult for me, but I'm going to try my best to make this relatable to you guys.
When I was 17, my then girlfriend and I decided that it would be cool to move in together.
She started going to an art school, I started working. Although there were no hard feeling betwixt my parents and I, nor with my little brother, and although I had a large room, my own bathroom and a large living area shared only with my brother, I felt instantly at ease at my first own, crummy, soutterrain appartement.
Although I traded 80m² for 40m², I felt liberated.
Although I traded regular, free meals for relatively costly fast food, I felt healthy and elated
Although I traded occasional encounters between my little brother and I with constant companionship, I felt blessedly solitary.
During the last 7 years, I've visited my parents regularly, I've spent several weeks in summer and during the Christmas holidays with them and it never bothered me, as I knew I was but a visitor, free to leave at a moment's notice, with my own home, be it a roomy appartement, be it a tiny 15m² room in a shared flat.
Now I'm not going to have this any more. My lease will end at December 15th, and barring extreme luck, I will be living with my parents until February 1st or even early march.
Thinking of this makes my stomach grow taut as a bowstring, I already feel confined.
I'm terrified at the prospect of sharing meals, of constantly having other people around, of having to be constantly considerate and permanently pleasant.
What's worse, I don't know anybody in the area where my parents live.
I won't be able to sleep over at friends' places, I won't be able to engage in any fun times, I won't spend too much time out of the house in general.
Don't get me wrong, I'm really grateful that they welcome me without any difficulties.
In a way it will be cool to be fed, to have the companionship of my really mellow step-father and to be around my mom, whom I genuinly like.
However, being out of my comfort-zone, being heavily dependent on others and being forced to constantly be around people frightens and nauseates me. I get the claustrophobic feel of a really nice prison, or the bittersweet distugingly-awesome feel you get at concerts, where you're part of a crowd and an amazing experience, without being able to move an inch due to the others' presence.
Does any of this make sense to you guys?
Can you - in any way - relate?
Thanks for reading,
J.
 
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Although I took a slightly different path than you, I can relate to your feelings quite a bit.
I had something like a five years run far from the parents, living alone most of the time - as far as I love to hang out and have some friends and girlfriends from time to time, I prefer to have my own place than to live with someone else for the long run. Sometimes took a week or two, a month, living with a friend. But I went back to see my parents like you once or twice a month, for some days and vacations.
Well it didn't go as planned, since I was probably too young when it happened, and I went back to the parents place. :p
Main difference is, I'm just used to move since my dad have a work that requires a lot of moving. Probably did it five or six times before I hit 18, no problem at making new friends whenever I want.
You're talking about how you don't like to be dependant on someone else. But you have many possibilities to help yourself with it. First of all, you can "earn" your place if it makes you feel better. Just help with cooking, go out to buy some food, you can clean, pay for your place. It should be even possible to have some agrements with your parents, like having special hours to eat/wash yourself or whatever. Second, you don't have to report anything to anyone, you can go where you want without being precise on what you're doing. Warning them is a nice move, being tracked, bit less.
Sure, you'll still be dependant for your room, but not much more than have a rent with the owner of your previous houses.
As for your mood, well, it can't be helped, you'll have to be a little bit pleasant I suppose ! If you weren't to begin with.
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do not grok. People will be at home 24/7?
I had about 6 weeks where I was sleeping and working in my parents' living room, and my nephews being around quite often. Put headphones on, ignore the world. Even though the younger of my two nephews was impossible to ignore, he is adorable, made me play memory and read for him a couple of times.
But it was all for the greater good (moved out of my flat, started on a 6 month trip), and for a limited time.
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I can imagine moving back to your parent's can be tough. But is it really such a big deal? It's just temporary.
From what you said, you have no problems with your family, but what you describe as your feelings make it look like it's not all so good.
It's all in your head. 
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Just earn your right to live there and you're golden. Cook for all the family, do laundry, shopping, fix some things around the house. Just don't allow yourself to be catered for.
Considering it's only temporary, i feel you're making too much of a fuss about it.
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On October 22 2012 17:55 russian wrote:
Just earn your right to live there and you're golden. Cook for all the family, do laundry, shopping, fix some things around the house. Just don't allow yourself to be catered for.
.
The idea is laughable, my mom would never let that happen.
She's happy when you show the intent of helping, but ultimately she doesn't let anyone do a thing around the house, besides keeping my own room clean.
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On October 22 2012 21:39 DownOnMyNiece wrote:Show nested quote +On October 22 2012 17:55 russian wrote:
Just earn your right to live there and you're golden. Cook for all the family, do laundry, shopping, fix some things around the house. Just don't allow yourself to be catered for.
. The idea is laughable, my mom would never let that happen. She's happy when you show the intent of helping, but ultimately she doesn't let anyone do a thing around the house, besides keeping my own room clean.
My Mom's paradox:
Wants to do everything herself -> angry that I'm not helping around the house.
Insults my lifestyle and choices to my face and shows no respect -> angry that I don't eat dinner at home.
Won't accept payment for anything -> angry that my stay costs her money.
Not related to me:
Spend tons of money on frivolous shit -> angry that she has no money for basic stuff like food.
Spends 99% of the day taking care of her health -> eats three plates of food + desert for dinner.
Complains that her job is too demanding and is making her miserable -> stays at the same job, doesn't bring it up at work.
My ma used to be a sweet lady but she has grown to be quite a pain to deal with.
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i can relate bro. lived on my own fro about 3-4 years and due to various circumstances i had to move back in with the folks at the age of 25. its really quite depressing but you just gotta make sure u have a plan to get out in the near future and make the best of it
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On October 22 2012 21:39 DownOnMyNiece wrote:Show nested quote +On October 22 2012 17:55 russian wrote:
Just earn your right to live there and you're golden. Cook for all the family, do laundry, shopping, fix some things around the house. Just don't allow yourself to be catered for.
. The idea is laughable, my mom would never let that happen. She's happy when you show the intent of helping, but ultimately she doesn't let anyone do a thing around the house, besides keeping my own room clean.
See, that's the exact reason you act so compulsively about something that's close to normal (residing at your folks for a brief and, more importantly, fixed period of time).
She has a caretaker psychology. You could say "of course, she's a mother and a woman", but the line to obsessive-compulsive is blurry. She's so caught up in her way of thinking (most likely because of age) that she finds anything else unacceptable. She has played the role of the perfect housewife for so long that her brain got re-wired.
You, as a grown up, unconsciously resent it because you find it unacceptable (thus the tripping in OP). And it is unacceptable. That's why you shoot first and ask questions later. She'll thank you and you'll be happy you did the right thing.
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On October 23 2012 01:08 russian wrote:Show nested quote +On October 22 2012 21:39 DownOnMyNiece wrote:On October 22 2012 17:55 russian wrote:
Just earn your right to live there and you're golden. Cook for all the family, do laundry, shopping, fix some things around the house. Just don't allow yourself to be catered for.
. The idea is laughable, my mom would never let that happen. She's happy when you show the intent of helping, but ultimately she doesn't let anyone do a thing around the house, besides keeping my own room clean. See, that's the exact reason you act so compulsively about something that's close to normal (residing at your folks for a brief and, more importantly, fixed period of time). She has a caretaker psychology. You could say "of course, she's a mother and a woman", but the line to obsessive-compulsive is blurry. She's so caught up in her way of thinking (most likely because of age) that she finds anything else unacceptable. She has played the role of the perfect housewife for so long that her brain got re-wired. You, as a grown up, unconsciously resent it because you find it unacceptable (thus the tripping in OP). And it is unacceptable. That's why you shoot first and ask questions later. She'll thank you and you'll be happy you did the right thing.
Thank you for your precise psycho-analysis based on a vague, second hand statement.
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On October 22 2012 11:38 Lysteria wrote:
Well it didn't go as planned, since I was probably too young when it happened, and I went back to the parents place. :p
Main difference is, I'm just used to move since my dad have a work that requires a lot of moving. Probably did it five or six times before I hit 18, no problem at making new friends whenever I want.
Somehow, that's a skill I've never picked up, although I've lived in about ~10 different cities by now.
That would make things considerably easier for me, but I suppose I'll just have to suck it up and make the best of it.
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On October 23 2012 01:47 DownOnMyNiece wrote:Show nested quote +On October 23 2012 01:08 russian wrote:On October 22 2012 21:39 DownOnMyNiece wrote:On October 22 2012 17:55 russian wrote:
Just earn your right to live there and you're golden. Cook for all the family, do laundry, shopping, fix some things around the house. Just don't allow yourself to be catered for.
. The idea is laughable, my mom would never let that happen. She's happy when you show the intent of helping, but ultimately she doesn't let anyone do a thing around the house, besides keeping my own room clean. See, that's the exact reason you act so compulsively about something that's close to normal (residing at your folks for a brief and, more importantly, fixed period of time). She has a caretaker psychology. You could say "of course, she's a mother and a woman", but the line to obsessive-compulsive is blurry. She's so caught up in her way of thinking (most likely because of age) that she finds anything else unacceptable. She has played the role of the perfect housewife for so long that her brain got re-wired. You, as a grown up, unconsciously resent it because you find it unacceptable (thus the tripping in OP). And it is unacceptable. That's why you shoot first and ask questions later. She'll thank you and you'll be happy you did the right thing. Thank you for your precise psycho-analysis based on a vague, second hand statement.
Sure, you can't control anything, let mommy have her way even against your will and character, feel claustrophobic yet you find the resources to be smart about it.
Have fun in there.
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EPT
