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This was a while back. Maybe a year and a half ago.
So I'm looking at probably the cleanest bathroom I've ever been in.
I'm on a road trip across the eastern US, currently in Virginia. Now the fun thing about road trips is that getting from point A to point B takes several hours. Nine to be precise. Which means somewhere in there you're going to need to take a dump.
Luckily McDonalds has really clean toilets. Even deep in Buttfuck, Virginia where the only point of interest is a highway that can take you to Washington. They have good standards.
This bathroom consists of one stall (containing moi), two urinals, and maybe 2-3 sinks. It's not a one-person bathroom but it's still pretty small. My deep reflections inside this stall are interrupted by a man who barges in the bathroom.
When you're taking a dump, your senses are all relaxing, so anything out of the ordinary starts you up. In this case, crap. But also the other things. For example, there's always this little slit where you can gaze upon the outside world. In this case I was gazing upon a fat guy in his mid-40's, maybe 200, 220 pounds. He turned to meet my gaze as soon as he heard the splash.
Heavy knocks on the door. This dude was serious business. "LET ME THE FUCK IN"
"Fuck off guy, I'm in here..."
"HOLY SHIT LEMME IN"
"Wait your turn, I need to finish."
Note that at this point I'm still taking my sweet time. But this guy was ready. Frantic footsteps around the urinal section of the bathroom. Then he stops. One second of silence.
Then he starts to run. He hits the ground and does one of those commando rolls. This is where I begin to realize I'm in deep shit. I start trying to kick him out. This doesn't work for two reasons.
One, you never, ever, screw with a crazy person who wants something, especially if he's on an adrenaline rush. My dad taught me that shortly after Virginia Tech happened.
And two, because of the way my legs are positioned I don't have enough momentum to really do anything against him. The toilet stall has just enough clearance to get this clown through the gap despite my valiant efforts. He completes his interrupted roll and bolts up, dropping his pants.
Then he pushes me off of the toilet.
This is what I wasn't expecting. My mind was still piecing together how this dude cleared the space under the stall. But suddenly I wasn't sitting on that clean white porcelain, but on the equally clean floor beside it. A very cold floor. I look up in horror at this guy who's pretty much forgotten me. All his mental efforts are going into squeezing 10 kilos of firewood out of his sphincter.
And he shit hard too. He was vibrating on the chair, and I think at one point the force of the dump actually lifted him off of the seat for a split second. Note that his entire dump took less than fifteen seconds. Bear that in mind. It's very important.
He notices me for possibly the first time in that entire episode. He stands up, pulls up his pants (no wiping for this guy!) casually zips up and adjusts his belt, and looks right at me. Note that at this point I'm still on the ground, speechless.
He says, "you could try to flush that down but I don't think the toilet will like it. Best let the janitors pick it up." Then he just opens the door and strolls out like he just got a job promotion. I stand up, pull up my pants (you think I'm going to take my time in there?) and out of curiosity have a look at what he meant.
Again, less than fifteen seconds.
There was more crap in there than I have ever seen in one single pile. It was nothing less than a mountain of the stuff. It didn't begin to start smelling yet, thankfully. I took his advice and got the hell out of there.
I'm happy to say that the rest of the trip home was a fairly enjoyable one.
 
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Did you flush?
[Edit] funny and a bit crazy story, I like it
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what the fuck, thats awesome
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Wtf, you could sue him for something like that you know.
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On October 09 2012 07:01 Travin wrote:
Did you flush?
[Edit] funny and a bit crazy story, I like it
Nope, just ran.
I could sue I guess but it happened so long ago that fuck it.
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This is by far the best poop story I've read.
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On October 09 2012 06:28 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
He hits the ground and does one of those commando rolls
The story gets a 5/5
This visual gets a 10/5
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I have the sudden urge to share some of my poop stories.
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fantastic. this could be a scene in a comedy film.
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On October 09 2012 09:29 phosphorylation wrote:
fantastic. this could be a scene in a comedy film.
Well idk if it counts for you, but when my friends and I do impromptu stand-up on ventrillo, I always finish with this story.
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Wow, crazy stories and crazy people from Virginia...
Did you at least get to wipe your own crack and wash your hands?
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hahahahaha what the hell XD
That'a amazing, phosphorylation also hit it dead on lol.
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On October 09 2012 10:59 il0seonpurpose wrote:
Wow, crazy stories and crazy people from Virginia...
Did you at least get to wipe your own crack and wash your hands?
No. I pulled up my pants, barged through the door and bolted out of that restaurant.
There is no way I'm staying for that mountain's smell to manifest itself.
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On October 09 2012 07:14 EffervescentAureola wrote:
Wtf, you could sue him for something like that you know.
Why do you have to think of suing people and money when you should just be laughing your ass off? Not everything has to be about trying to slow down the judicial process even further. Just curious though what sort of fines and penalties do you incur after being sued for forcibly removing someone from the toilet which they are currently defecating into? What's the going rate for that, because if I can get off cheap, I may just never wait in line for a stall again.. Why you gotta be like that?
This was a great story and a great end to my day. Good night everyone. And thank you for this.
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It's awesome ones reading this while pooping myself
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Funny, terrifying and deliciously described. A blog masterwork.
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LOL did all of this really happen? Probably the most disgustingly funny story I've ever read on TL.
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Love your emphasis on the cleanliness of the bathroom even while in the most mind-blowing situation ever.
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I just checked your blog history and noticed that there is a disturbing number of blogs that pertain to fecal matter.
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Poop stories always deliver :D
I don't understand the configuration of the toilets, what "slit" are you talking about, and how the hell did the guy get in and pushed you out of the seat ? o.o
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On October 10 2012 12:59 endy wrote:
Poop stories always deliver :D
I don't understand the configuration of the toilets, what "slit" are you talking about, and how the hell did the guy get in and pushed you out of the seat ? o.o
In American bathrooms, you can go into a stall and lock the door so no one can come in.
But there is a little bit of space on the sides where the walls of the stall does not touch the ground, there is about a 12 inch clearance.
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On October 10 2012 11:39 phosphorylation wrote:
I just checked your blog history and noticed that there is a disturbing number of blogs that pertain to fecal matter.
This is my third one if I remember correctly.
On October 10 2012 14:15 EffervescentAureola wrote:Show nested quote +On October 10 2012 12:59 endy wrote:
Poop stories always deliver :D
I don't understand the configuration of the toilets, what "slit" are you talking about, and how the hell did the guy get in and pushed you out of the seat ? o.o In American bathrooms, you can go into a stall and lock the door so no one can come in. But there is a little bit of space on the sides where the walls of the stall does not touch the ground, there is about a 12 inch clearance.
Yup, this pretty much sums it up. The slit is between the door and the stall wall.
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Where have I heard this story before????
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EPT
