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Ice, Wind and Fire: Chapter 1

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NB
Profile Blog Joined February 2010
Netherlands12045 Posts
August 25 2012 05:11 GMT
#1
Ice, Wind and Fire

Chapter 1: The Messenger


"Ak nob kasa"
Wispering the spell through her rose lips, Rylai light up her bedroom with the magical crystal hanging over her ice table as a lamp. "A long day it was" she thought. Her training with master Glacier has been harsh lately. Ever since that courier delivered a hidden scroll to her master on her seventeenth birthday, he had been constantly increased the difficulty of the daily trials he gave her. The potion lessons has contain nothing but poisonous materials that no one has ever seen since the lass war of the jungle tribes and the books she has been reading just getting thicker and thicker.

But she doesnt mind. Borned talented, Rylai and her sisters are blessed with phenomenal intelligent. Through scrolls and records, she seeks the joys and happiness of the mortal realm, where she was born, once lived and banised from. It has been 15 years since she saw the last human, the one she frozed to death at the age of 3 near the Lake of Grimoar. 15 winters of imprisonment inside the ice castle that Glacier made to help and train Rylai to control her power. Next moon will mark the day Rylai turns 18th, that is when the prophercy predicted for the first rose to growth under her feet, the awaken of Furion the Nature Prophet after his thousand years slumber, marking the return of the power to compress her Icy cursed aura. Glacier said that he will let her decent to the mortal world, come to the ancient city of Nimbus for the first time where then she will reunited with her sisters.

Words from her older sister has just arrived 3 days ago, carried by a radiant turtle rider from Ahganim's castle in Nimbus. Signed by the name "Lina", her sister expressed the love and her state of being. That she is now a student in the Wizard and Sorcerer academy and her head master, Ahganim the Grand Magnus would love to have Rylai attending his school to study knowledge from the Fundamentals. There were a lot of describtion about the Sdo Wo Festival coming up to celebrate the comeback of Lord Furion, her sister sure seems to love party.

Rylai is excited.
She cant wait until the day she got released from this northern desert and learn more about the civilization of the mortal realms that stories keep on praising. As her trip approachs, she spends more time polishing her staff and staring at her ice garden at night. The red essence from the second moon will soon no longer be needed to color her roses. Soon the leafs will be green just like the cover of Neutral and Forces series from The Grand Libary. Soon she will be normal, and reunited with her family.

Suddenly,
As she was looking into the glowing garden through her window,
A noise is approaching.

She frozed as chill running through her spine.
It is the burning sound coming from the ice floor right outside her door.
The sound that she has only ever heard once, when her master was mimicking the magic he despites the most.

With all her might, reaching into her pocket and throw out the dust of revelation toward the door. She quickly runs toward the box where she keep her Staff of Divinity that once belonged to Eul, Glacier's master. With that, she could quickly use the Cyclone spells that would let her reach her master in the top tower at North and bring the most urgent news:

The caste defense is breached.

But she is too late.
The red eyes of Eredar see through her every move after its poison melt down the icing door. As the floor quickly evaporates into water and steam, it casts the disruption spell on Rylai and patiently approached her. The spell vanished. Two illusions of Rylai, emerged from the Demonic Realm, quickly locked down her movements. The 3 fingers palm of demon peirce through thin layers of dust, warp around Rylai's neck. Staring down into Rylai like a mortal staring at an ant, the Shadow Demon mumble the words of the human language its master taught before depart:

"Bring Blueheart, urgent news."

Time to the Sdo Wo festival: 2 weeks.

**
Im daed. Follow me @TL_NB
Qwyn
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
United States2779 Posts
August 25 2012 06:40 GMT
#2
Are you looking for criticism? I know some writers are picky about that.

One suggestion regardless - genre fiction is written in past tense, and that's for a good reason. Generally if you are going to write in the present tense, it is either YA or literary fiction. While many prefer past tense, the choice is completely up to you.

I mention this because your tense changes throughout the piece. This ends up being jarring to the reader.

I like the concept though. If you want more I'd be happy to edit (trying not to go overboard).
"Think of the hysteria following the realization that they consciously consume babies and raise the dead people from their graves" - N0
aRyuujin
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
United States5049 Posts
August 25 2012 06:56 GMT
#3
On August 25 2012 15:40 Qwyn wrote:
Are you looking for criticism? I know some writers are picky about that.

One suggestion regardless - genre fiction is written in past tense, and that's for a good reason. Generally if you are going to write in the present tense, it is either YA or literary fiction. While many prefer past tense, the choice is completely up to you.

I mention this because your tense changes throughout the piece. This ends up being jarring to the reader.

I like the concept though. If you want more I'd be happy to edit (trying not to go overboard).


While he's mostly right, i have a feeling that a lot of these changes are just gramatical errors (bxorned, etc) and not intentional
Are you a native speaker?

Some thoughts (kind of harsh)
+ Show Spoiler +
Concept seems fairly typical. Is it an homage to games rather than a serious work? all the names are lifted from games amirite? reads like a bad fanfic :\


hope you make something out of it
can i get my estro logo back pls
NB
Profile Blog Joined February 2010
Netherlands12045 Posts
August 26 2012 11:56 GMT
#4
no... im just doing it for fun... im not even a native speaker nor good at writing in my mother language so... I was hoping for it to be more like an Idea of screen play, i had a movie(imagination ofc) running through my head and tried to recreate it in text form.
but i do appreciate the feedback though thanks guys
Im daed. Follow me @TL_NB
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