EPTOn Sunday evening, my girlfriend developed double vision (Diplopia) while on the computer. Initially I thought she was just tired, but after Googling this condition, we decided to go to the ER.
She is from China and was studying in an American university when we first met in school. We started our relationship when I was a senior and she was a sophomore. I met her when helping her fix her internet connection as a student tech specialist. We've been together for four years now, and she is currently living with me as we both work in the city.
While in the hospital, I was worried that she had an internal hemorrhage in her brain or has the neurological disorder MS(Multiple Sclerosis). After the CT/MRI scans, they ruled them out. The eye exam also ruled out any direct eye damage, so the only things left are blood clots in small vessels (unlikely as CT/MRI came back clean, but they are running more exams), and MG(Myasthenia Gravis), which is a neuro-muscular disorder that results in the dysfunction of muscle tissues starting from the eyes. It could eventually move down to the whole body, making the person extremely tired and difficult to move/perform daily tasks. This disorder has no cure, but can be managed with a combination of steroids and other drugs with pretty terrible side effects such as Osteoporosis, and the symptoms such as trouble swallowing, double vision, and slurred speech may never go away. She is only 23.
We are still waiting for the blood works to confirm this diagnosis, but since then her left eyelid started to droop - a classic symptom of MG. I am so devastated that I feel like crying my eyes out every single second when I am awake. Since her family and relatives are all in China, I am her only emergency contact, and remained with her for over 20 hours since she checked in.
I have no idea how to prevent myself from feeling sad and depressed in front of her, and just this evening she sensed it and started tearing up, telling me to go home and get some rest. As soon as I walked out of the room, tears dripped down my eyes uncontrollably in front of the hospital staff. I couldn't remember the last time I cried like this, probably over 10 years ago. I came home only to find the tasty garlic bread she baked for me in the fridge, and an half-read article lying on her desk. For countless times I wished it was me who had the disease and not her, so that she would not suffer. Seeing someone I love suffer felt so much worse than having the actual disease myself. Maybe wanting to switch places makes me a selfish person, but the burden of watching her being handed a sentence like this is simply too much to bear.
For the four years I've known her and loved her, she's been nothing but a wonderful person. She is beautiful, intelligent, and honest. She works really hard both in school and at work, and is very eager to learn from others in order to improve herself. She is extremely nice to people around her, and always does the right thing by putting her self interest last. Given the awkward and reserved person that I am, I have never praised her on any of her excellent qualities, but rather teased her occasional immaturity and mishaps frequently for a good laugh. I've thought about asking her to marry me for a very long time, and tossed the idea around as semi-jokes in front of her, to which she always replied that it's a bit early.
She loves to exercise and did a pretty long run just recently in the city. It would break my heart to learn that she may never be able to do that again. I feel so powerless in the situation, and am currently regretting all the times I mistreated her by yelling at her over silly reasons, making her sad and cry. She would always forgive me within a few hours, which makes me feel so small as a human being. It is at this particular moment that I realized that I do not want to live my life without her, and that I would give almost anything to see her not suffer, whether it is a part of my body/organs, or all my bank savings. I don't even care if she still wants to be with me, as long as she lives a happy, healthy life, I would be able to find a balance over time.
I realize that I am not as strong as a guy needs to be when it comes to these matters, but I need to be stronger and optimistic not only in front of her, but also when communicating with her parents and my own family on the matter. I do not know what the consequences are going to be with this sudden development in our lives, the most likely scenario would be that her parents would move her back to China to be properly cared for by her immediate family.
When I started working as a professional, I honestly thought I have matured to a stage to handle most of what life can throw at me, but now I realize just how immature and inexperienced I am. I cannot turn to family for support because it will just bring them more sorrow and worry as they do not live close to me.
I am lost, confused, and deeply saddened. I am writing this to remind myself exactly how I feel today, to remind myself to be a bigger, better, and stronger person, and to remind myself what it feels like to truly love someone to the point of desperation when there is nothing you can do to remedy a grave situation.
Update: They've pretty much confirmed MG, starting her on medication (mestinon). Hopefully she gets better without having the negative side effects. If this does not work, drugs with much worse side effects will be used.
