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Hey TL. It's been a while since I posted here about my personal life. The last time I posted I was trying to get off heroin with the help of suboxone. You can read about it here:
Heroin part 3
http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?topic_id=301228
At the time I really thought suboxone was a miracle drug (it kind of is...) and was convinced it was going to help me quit completely. Well I was wrong.
I ended up abusing suboxone as well. Definitely not nearly as euphoric or fun has heroin but it gave me a nice mild opiate buzz. Eventually when I ran out of suboxone, I went back to the dope and relapsed. Then I realized I was going back to where I started and attempted to quit again, using suboxone. I went back and forth between the subs and H and didn't get anywhere at all.
Well the good news now is I've been off heroin for about two months, and completely sober (from benzos/opiates) for about 3 weeks (not including weed  ).
So how did I do it? I don't give myself too much credit because there are some things that hapened beyond my control that definitely helped me stop.
My main heroin connect's mother died, so he went back to his home country to be with his family. He didn't have anything here in the states. He was homeless and either slept outside in a tent or someone's car. He was constantly relocating because cops would kick him out of the spot. Before he left he gave me another hook's number who was going to replace him. At the moment, I was thinking "well since my connect is not going to be here, might as well quit" and I deleted that number. I talked to him two weeks ago and he seems to be doing well. He's been off H and recently got off suboxone. I'm pretty happy for him. But he had the best damn heroin I've ever came across and for a very reasonable price too.
So for about two weeks after he left I didn't do heroin because it was another chance to "quit". Instead I was using a bunch of xanax, somas, and other prescription pills. It's funny because I'd justify my pill use by saying "at least it's not heroin" and pop 5 xanax bars, when in reality xanax is worse than heroin in terms of addiction and withdrawal. But I really missed that opiate high. No matter how many benzos or amphetamines I take, I always feel like something is missing without opiates. So I tried to cover my opiate cravings with all the other pills I had access to. But in the end, my desire for heroin was just too much.
I relapsed again, and started getting H from another guy. I hooked it from him a few times and everytime I met with him, he was really fucked up. He couldn't even talk to me without slurring th fuck out of his words and nodding out. He'd go to Mexico everyday and smuggle H across the border. He literally got it straight from the cartel. Knowing this information wasn't BS, I couldn't wait to get even better heroin. I couldn't even imagine how it must feel. The prices were a lot higher, but I thought it must be worth it because of the quality. When I tried it though, the quality was shit. What he did was cut the shit out of it before selling it to me. I was so pissed I had this feeling of anger inside me whenever I thought about getting more from him. Being the junkie that I am, I still went back for more.
Then on a random weekday morning, his girlfriend texted me and told me that he shot himself in the head. According to her, he was trying to get off xanax and heroin by himself and couldn't handle the withdrawals so he took the easy way out.
Although it was a bit disturbing, it didn't bother me too much. I was even talking to his girlfriend about going to Mexico to score together. Obviously with her being a junkie too, we had the same priorities. We never actually did it and I haven't talked to her since then.
Since then I haven't got out of my way to find heroin. I obviously could have and I probably still can get some if I really want to, but I'm starting to embrace my sobriety just a little more.
I still abused a shitload of other drugs from then till two weeks ago but this post is getting too long so I'll write about it in my next blog.
Please wish me luck with my sobriety...I hope it really lasts this time.
 
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Good luck dude. Stay strong!
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I love your blogs. Fighting!
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cmon danmooj1. we believe in you.
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Very well done. First, I'd like to take a moment to praise your literary skills  Keep em coming. Second, I wish you luck in your endeavour Takes a big man to tackle life head on!
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good luck buddy, you can do it if you believe in yourself! we all believe you can do it, now it's your turn!!
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if u do it again ill hate u forever
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I have a quite a few friends who've dealt with different types of addictions (xanax, subs, heroin, oxy, others), and I can tell you that I have seen some of these people get free, while others still struggle on a daily basis.
I've read all of your heroin blogs up to this point, and I must say you are quite brave for being willing to put those kinda things out there in public view, that alone tells me you have it inside yourself to beat the addiction.
If you need somebody to talk to at any point shoot me a PM.
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Go to NA! My wife has been clean 7 years and goes to meetings all the time still. If you're not going to NA you're going to die. Get a sponsor and keep going man!
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On June 07 2012 09:31 Kojak21 wrote:
if u do it again ill hate u forever <-- Amen Brother
ps (I've got a hunch he's got it for good this time  )
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Stay strong man! So good to see a recovery especially with something as addicting and harmful as heroin (for it is both :/).
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Good luck, you really made the right decision not going to Mexico with his girlfriend.
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Good luck dude.
I too have dealt with drug problems, and I know how difficult the battle can be. Stay strong, and remember that each day you stay sober is an accomplishment. Don't dwell on your past, but rather look forward to your positive future. You do have the strength to get through it.
Personally, I took joy in grinding through the horrible pain of withdrawal, because I knew that though I was miserable and in pain then, it would only get better. Knowing that I was defeating my demons brought a smile to my face, and I'm very happy to hear you've been sober for a while.
Keep it up!!
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This series is getting better each time I see a new blog from you.
Keep it up! =)
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On June 07 2012 14:02 r.Evo wrote:
This series is getting better each time I see a new blog from you.
Keep it up! =)
Series? Are you serious? This is somebody's life you are talking about.
Am I the only one seriously disturbed by this post? I mean, it's great that you have been off of it for 2 weeks now, but you can't afford to take the risk of you not relapsing considering your history. Sure you might think you are doing well, but what's not to say you won't feel the urge again and seek out your old habits. You need someone to hold you accountable, it's your life after all. Get professional help, talk to someone you trust. Don't just let yourself try and cure this by yourself. It is seriously dangerous and your life is at stake here. Please seek help and I hope you get better.
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Go to fucking rehab this time. You're sober for 2 months, that means shit, go to rehab, pass rehab then post part 5.
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Thanks for the support everybody!
I don't think I need to go to rehab, but it does sound like a good idea to talk to someone. I don't hang out with people that do drugs anymore, most of them don't even smoke weed. So going to NA almost seems like taking a step backwards. Talking to former users about drugs might just make me crave it more.
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I've never been in anything approximating a similar situation, but surely seeing all these other people's lives fall apart after being addicts/involved with drugs (the dealer guy who shot himself, the "connect" who was homeless and sleeping in a car etc.) is a really strong motivation to keep up the good effort?
GL. =)
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NA is for addicts! It's not a step back! All of the advice people are giving is junk. NA has a whole room of people that KNOW what you're going through. Some of the most amazing people I know are all in NA and have been clean for many years. They keep going because addicts are powerless to addiction. Heather (my wife) was just telling me how sad it is to see newcommers at NA and all excited about staying clean because a huge % just kick and die. There are addicts that have years of clean time and a new wonderful life that relapse and theow it all away because they don't think they need meetings. If you're an addict you can not escape. You think seboxone or weed is going to keep you "clean"? That's bullshit man. My wife went from a dope junky to a PHD at Harvard and it all started by getting clean and going to NA. Don't fuck around. Get clean and do it right.
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Personally i think the whole "you are powerless" is a real bullshit line
You are NOT powerless to your addiction, you can fight it and win, don't believe people when they say that you hare helpless that's an absolute lie
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Are you an addict? "Normal" people think that "You're poweless to addiction" sounds stupid. But they aren't addicts. For me I don't think it'd be hard at all to quit anything that's unhealthy. But just fucking TRY. Quit video games for a month. Quit sugar for a month. Quit coffee for any ammount of time. I't not impossible but it's hard. But for addicts it's a lot fucking harder.
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Never said anything was easy
But saying that you are powerless to quit (and btw, that is EXACTLY what these groups tell you), and that you HAVE to rely on someone else (usually indicated as a higher power) in order to quit - whilst it may work for some people, is almost certainly a lie
Traditionally (and more rather, realistically) when people quit things, it's a gradual process. Very few people quit something instantly in one go, usually you have the intention to quit, then you do it less, and you might have some relapses, and then you'll do it less and less and slowly wean it out of your system.
This is not something i've just made up, but this is actually exactly the words i've gotten from multiple psychologists dealing with this (hearsay, yes i know) and my own problems.
Unfortunately many "systems" out there convince you that you have to go cold turkey or nothing, or that there is nothing you can do yourself, and they lead to the case where the person feels guilty and beats himself up for not being able to hold himself to the highest, perfect standard which is given to him
----
Of course, this is just what i've been taught and my opinion. I have no doubt that any support group of any kind would be beneficial for a whole load of reasons (contact with people in a similar situations, examples of people who have done it etc. etc.)
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wish i saw the subboxon post earlier, cuz i would have said that it is just gonna set you up for a second addiction, or at least an easy way to cover up the dope sick when you don't score for a few days. subboxon is basically the new methadone. it's one thing to give that to someone in rehab to sedate them. but giving to a patient who is not in a treatment center, it is an easy way to act like you're not using to roomates or family.
it's almost impossible to go clean on your own. like, recovery rates for opiate addictions by lockin yourself in a room is around 5% or something insanely low. please don't listen to brtarolg. He is stupid and naive, and probably has never known anyone hooked on dope otherwise he wouldnt be spouting such dumb shit. with professional help, if you stay sober for a year, the chances of staying clean go as high as about 70%. cost is the prohibitive factor obviously, and there is still the issue of finding a rehab center that is good instead of a place that just dishes out more suboxxon, but it really is the only way to get truly clean.
NA is good, but by itself, it isn't enough. it's not professionals. you need a detox and a rehab followed by outpatient services to break the behavioral and psychologal patterns otherwise you're ultimately gonna bump into a trigger that will have you heading towards the hood for a fix. shit, even just popping benzos or other medicine cabinet opioids is gonna have you on the fast track back to heroin real fast once you start spending way too much money on that and start looking for much cheaper and stronger heroin.
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Had wondered where you'd gotten to, glad to hear from you, stay strong and consider the advice about support!
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On June 07 2012 23:47 BrTarolg wrote:
Never said anything was easy
But saying that you are powerless to quit (and btw, that is EXACTLY what these groups tell you), and that you HAVE to rely on someone else (usually indicated as a higher power) in order to quit - whilst it may work for some people, is almost certainly a lie
Traditionally (and more rather, realistically) when people quit things, it's a gradual process. Very few people quit something instantly in one go, usually you have the intention to quit, then you do it less, and you might have some relapses, and then you'll do it less and less and slowly wean it out of your system.
This is not something i've just made up, but this is actually exactly the words i've gotten from multiple psychologists dealing with this (hearsay, yes i know) and my own problems.
Unfortunately many "systems" out there convince you that you have to go cold turkey or nothing, or that there is nothing you can do yourself, and they lead to the case where the person feels guilty and beats himself up for not being able to hold himself to the highest, perfect standard which is given to him
----
Of course, this is just what i've been taught and my opinion. I have no doubt that any support group of any kind would be beneficial for a whole load of reasons (contact with people in a similar situations, examples of people who have done it etc. etc.)
On the subject of "higher power". There are a lot of Athiests at NA. Some people choose a god. Others see "Higher Power" as the community that surrounds them. The other addicts that are there to help.
I do know that rehab is how Heather initially got clean. NA is how people learn to stay clean.
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EPT
