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story: a boy and dog

Blogs > lloydp
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lloydp
Profile Blog Joined October 2010
United States82 Posts
April 04 2012 15:44 GMT
#1
So I finished this piece of fiction, and tried to do the characterization between the dog and boy while also not being boring. It's about 1400 words total, and I even did some editing. Any criticism welcome. I have no other story ideas atm though, I hope I can think of something.

+ Show Spoiler +
Prologue

After much discussion and research among the parents they decides to adopt a dog. They just wanted a companion, not a competition winner, so they decided to get one from a shelter. Like most people who adopt dogs, they decided on a little energetic young dog. This one was little over a year old, and male. They picked this specific dog because it was relatively relaxed. They were very happy with the dog, from when they brought it home up till the dog's, and even their own, death. The parents came home with the dog, which they named Cookie.
They brought the cute little puppy Cookie home to meet their son. The two kids played relatively often, and seemed to get along quite well. Cookie, of course, grew up with the kid from being a puppy and grew to love him very much. It was the parents prerogative to take care of Cookie, being that it was them who wanted a dog and went through everything to obtain it.
Now the kid was in 10th grade, and the dog was 4 years old. His parents were quite busy, working more and taking on more responsibilities. And it is now Thursday morning.

Part 1

"ot, iot, Elliot, wake up" "ELLIOT!" And so the world, well just his bedroom really, came alive and awoke with him, relatively speaking. There was also his mother, of course, angry that she woke up and turned his alarm off before he was conscious whatsoever. Elliot didn't really care though. In fact, he has just been zoning out thinking of what he wants for breakfast, since he usually has a hard time deciding. "OK then? If YOUR alarm gets me up and I can come and turn it off before you get up you need more sleep"
"Wow she had been talking for a couple minutes and I got the tl;dr in a couple seconds" thought Elliot, with a mental eye roll.
"Sure" Elliot said
"What do you want for breakfast?"
"um..." and then after about 5 seconds of his maternal unit becoming visually even angrier and impatient "pancakes" And so she marched off to make them while he changed and cleaned and etc.
After breakfast Elliot made sure to have all the necessary stuff for school in his bag and hopped in the car with his mom and with cookie. This was basically what happened every school day morning (minus mom being angry, that only happened most of the time (usually at something different, but a few, like todays, recurred sometimes)). Cookie would usually be in the passenger seat, but sometimes in the back with Elliot. Elliot always sat in the back because the passenger seat couldn't comfortably fit him and his backpack, so it made getting out quicker. Elliot liked Cookie riding in the car to school, he felt less anxious around his mom when Cookie was around. There are many things he liked about...well, Elliot thought, it would be more accurate to say there are many USES for this dog. He thought that-"we're here" his mom said as the car stopped. Elliot grabbed his bag, said bye, hugged Cookie, and left for school.
After school Elliot's dad picked him up, and Cookie usually came along for that ride as well.
"Hey dad can you bring me over to Mario's on Saturday?"
"Why, just to hang out"
"Yeah, if enough people show up we will probably play some soccer or a mini starcraft tournament"
"Hoon always wins those though, right?"
"Yeah, he's better than even most of the other Koreans at school who play it though"(Elliot's school had an exchange program so that many Asian kids went there for high school to better their english, learn a new culture, etc. They would go back to their respective homes/countries afterward.)
Elliot thought about how he hardly had any friendly gatherings at his house in part because of Cookie. He was an extremely rambunctious dog who constantly bothered anyone who didn't live with him for a couple hours until finally calming down. It wasn't terrible though, his dad was willing to bring out the dog gates and keep Cookie in line. It just made using most any other friend's house more optimal.
After Elliot arrived home he did some studying. He then took Cookie for his needed walk, which Elliot only does when his parents are too busy or something. He didn't mind it too much, though.
"C'mon Cookie, lets go", something that had to be repeated many times throughout the outing.
*pant, pant*, said Cookie, that being the only sensible response he was capable of. And as much as Cookie liked being outside, he almost never rebelled against going back in (as long as the door was less than 2 meters away, or else he would probably just be distracted more).
Elliot saw it would be a while before dinner and went off to do whatever he wanted, playing, reading, or whatever. About an hour later he could hear his mom being angry, his dad listening, and thought "noisy" while feeling a bit uncomfortable about it. The second issue was happily fixed by Cookie walking in and laying down by Elliot, which made both feel better.

part 2

It was now a couple weeks after Elliot's 16th birthday, and the door was knocked at. Elliot typed brb and, with his dad saw what the door-knocker wanted. Elliot saw his grandmother with a box, apparently back from her trip to Canada to visit relatives, the box probably being a late birthday present. At least, that's what Elliot thought she meant when she said "I know it's late, but happy birthday". Elliot found that the present was 2 shoes (a much better gift, at least, than one shoe). Apparently, Elliot's dad was surprised as well, so how did she know the right size? It turned out they felt ok, maybe too big. Elliot's dad said he should take Cookie out to test them, so Elliot agreed.
So I put Cookie on his leash, opened the door and moved out. The weather was dark, the grass grayer in the dark gray cloud covered sky. Cookie was trying to move beyond the confines of what leash physics allows. Cookie and I had very differing views of yard interestivity as well, on completely rival sides. Even thinking this, Elliot still found the activity of walking around the yard with a leash that had Cookie on the end of it boring. The two got to the cul-de-sac island a few houses down and Elliot was about to head back to the house. Elliot started thinking of how Cookie took away a good bit of time by being loud and interruptive, having to walk him all the time, and
FLASH! KKRRTCHT! CKKRRR!
Suddenly, a large amount of things happened at the same time, my mind froze, processing it all (and not even doing a good job at that). there was a giant booming crackling sound accompanied by a flash of light from the sky. My right wrist/arm was tugged extremely hard and stopped. It was like if a big burly person grabbed my wrist and held on tight while moving opposite of how my body moved, but also his grip sliding off my wrist through the palm, and then off my fingers, all in about 1.5 seconds. I would have stayed firm, without bending over to let the leash loose, but my right food came out of my shoe.

Cookie was running towards the house front door, and was, a second before Elliot regained the ability to move and sorta process what was going on, a couple feet behind Elliot. Cookie looked like, in running for the house, he would be struck down by an oncoming car that was accidentally going 7 mph more than it should be.

I noticed Cookie run past me, and I started running, hoping I could catch the leash, I saw the car moving fast and jumped/lunged forward at the leash, hands coming together, trying to grab hold. Cookie was probably immediately pulled 3 feet back due to the pullback of momentum when stopped by the leash. the car, in the grass a little, drove by in front of Cookie right after being pulled back. I realized a little how much I do, in fact, love this dog. The feelings are worth any sort of time wasted or being annoyed sometimes, and I am certainly not ready for him to die. I most certainly won't test new shoes while being responsible for something.


*
master toss <3 carriers http://www.obs-gaming.com/forums/activity.php
gumshoe
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada3602 Posts
April 04 2012 19:52 GMT
#2
Errr theres alot of grammar errors, the writing is generally awkward" and theres not much of a story here, and the punch line is meh because theres not much investment in a dog you just got. I'm sorry ) : this whole sentence which is pretty much the crux of the story-"Cookie was running towards the house front door, and was, a second before Elliot regained the ability to move and sorta process what was going on, a couple feet behind Elliot. Cookie looked like, in running for the house, he would be struck down by an oncoming car that was accidentally going 7 mph more than it should be." is pretty much intelligible.
gumshoe bullshitting at 120%~~Prplz
ecstatica
Profile Blog Joined February 2012
United States542 Posts
April 04 2012 20:29 GMT
#3
TL created a monster

gumshoe, think in terms of his future health. For all we know this kid could never write again. You didn't have to spell it out
NeMeSiS3, Portlandian, Reason,
Apom
Profile Blog Joined August 2011
France655 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-04-04 20:55:07
April 04 2012 20:54 GMT
#4
I don't know what age you're supposed to be when in 10th grade, so maybe you are just a kid, but that writing isn't very good. More accurately, it is very not good.
gumshoe
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada3602 Posts
April 04 2012 21:06 GMT
#5
On April 05 2012 05:29 ecstatica wrote:
TL created a monster

gumshoe, think in terms of his future health. For all we know this kid could never write again. You didn't have to spell it out


hey he asked for feed back.
gumshoe bullshitting at 120%~~Prplz
Dacendoran
Profile Blog Joined June 2009
United States825 Posts
April 04 2012 22:23 GMT
#6
Gumshoe noone's writing is perfect, for example the word you're looking for is unintelligible not the opposite of the word meaning understandable IE. "intelligible". To the op make sure to proofread your writing a bit more before you ask for other people's feedback =].
gumshoe
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada3602 Posts
April 04 2012 22:39 GMT
#7
On April 05 2012 07:23 Dacendoran wrote:
Gumshoe noone's writing is perfect, for example the word you're looking for is unintelligible not the opposite of the word meaning understandable IE. "intelligible". To the op make sure to proofread your writing a bit more before you ask for other people's feedback =].


My bad, though criticizing someone doesn't imply your perfect, also but whats good about this story? Is it even true? According to him it's fiction so theres no personal core to it(did you actually have a dog?) the characters are stereotypes, over zealous but loving parents and online born and bred son. The word choice is often questionable the grammars off and the tale concludes before it's really begun. I'm sorry, I hope you do get better, but this is not good. End of story, I rather be a bit critical if it means he improves. (I've backed up what I've said and I haven't trolled, what more can you ask for?)
gumshoe bullshitting at 120%~~Prplz
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