March Mascot Madness 2012

Rules:
1)The better mascot or school nickname wins
2)Ties will be broken by Google Image Search results
3)If a better team than you (or just one that I wrote about earlier) has the same mascot, it usually means instant disqualification
4)I have a heavy ACC bias. Deal with it.
5)Duke Sucks

We have a pretty typical set of mascots competing this year. The obvious standouts are the proven warriors like the Cavaliers or Spartans or last year's winner the Jayhawks, but this is a crazy competition, and anything can happen. Last year's semifinals were determined by a game of Space Jam and a historical imperative, so these mascots have to be ready for anything.

Of the 64 mascots, 19 represent some group of humans, and 26 represent various other mammals. Among the mammals there are 6 canids, 6 felids, 3 ursines, and a surprising number of draft animals. Rounding out the field we have 7 birds, 3 supernatural entities, 2 forces of nature, a tree, a reptile, and a full five mascots that don't seem to be nouns or even actual things at all. Let's start in the East.

EAST:
Ro32
1 Syracuse Orangemen v 16 UNC Asheville Bulldogs
The first match is a battle of the completely mundane against the utterly bizarre. The bulldog is one of the most common mascots in the NCAA, while the Orangeman is one of the most inscrutable. As strange as the orangemen are, though, Syracuse used to be home to the Saltine Warriors, so at least it's a step in the ri.... well it's a step in some direction away from dry crackers at least. Syracuse wins on originality alone.

8 Kansas State Wildcats v 9 Southern Miss Golden Eagles
According to Wikipedia:
Golden Eagle- “In one North American study, mammals comprised 83.9% of the eagles' diet”
Wildcat- "Scientific classification. Kingdom: Animalia Phylum:Chordata Class:Mammalia"
Easy.

5 Vandy Commodores v 12 Harvard Crimson
"Crimson" is the sort of answer you get for "School Nickname" when playing Madlibs with someone unfamiliar with English parts of speech. I guess that's what happens when you care about ascots more than mascots. So we'll go with their on-field mascot, the Cantab, who looks, as the people of his time would say, a bit "touched." The Commodores' mascot as least looks like he's enjoying himself, so he gets the call here.

4 Wisconsin Badgers v 13 Montana Grizzlies
Unless they are honey badgers, grizzlies just don’t give a fuck.

6 Cincy Bearcats v 11 Texas Longhorns
Here we have a large, stealthy predator against a slow moving, dumb herbivore. Easy steak dinner for Cincinnati.

3 FL State Seminoles v 14 Saint Bonadventure Bonnies
So errrr..... what's a bonnie? The logo is no help.

All I can make out is some sort of vaguely menacing mammal with perhaps one of those tribal discs in its lower lip? Whatever it is, it looks trackable and killable, which means it should pose no problems for the Seminoles.

7 Gonzaga Bulldogs v 10 WV Mountaineers
Mountaineers: awesome beards, giant axes, Davy Crockett. Bulldogs: wrinkly skin, bad hips, massive inbreeding.

2 Ohio State Buckeyes v 15 Loyola Greyhounds
This is an odd one as we have a tree versus a domesticated dog. Well... dogs pee on trees, I guess... but I don’t know if that counts as a victory since the tree can probably use those minerals and moisture for sustenance. And Buckeye fruit can be fatal if enough are eaten, but there aren't many dogs that stupid.... In the end I’ve got to go with: tree smashes shitty bus service whose vehicles never fail to smell of urine.

Ro32
1 Syracuse Orangemen v 9 Southern Miss Golden Eagles
This exact matchup came up last year except the golden eagles were those of Marquette. My previous argument stands:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3n4qPpL8T0&feature=player_embedded

5:Vandy Commodores v 13: Montana Grizzlies
This is a surprisingly tough one, since, as we established before, the Vanderbilt mascot is actually kind of a badass. However, would a naval officer be able to take on one of the biggest land predators? I think even if a grizzly got loose on a boat, the Commodore's home turf, it would mangle most of the crew before being taken down, so the edge here goes to the grizzlies.

6: Cincy Bearcats v 3: FL State Seminols
Yet another easily hunted mammal for the Seminoles to take down.

10 WV Mountaineers v 2 Ohio State Buckeyes
Lumberjacks vs trees. Not a difficult one to call.

RO16
9 Southern Miss Golden Eagles v 13 Montana Grizzlies
Here the grizzlies come up against their biggest weakness: flight. Big lumbering bears just aren’t built to fend off fast, aggressive birds of prey. The Eagles advance.

3 FL State Seminols v 10 WV Mountaineers
One of the most awesome matchups you could possibly imagine. Mountaineers v Indians is right up there with Ninjas v Pirates and Plants v Zombies in terms of great rivalries, and there is no obvious winner. I think we have to go to the match location for this one: Boston. Not many mountains in and around the metropolis, but plenty of marshes and swamps. The Seminoles go on the warpath and wipe out the hardy, flapjack-loving Mountaineers.

Ro8
9 Southern Miss Golden Eagles v 3 FL State Seminoles

Any questions?

East Champions: FL State Seminoles

South
Ro64
1 Kentucky Wildcats v 16 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

Errrr... what?

8 Iowa State Cyclones v 9 UConn Huskies
While cyclones are indeed powerful forces of nature, I don’t think all that many happen up in the arctic. And even if they do, Huskies are built to withstand that kind of abuse.

5: Wichita St Shockers v 12: VCU Rams
Contrary to what the College Humor generation might think, the Shockers actually get their name from wheat-farming, not a crude sexual maneuver. When it comes to a farmer vs a domesticatable animal, the farmer is the easy choice.

5 Indiana Hoosiers v 13 New Mexico State Aggies
One kind of generic descrition of a certain population against another. I thought I’d just have to coin flip this until I did a Google image search.

The moustache wins it easy.

6 UNLV Rebels v 11. Colorado Buffaloes

3 Baylor Bears v 14 South Dakota State Jackrabbits.
There is an old fable where a jackrabbit challenges a bear to race. The jackrabbit gets very far ahead, starts to feel cocky, and decides to take a nap. The bear catches up and eats the jackrabbit. The moral of the story is don’t challenge bears to competitions because they will eat you. Or something.

7 Nortre Dame Fighting Irish v 10 Xavier Musketeers
Never bring a tiny, unarmed, Irish man to a sword fight.

2 Duke Blue Devils v 15 Lehigh Mountain Hawks
The Mountain Hawks used to be the Brown and White, which used to be the Engineers. Might as well be the Fighting Protractors or the Slide Rules. Just for that, they will be cursed in all mascot tournaments until they pick an actual animal to represent them..

Ro32
1 Kentucky Wildcats v 9 UConn Huskies
Cat versus dog? It’s time for a cute-off.
+ Show Spoiler [Round 1:] +

Point: Huskies

+ Show Spoiler [Round 2:] +

Point: Wildcats

+ Show Spoiler [Round 3:] +

Point Huskies

Huskies win 2-1!

5 Wichita St Shockers v 13 New Mexico State Aggies
Decided by GIS again:

Loses big time.

6 UNLV Rebels v 3 Baylor Bears
A tough one, as Rebels are significantly more adept at bear-wrangling than Commodores. Points were taken off of Baylor for being just generic bears, opening the possibility of teddy-, huga-, and/or build-a- varieties.

2 Duke Blue Devils 10 Xavier Musketeers
Assuming the musketeers don’t have cheap, overpowered net bullshit, the superior range and throwability of tridents seem to win here.

RO16
9 UConn Huskies v 13 New Mexico State Aggies
The Aggies face their first non-human foe. Luckily for them, it’s man’s best friend. Unluckily for them, the Aggies are lured into a false sense of security by the oppressive Husky cuteness before their throats are ripped out

2 Duke Blue Devils v 6 UNLV Rebels
The Rebels think they're pretty tough until they realize that the devils came to be after Lucifer and the angels themselves rebelled against an OMNIPOTENT, OMNISCIENT BEING.and were cast out of heaven FOREVER. A foolish move, some might say, but it earns the Rebels’ respect and they surrender.

CONSOLATION MATCH:
I tried really hard to set up a match between the Aggies and the Rebels in order to have an epic mustache-off, but it didn’t make sense. So let me know: which -stache is best?

Ro8
2 Duke Blue Devils v 9 UConn Huskies
Unlike the poor aggies, Devils don’t have the soft soul to be melted by cute husky puppies. Thankfully, all dogs go to heaven, so after the slaughter the puppies are safe from their brutal killers.

South Champions: Duke Blue Devils

WEST
1Michigan State Spartans 16 LIU Blackbirds
All their lifes, LIU was waiting for this moment to arrive. Now they have to take their broken wings and relearn how to fly through months of painful and humiliating rehab.

8 Memphis Tigers v 9 Saint Louis Billikens
It is pretty obvious that the Billiken is one of the weakest mascots in this competition, so I’ll use this space for a public service announcement.

When ever you see something like this on a university campus, and a tour guide tells you that it is tradition to rub or kiss a part of the statue for luck, I guarentee that it is an even more common tradition to pee on that statue and then laugh when visitors touch it.

5 New Mexico Lobos v 12 Long Beach St 49’ers
Usually when a team has a numerical name like this, it refers to a particularly basass group of people who braved difficult circumstances to accomplish something great and lasting. Often the ones who don't survive are eaten, and the term "lone survivor" tends to come up a lot. In this case it just refers to the fact that the school was founded in 1949. Yes, their mascot is a prospector to honor the 1849 gold rush. But gullible hustlers who are lured away from their homes and families by get-rich-quick schemes aren't exactly prime mascot material either.

4 Louisville Cardinals v 13 Davidson Wildcats.
PLEASE STOP WITH THE WILDCATS.

6 Murray State Racers v 11 Colorado State Rams
There should a ram-racing league somewhere. People would totally watch that. Ram jockeys have to be way bigger badasses than the scrawny horse jockeys or the hilariously disproportioned greyhound jockeys.

3 Marquette Golden Eagles v 14 BYU Cougars
Although cougars would lose to golden eagles, Marquette is disqualified under the repetition rule.

7 Florida Gators v 10 Virginia Cavaliers
“"That night [of the 19 February 1945] was the most horrible that any member of the M.L. [motor launch] crews ever experienced. The scattered rifle shots in the pitch black swamp punctured by the screams of wounded men crushed in the jaws of huge reptiles, and the blurred worrying sound of spinning crocodiles made a cacophony of hell that has rarely been duplicated on earth. At dawn the vultures arrived to clean up what the crocodiles had left. . . . Of about one thousand Japanese soldiers that entered the swamps of Ramree, only about twenty were found alive."[2][2]”

2 Missouri Tigers v 15 Norfolk State Spartans
Luckily for Michigan State, Norfolk is hardcore disqualified for having one of the most effeminate, least threatening representations of Spartans artistically possible:

Ro32
1. Michigan State Spartans 8.Memphis Tigers
What? Another Spartan v Tiger matchup in the same region? Just as Norfolk was disqualified for using the art of the provost’s fifteen year old son's crappy graphic design project as a logo, Memphis gets the boot for having an almost preternaturally poor sense of contrast and style.

5 New Mexico Lobos v 4 Louiseville Cardinals
Fairly straight-forward. The two usually wouldn’t interact that much, but it’s hard to see what a cardinal could do to a wolf. Also, los Lobos have that sexy, ethnic appeal.

6. Murray State Racers v 14 BYU Cougars
Even better than ram-riding would be cougar-racing. Unfortunately, there are only three people in the US man enough to do it, and they simply don’t put up with that sort of nonsense anymore

7 Florida Gators v 2 Missouri Tigers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IM1oaGp8Qho
(A tad graphic)

Ro16
1 Michigan State Spartans v 5 New Mexico Lobos

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSvBr4Qa-Fs

14 BYU Cougars v 2 Missouri Tigers
Another cute off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msXBTo2wBvI

Tigers win.

Ro8
1 Michigan State Spartans 2 Missouri Tigers
Tigers face Spartans for the third time this region, and this time there will be no artistic disqualifications. While a equal numbers of tigers and spartans might put on a tremendous show, tigers are lone hunters by nature, so the legendary teamwork of the Spartans pull them through.

West Champions: Michigan State Spartans

MIDWEST
1. UNC Tarheels v 16. TBD
Although we don’t know who is playng yet, a 16th seeded mascot has never beaten a 1st seeded mascot, just like in the actually tournament. Also, that fact that the mascot for Lamar College is not “The Burtons” is a travesty.

8 Creighton Bluejays v 9 Alabama Crimson Tide
From Wikipedia: “The nickname Crimson Tide originates from a 1907 football game versus Auburn University in Birmingham where, after a hard-fought game in torrential rain in which Auburn had been heavily favored to win, Alabama forced a tie. Writing about the game, one sportswriter described the offensive line as a "Crimson Tide", in reference to their jerseys, stained red from the wet dirt.” Reproductive health jokes aside, this is a terrible nickname. On top of that, they try to make their mascot an elephant. The existence of this alone makes Alabama lose:

5 Temple Owls v 12 Undecided
Owls are neat. Also, this play-in nonsense needs to stop.

4 Michigan Wolverines v 13 Ohio Bobcats
Well, at least they’re not wildcats or cougars. However, wolverines have about 10 lbs on bobcats, so Michigan gets the win.

6 SDSU Aztecs v 11 NCSU Wolfpack
The Aztecs made it to the semifinals of last year’s mascot brawl, losing to UNC after Aztec god Huitzilopochtli foolishly chose Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple as his partner in a 2v2 hoops game against Micheal Jordan and Bugs Bunny.The god flew into a rage and slaughtered nearly all able-bodied men, women and children from his tribes, leaving nobody to face off against the Wolfpack. Also

3 Georgetown Hoyas v 14 Belmont Bruins
Rule 6) If you don’t even know where your own nickname comes from, you forfiet the mascot tournament.

7 St Mary’s Gaels v 10 Purdue Boilermakers
I am a bit unsure whether “Gael Force Onne” is this or this. Either way, they should have stuck with “The Saints.” They could totally have had a holy justice league vibe going on. Or maybe all the most bad-ass saints coming back for a game of basketball against Richard Dawkins and four of significantly-less-visible-and-popular atheist friends for the fate of the world. Somebody please make this.

2 Kansas Jayhawks v 15 Detroit Titans
The Jayhawks won the whole mascot tournament last year, having been named after violent anti-slavery activists. This time though, they go up against the precursors to the Greek pantheon. While the Olympians were able to lock the titans up beneath geologic features, there isn’t much a bunch of civil-war era rabble rousers can do against actual mythological beings.

Ro32
1 UNC Tarheels v 8 Creighton Bluejays
Bluejays are annoying and aggressive, but colleges need to learn to avoid songbirds if they want to do well in this tournament.

5 Temple Owls v 4 Michigan Wolverines
I live about two blocks away from the Big House. It pains me to say it, but flight and stealth give Owls a huge advantage over Wolverines.

11. NCSU Wolfpack v 14 Belmont Bruins
This one reminds me of a classic grudge match, which is in some way an inspiration for this tournament. I think that if there is an entire pack of wolves for each bear, NCSU just manages to gut this one out even if the bears work together. There are only three wolves left over with ten legs between them though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pd7yTRnYzg

10 Purdue Boilermakers v 15 Detroit Titans
The Boilermakers had an odd time of it last tournament. They had essentially three walkovers in a row before being viciously slaughtered by the Jayhawks. This time they came prepared. Using the time after their easy first match to put their boiler-making skills to work, Purdue created an army of Shadow of the Colossus-like steam-punk giants, all voiced by Vin Diesel. The ensuing battle is epic and lays waste to all of Saint Louis, but in the end the ancient gods are no match for semi-modern science and engineering. Purdue makes it through with just a single mechanical monster still standing.

Ro16
1 UNC Tarheels v 5. Temple Owls
Owls put up a little more of a fight than Blue Jays, but the fight is still mismatched in favor of the actual humans with weapons.

11 NCSU Wolfpack v 10 Purdue Boilermakers
Both sides are battered after their tough last battles. The boilermakers just keep piling coal into their creaking warmachine, though, and it cleans up the bruised and broken remnants of the wolfpack.

Ro8
1 UNC Tar Heels v 10 Purdue Boilermakers
The metallic colossus before them is threatening, but Tar Heels never retreat, which is exactly how they got their name. Also, North Carolina has over 125,000 active military personnel. While the boilermakers have furiously repaired and reinforced their giant automaton in between battles, the Tar Heels simply call on their armed forces to blow the oversized tinman into a scrap heap, sending UNC to their second straight Mascot Final Four.

Final Four:
1 UNC Tar Heels v 3 Florida State Seminoles
Andrew Jackson was born in North Carolina and the Seminoles haven’t forgotten his crimes. Having used their military favors to destroy the Boilermakers' mechanical monstrosity, the Tar Heels are forced to go in mano e mano against the Seminoles. Perhaps in their Appalachian or Piedmont homeland they would stand a chance, but in the swamps and bayous of New Orleans, the Seminoles route the Tar Heels with brutal ease.

1 Michigan State Spartans v 2 Duke Blue Devils
The demon deacons have claimed many souls for evil this tournament, slaying Musketeers, Rebels, and even adorable puppies. But this is their first real test, and it's against some of the most renowned warriors the earth has ever seen. They aren’t worried, though, as the Blue Devils happen to not be mortal, and have demonic powers no human could hope to overcome. However, the Spartans have a trick up their sleeve. They call in a favor from Artemis, the patron goddess of Sparta. She is also the goddess of the virginity, and seeing as virginity runs strong on the Duke campus, Artemis holds significant sway there and is able to weaken the Blue Devils to the point of vincibility, forcing them to fight fair. Well, that is not the way of devils, so they concede and invite the Spartans over for dinner later to celebrate. Tom Izzo accepts, and tells his team that tonight they will be dining in hell tonight, so pack something light and breathable.

FINALS
3 Florida State Seminoles v 1 Michigan State Spartans
Two of the fiercest bands of warriors ever known face off in the finals of the mascot challenge. On one side we have a band of 300 who, along with a few thousand allies, held off an army of hundreds of thousands for two days through superior training and sheer force of will. One the other side we have a staunch band of guerrilla fighters who held off the might of the US Army by utilizing their knowledge of the mire of the Everglades. The US spent 40,000,000 dollars in 1842 (more than $800,000,000 in today’s dollars) trying to wipeout an army of around 1,000. The US only got the the Seminole leader Oscela through treachery, tricking him into a parley and then kidnapping and killing him. Similarly, the Spartans were eventually given up by a local who showed the Persians a path around the main force of Greeks, allowing Xerxes's army to surround and kill them.

A battle between these two would probably inspire stylized, bloody, slow-mo-filled, movies for generations to come, but there is one important distinction. The Seminoles are still around, while ancient Sparta was wiped out long ago. Although Greece eventually decided to build a city on the site of the ancient city-state, the population that lives inside the city limits is only 18,184. Estimated population of the Seminole tribes? 18,600. Bam. Winners by historical fact.

Winners of the 2012 Mascot Madness Tournament: Florida State Seminoles

If you want to follow along with how well this bracket holds up with the actual tournament: http://games.espn.go.com/tournament-challenge-bracket/en/entry?entryID=2750272 It actually did not terribly (like 40th percentile) in last year's upset-fest. Too bad a wildcats and a bulldogs made it to the final four.

March Mascot Madness 2012

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