EPTFor me it was more, a lot more. I have always had the need to prove myself in various things (I hate losing so it most likely evolved out of that, but what do I know), needless to say I was very hyped about winning this tournament and as it really was a qualifier I was already picturing myself in the finals and eventually making it to the grandfinal and winning. Childish and naive? Yep, that's my middle name. Inconsiderate of the circumstances and putting way too much pressure on my shoulders? OH, so you've met my brother! How is he doing nowadays eh?
I wanted to win that qualifier, I wanted to win that tournament later. I wanted it bad. So badly. I practiced more than what I ever have done before and prepared specific strategies and tried to put a stample on my play. But in practice I wasn't doing as good as I wanted myself to and I got this anxious feeling... "What if I fail?" "How the fuck do I transition out of that?"
No longer I thought about if my playstyle was what I really wanted or if I thought it was fun. I wanted to win, I didn't care for the game anymore. If I was given the opportunity to win the tournament without even playing one game I would do so happily. As a lot of ingenuity from my play flew away I started playing even worse and I wasn't improving in practice at all. I felt like panicing... "Wasn't this the way to getting better?" "Playing in 5 hour periods without breaks?"
The day before the tournament I early in the day went on a big losing streak, losing about 8 games in a row. I was ready to give up. If I can't even play properly in practice because im scared of not improving, how in the flying fuck am I supposed to play in a tournament environment where I don't feel comfortable at all?
Luckily I have great friends and family who are ready to support me in almost whatever I do (I don't think they would support me if I said I would want to become a transexual exotic dancer, even though I'd probably make a fine transexual exotic dancer, things like eating dinner when I come home from work in my glittery a-little-bit-too-showing-suit could make things awkward...) Somehow I felt the motivation to play again, and I was playing with my old love for the game, I was doing my old builds, winning wasn't as important I just wanted to show my opponent a good game. I decided to end on top after something like a 7 games won in a row, but I was very nervous.
I tried to go bed early that night (hence the word "tried" in that sentence) and I woke up tired after supposingly twelve hours of sleep. I could barely eat in the morning. In my mind there was only one word that was bouncing around. "Win win win win win win win win win win" I thought that losing was unacceptable, I had without even knowing my opponents already crowned myself champion even though I just the last day probably was playing worse than what I ever had done before.
I think most of you already figured out what happened at the tournament, but I'll do my best to describe it. I was too nervous to do anything. My first two games I couldn't even split my workers properly. I was too aggressive every game, just trying to win as quickly as possible so I could get home with a trophy. What shook me the most was in the first set I lost where I made a huge misjudgement that eventually cost me the game, knocking me down to loser's bracket and then in my mind I already lost the tournament.
Before I played my match in loser's bracket there was a lunch break, luckily I had my friends there to support me and they kept telling me how I would win the next set, how I would come from the loser's bracket only to win the tournament later. I didn't believe them, I felt so tired and most of all dumb. I thought to myself: How could've been so stupid? Even a retard could've seen that you shouldn't have tried to go in there, and don't even get me started on your marine splits this tournament... Beyond horrible, do you even play this game?
Even though I was hungry I couldn't eat as much as I needed to (note that it was 4 PM and for breakfast I had half a pancake), I felt like going home to just forget about what happened today, but I still went back to play what would be my last set. Everything I did felt horrible and in my head I still heard my notion of "Win win win win win win win win", I tried to play again and somehow and in someway I won the first game after being quite behind. The second game I got destroyed due to my own inability to build supply depots and press 4 and hold A. The last game we played I had won for a moment, but like almost every game of the tournament it slipped through my fingers like sand and I eventually gg'ed out.
The guy I lost to was very nice though, and I think he could tell I was disappoint and he told me I played well. I didn't believe him and was very well mannered and all, until I got outside.
I slammed my bag into the ground and screamed FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK, luckily my friend who was there managed to calm me down a little bit, but he had to go home so I was left alone and eventually I made my way home thanks to my dad.
I hated myself and I thought about quitting SC2 for good, since after having one bad tournament day my angry and disappointed self thought everything I knew about the game was gone. I was mad for the rest of the day and I went to bed early.
I thought about why and mostly how I could've been so bad at this game? What made me fail, what had happened to me?
Then I realized what was different, I was no longer playing because I thought the game was fun or because I wanted to get good and learn from it. I played to win. I played because I was scared of losing. I played for all the wrong reasons. Sure they might be good if you already are an established player who is sure of his prowess in the art, but for me it didn't work out.
The art of losing is tough shit, the art of apologizing and self-realization likewise, but it's still something we all got to learn some day. As much as I love winning, I still love learning and Starcraft even more.
So thank you for reading ^___^ and if you ever feel like everything is impossible, remind yourself what first made you do it!
Cheers~
EDIT: spelling...
