EPTWell I do, I do it the same date every year. 21 with today.
A normal guy might just have a extra smile on his face, maybe even get offered a piece of cake.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/G9ddZ.jpg)
Thats not how my birthday's work..
Mine starts out as any other day, with me beeing abit happier than the day before. maybe even a big smile on my face. Rarely, but it happens.
Then I get to work, where I meet my dad. As we work together in our software company, he doesn't say anything yet. The feeling I had when meeting him was, I hope he makes a gesture since it's my birthday. As I allready know this is'nt going to happen, i dug those feeling a nice hole and throw them in.
Feeling better allready, I start the day by browsing TL and a local newspaper for some cool stuff to read, while I drink my morning coffee. When I saw the newspaper asking "what will YOU do the 11/11/11 At 11:11."
I thought to myself, well i'll probably be sitting here as any other day coding my android apps.
The thought that it were my birthday eventually came to mind. So i figured I had to drop a response through the facebook integration. And I did. Posted a old picture of me and said I was going to celebrate my birthday!
Which i'm not.
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I'm very sorry that this sounds so depressing but have to get it all out somewhere, were people dont know me in real life(weird I know)
The day went on, checked fb for some posts on the wall, and there was lots, also got some text's saying happy birthday. Which really helps me through this awful day.
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And again, sorry for the minor depression puke
Ah the day at the office was soon finally over. Talked to my dad about a synkronize application i'm working on, and in the middle of that conversation he drops the key words.
Oh by the way, happy birthday! Sounds great right? ofcourse I appreaciate it. But when he sais it like darth vader with lung and throat cancer.
But I'm more than satisfied. I was wished happy birthday by my dad!
the reason it's such a good feeling no matter how he sais it is because when your older than 10. You dont have any more birthdays. Atleast thats what he's been telling me for the past 11 years.
My mom on the other hand is abit easier to relate to when it comes to birthday's. She atleast gives me some clothes and sais happy birthday on my facebook wall.
Which really, is more than enough for me.
When i'm almost off work. My sister called, and asked if I would stay here, so she and her boyfriend could come over and give me my present.
The most disturbing thing about this whole day is, I said no. Why? dont ask me.
I guess I have this deep feeling saying I dont deserve it.
So I said "Eh sorry but my gf is making me this fancy dinner, maybe another time"
Another time?! who am I kidding, the next time will be in exactly 1 year..
she said okey, I'll drop it off sometime then"
immidiatly after hanging up, my mom calls.
She was asking if I'd be there when she got home.
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Btw my office is right next to mom and dad's house
As usual.. I said "No sorry my gf is making me dinner".
Again, not true.
She then told me, my gifts was in a bag right next to the door, and if the clothes didnt fit, I could change it at the store.
I said ok thank you for the present and hung up.
Immidiatly after I hung up, I felt both bad for my sister and mother for lying to them. And worse about my birthday.
This pretty much sums up every birthday i've had for the last 11 years.
not only am I feeling bad about myself, because I dont get a "Happy birthday", but I lie so I'll feel even worse.
And another fact is, I actually wanted to be with my family this one day, just drinking some coffee and relaxing. Maybe memorize abit about the past.
It seems like I want to feel bad and sorry for myself.
Disclaimer(ISH)
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I know I sound like a total douche and a brat saying all this, when there is children starving to death all over the world. But this is just my toughts and its not like i'm saying anything NEAR this amoungst people who know me. This is pretty much just buried deep beneath my skin.
If I ever said something that made you feel bad in any way, or think i'm just a little brat who can't handle real life. I'm deeply sorry. Also If some of you (which i'm 110% sure of) who doesnt understand where I'm coming from.
And actually have it 100 times worse then this everyday. I'm sorry for you, and I really which I could help. If I can in any way. Let me know. I just know, the mind really can make you feel terrible.
Depression is really a sucky thing.
If I ever said something that made you feel bad in any way, or think i'm just a little brat who can't handle real life. I'm deeply sorry. Also If some of you (which i'm 110% sure of) who doesnt understand where I'm coming from.
And actually have it 100 times worse then this everyday. I'm sorry for you, and I really which I could help. If I can in any way. Let me know. I just know, the mind really can make you feel terrible.
Depression is really a sucky thing.
ALSO:Sorry for the wall of text! Just needed to get this out of my system.
