EPT________________________________________________________________________
The human experience in the course of history has delighted in the mistreatment of vastly inferior people. These species are of a massive diversity, ranging from bugs to bull elephants, from jaguars to gypsies, and, naturally, everyone from New Jersey. One little know species inferior to humans has plagued mankind with incessant noise, public nuisance, and devilish cuteness.
![[image loading]](http://s3.amazonaws.com/picable/2007/09/12/58237_Cute-Little-Baby-Boy_400.jpg)
Meet Satan.
Children were invented in 1861 by white-devil president Abraham Lincoln, who was looking for a cheap source of labor to fuel his tyrranical war against the south. There was a shortage of physical labor at the time, because the women were busy cooking and cleaning, and 80% of the men had only 3 limbs. The rest of the population had been thrown in jail without due process or even an indictment for traitorous actions against the state. In order to make children, Lincoln used a a secret family recipe for gingerbread cookies, and added magic fairy dust to give them life.
![[image loading]](http://brainsyndicate.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/abraham-lincoln-5-17-04-2-copy.jpg)
He looks so cool, but hurts so bad.
For 18 years, the U.S. government continued to manufacture children, ironically, using child-labor to produce them. Unfortunately Lincoln, in a malicious attempt to ravage the south even further, added yeast to his recipe for children, and they grew over time. By the the children were 18 years old, they had turned, almost magically, with no painful or awkward transition, into real people. The first batch of these new people were completely ignorant of American Society in 1878. They proceeded to to ruin America with a bout of liberalism over the next 40 years, and to this day, we have not fully recovered from that generation of children.
From that day on, a secret society, formed in 1880, called the Free Masons, used a network of underground transportation they had constructed with their patriotic masonry called the Underground Railroad. The Free Masons used these railroads to smuggle new children to traditional nuclear families (a nuclear family, by the way, is a family bestowed with a genetic superiority, sometimes called the "nuclear gene"). These families taught children to fear god and respect authority. That way, when the children became actual people, they would be able to function in a Conservative, god-fearing America.
This worked well until the 1960's, when a mass number of children escaped from their families and congregated together. The purpose of this escape is unclear, though top scientists have postulated that this naughtiness stemmed from a primal need children have to become layabouts and lollygaggers and good-for-nothings. Scientists say this is part of their intellectual and biological inferiority to real humans. Luckily, with a steady diet of vegetables and phsyical and emotional abuse, most of this can be stamped out of children. Top Scientists from the World Database of Knowledge have dubbed these offensive spawns of the underworld "Hippenendus Indictus," or Hippies. Humans have had large successes reforming this piss-poor debaucheries back into people, or, failing that, confining them to tiny hovels, called "love buses," where they can live out their smelly little lives in peace.
![[image loading]](http://theworldhates.com/hippies/files/2009/10/christian-hippy.jpg)
The enemy.
Children today are little more than tiny robots through which people can live their own pathetic failed dreams. There is a danger in children, however; because people treat them like mildly intelligent pets, it's somehow become "taboo" and "fellonous" to beat the Satan out of a child. Now children are becoming uppity, always saying things like "No!" and "I'm hungry!"; without drastic reform, children may some day run the country, turning our beloved Oligarchy (or should I say, OBAMAgarchy?!?!! (I should, because it's an apt analogy in the over-arching theme of the essay)) into a system of government NOT dominated by rigged elections, or a government that elects her leaders by popular votes, instead of divining one from Blorgzor, the 17 tentacled god through Boanthropox, the ritual of Bull Semen.
In order to quash this enormous problem, there are 3 simple steps America needs to take. 1) replace every member of Congress. this will ensure that there are no children-spies trying to undermine our stranglehold on the country. 2) kill Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Keith Olberman. If we let these American Heroes live, children will resent their righteous words of truth; also, Keith Olberman is a massive dick... just saying. 3) use Christine o'Donnell's witchcraft to send Al gore, Jim Baynor, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi, and Anne Coulter all to a tiny, uninhabited island in the south pacific (or should I say, "pacivic?"). This doesn't have anything to do with children, it would just be a really entertaining reality TV show. What was I saying? Oh yeah, beat your kids, early and often. I was a child, and I was hit all the time, and look how I turned out: I've got an A+ in 3rd grade history for four years in a row!
EDIT: added pics
Abit confusing, but still a good read 
Thanks ^_^
