These last few months have been kind of eventful for me. I used to sit at home playing games like a boss every weekend, never went to parties, never went out, rarely met new people.
I am kind of introvert, get bored easily by the usual small talk and I take forever coming up with something to say because I sit there thinking about what to say. This often leaves me being pretty quiet since once I come up with what to say and have decided upon how to say it, the conversation has moved on.
I turned 18 a year ago soon, which is the legal age of drinking here in Sweden. My brother and sister (both older than me) took me out to a party. It was obvious that their only goal with that night was to get me drunk and they achieved that goal. Boy, did they ever! I found that I had an easier time talking to people, I didn’t think about everything too much anymore and just had more fun overall (with people I didn't know. I can have plenty fun with friends).
I didn’t really go out again until just a few months ago when a close childhood friend dragged me out to a bar. I had a great time and so I kept going out every weekend.
Now, to this post's real purpose - whining about girl problems. I’ve never had a girlfriend, not even one of those “girlfriends” when you’re 10 where you just hold hands and break up a day later. Back when girls were still kind of scary. Although to me, they’re still pretty scary – only a little bit more than guys. They’re more intriguing these days, though.
Four weeks ago I went out with my friend again and met a girl, Lucy. She was really good looking and I was kind of (extremely) psyched. She was getting massaged by a friend but after a while that friend had to go to the bathroom. She begged the rest of us at the table to continue the massage. I’m kind of lucky I had alcohol in my blood then because I had a hard enough time taking the spot behind her to give her the massage she wanted.
Man this feels really weird to write down. Anyway, later that night we kissed. I seriously had no fucking clue what I was supposed to do. I told her as much but she just laughed at me and continued. Best feeling ever.
We went to eat something and then I saw her to her bus home. I got her number and the following two weeks I tried to get her to come out with me again or just meet in some way or form. She was busy with work so nothing happened until three weeks later. Lucy was going out with one of her friends, Linda, again and we agreed to meet. I was psyched but had no idea what to do.
We met at the bar that I usually go to but they were going to this club later to go dancing. I agreed to come with even though dancing really isn’t what I like to do. I have to be drunk enough and even then I am fully aware of how silly it feels and looks but I just don’t care enough.
I wasn’t that drunk though and the queue that we had to stand in to get into the club made me almost completely sober when we came in. Once there, the drinks were almost twice as expensive than they were at the bar.
Anyway, I stood on the dance floor with these two girls. I felt like a fool every time I tried to start “dancing” but I probably looked the bigger fool when I just stood there with these two girls dancing in front of me. I saw a fair bunch of people (mostly guys) look at me with both jealousy and glee which made me feel even more stupid.
We went to get something more to drink. Linda had to go to the bathroom. It was obvious even to me that Linda liked me which put me in a weird spot. It got even more weird when Lucy said that Linda liked me and asked me what I thought of her. I looked at her and was just about to say something along the lines of “she’s okay but it’s you that I like” when she said that I should just kiss Linda when she got back.
Hearing that sucked. I didn’t really know what to say or do. I know I should have just said that it was her that I liked and not Linda but I froze. Linda came back and she knew something was up. After she’d inquired a bit Lucy said what had happened and suddenly I had this girl Linda kissing me.
I still don’t know why I let that happen. Even more, I don’t know why I did what I did after this night either. I, again, just saw the girls off to their bus home and got Linda’s number. I had a bunch of thoughts in my head. Things like “Lucy wouldn’t dump me on her friend if she liked me”, “I guess I have to ‘settle’ for this then” and other thoughts like that.
I talked to Linda the coming week over Facebook and text messages but never Lucy. Another mistake… I should have just asked her what she’d really meant, if she really wasn’t interested at all. I had, after all, made it quite clear that I liked her. Except, you know, when I kissed her best friend...
So this past Friday I went out again and had agreed to meet with Linda again. Lucy showed up later and seeing her made me further realize that it was her that I liked and not the girl next to me and still I said nothing, did nothing. My childhood friend seemed convinced that Lucy liked me but that I was too “inexperienced”. Yet I did nothing, said nothing. Instead, I took Linda home that night. We took the tram to her stop, the complete opposite direction of where I lived.
Her mom was home and so was mine so we didn’t do anything other than that but even that was too much, I’ve come to realize. It was cold, really cold and she kept me company until my tram back came. By company I mean that we just stood there embracing each other. It was cool but it would have been great if it would have been the girl that I actually liked. Linda is a sweet girl and I like her but it feels unfair to both me and her when it’s her best friend that I really want/like.
Got even worse when just before I went on the tram Linda said she liked me and I said it back. Might as well just get a tattoo with “D-bag” on my forehead.
Feels like I either break it up with Linda now or forever ruin my chances with Lucy. They may even be ruined all the same but perhaps I should take my chances. At the same time Linda seems a safe bet. This looks so bad! A “safe bet”.
Somehow I’ve gone from never having been even close to having a girl to meeting two girls at the same time. And it’s the “never having been close to having a girl” that makes me even hesitate to break it off with Linda, the “safe bet”.
Life was much more comfortable to live when girls were still those things that I liked to look at but never really talked to.
As I already said, this was just to vent and if you’ve read this far, that’s awesome. If you haven’t, fully understandable. This is just a huge fucking wall of text about an insecure guy who doesn’t have a clue anyway.
Well, the best advice anyone can give you is to be honest-- with yourself and with other people. The sooner you fix things the better. Even if you ruined your changes with Lucy, do you really want Linda thinking you two are getting to be something, and constantly wanting to be around you/telling you she likes you/etc?
It is a sucky situation to be in. But it is very rare for anyone to ever find someone they actually want to spend their life with without having a few of these kinds of experiences. Don't give up!
i can definitely relate to the part where you go from 0 to 2. Had the exact problem a couple of months ago. Had two girls who i were into to an extent and i just kept communicating with both of them. All 3 of us in different cities.
My friends kept bugging me and asking so which one do you like and i was like... I dunno, I don't have to make the choice right now, I'll just keep having a good time with both of them.
Sooner or later, the inevitable happened, and I just had to make a choice, it was nagging me properly. Even though i had made the choice in my mind days ago, i was still just reluctant to face the facts and man up and come clean to both of em.
So on a warm summer night after work, while fairly inebriated, i chatted both of them up on msn (separately but at the same time O_O) to have a more serious sort of a talk. Told one that I don't share the feelings she has for me. Told the second that i like her. 1. was confused but seemingly accepting the terms (I SWEAR IT WAS LIKE SHE SCROLLED THROUGH THE ToS AND JUST CLICKED OKAY >_<) 2. was even more confused and thought i was rushing things.
So I at the time felt that i had just screwed up two potentially great relationships in one night.
So the next day, 1. visited me at work and seemed more than okay with everything, and everything was cool and jolly again with 2., while both of us taking it a wee bit slower >_> Oh and then 1. stopped talking to me for 2 months :'D
So the moral of this long-winded yet semi-useless vent of mine is that - Tell both of them your point of view. 1 - Stop deceiving yourself 2 - Stop deceiving them Easiest and least painful solution in the long run (not painless löl)
In the same way you describe your post as "one more post of whiny insecure guy with no girlfriend (usually)", it also happens that the answer is quite cliche.
The usual white-knight, honorable thing to do would be to confess to both girls (separately) your feelings. Cool guys in movie usually do this, and if you happened to do it, then well, I believe that everyone around you would respect your choice, and you'd definitely be a "nice guy".
Now then, comes real life. I believe, from what I read, that you fell in some kind of love-at-first-sight with Lucy (mainly because she's pretty). And in comparison, the idea of liking Linda looks like a betrayal of some sort. Like you're cheating on Lucy. You'd like to say "no way, it's you and only you", stand strong and keep your initial position. Well, life's a bit more complicated than that...
So, my advice, for what it's worth : you probably don't stand a chance with Lucy. You like her mainly because she's pretty (you've been with her only once, right?), that prevents you from seeing that perhaps, you should look at Linda as a unique girl (and not the girl-you-want-to-hit-best-friend). Just give it a shot, like, a saturday walk, then a restaurant and a cinema in the end.
lol what if like he ACTUALLY likes Lucy? Why would he have to sort to Linda because Lucy is definitely out of her league "because thats what happens in the movies"? Can't force to settle for something/someone you don't want just for the sake of it tbh. And its not like he has to choose either of these two if it doesn't work out >_<
But in all fairness, OP, think all the counterpoints through, both answers are valid in case you think it through properly, every girl and situation is unique and individual even if common 'guidelines' apply ^___^
Neither are going to be long-term relationships at this point. Don't get attached, have some fun, move on. You've proved to both of them that you're indecisive and therefore not the man they will end up with, use the experience to learn how to be more decisive when you find a girl you want to claim in the future.
If they both fell on you that easily, they probably aren't gonna stick around for a while either. Use them as confidence boosters though now that you've gotten used to being around girls, getting more will be much much easier.
On October 17 2011 22:44 Hawk wrote: beggars can't be choosers and such, shut up and enjoy what you have
The fuck.
Are you saying he has to settle for Linda then? Even though he already kissed Lucy and there's a chance that Lucy likes him? That's a terrible attitude.
OP, just be honest otherwise you'll always regret it and you'll never know what could have been.
Think you should talk to Lucy first and tell her how you really feels, if she turns you down I guess you could either
a) continue the douchery and go out with her best friend b) show Lucy how much you really cared by turning down her bf (pseudo-breakup?) but then again, b) would screw over Linda ESP. since u already said u liked her
so choose a) if u want to continue living in a lie, if all you care about is being with girls/having sex/having fun then forget about lucy and just get yours.
choose b) if you care about your feelings enough to man up to your mistakes. b) is obviously the harder choice and you'll likely be left with neither girl, but at least you will have a free conscious. Free of burdens. if u play your cards right you might be able to sail out of this one friend
You really missed your shot bro in my opinion with Lucy, but maybe her seeing you with Linda might make her want you more. I think you either consciously or subconsciously settled for Linda because you figured Linda would hate you if she saw you hitting on Lucy. I agree with the poster above saying that she probably considered you out of her league and wanted to give you a chance with her friend. Maybe I'm wrong but that's the way I read it. I mean it can't be that bad man there are tons of women and you said you were really reclusive, so look at this girl as a learning experience.
On October 18 2011 03:58 Lucumo wrote: Hm...how about a threesome?
I actually thought that was where the story was going when Lucy asked him to kiss Linda.. Haha.
On topic: I dunno man.. Hard spot, but I'd say go with Lucy. It just won't be fair to Linda (unless its not a serious relationship... then just do whatever). Don't lead her on if your into someone else.
On October 17 2011 11:04 rift wrote: a "social recluse" with two girls who fell in your lap, I have a hard time feeling sympathetic
damn right lol. i'm like the op except that im like 10x more pathetic and i dont really play games anymore, minus the girls obviously and a childhood friends that would drag me anywhere. so all i can say dont squander your new found luck by being an immature, indecisive "d-bag" as you put it. sounds really cliche, but you dont know what you got till its gone.
Wow, this got a lot more attention than I thought it would!
All the advice has been top notch of course. This is TL after all, can it be anything other than top notch?
I had already pretty much decided to just be honest but I felt like I just needed to vent. Still, I hope I at least managed to not bore you for the duration it took you to read the whole thing.
On October 18 2011 06:40 Aldehyde wrote: Wow, this got a lot more attention than I thought it would!
All the advice has been top notch of course. This is TL after all, can it be anything other than top notch?
I had already pretty much decided to just be honest but I felt like I just needed to vent. Still, I hope I at least managed to not bore you for the duration it took you to read the whole thing.
Better update us on the situation afterwards then!
k id love to read more but i gotta go already !!! spent about 4 hours reading about DC Multiverse lolol
my first and final thought for now is:
Who cares if you like Lucy? She obviously doesn't like you. When will guys learn that just because you fancy someone and hang out with them it doesn't oblige them to fancy you back She knows you like her but is laid back and wants you to have fun so she got you pussy with her friend. Go ahead and work out how to make Lucy like you (HINT: be masculine and cool - not the whiney confused needy boy you come across in the OP) But whatever you do dont fuck up with something stupid. This is all fun and games and if you cant take the heat then dont be a party pooper and spoil everything (the girls will hate you for it)
gl, dont think about this shit its not worth it lol
On October 18 2011 17:28 FFGenerations wrote: k id love to read more but i gotta go already !!! spent about 4 hours reading about DC Multiverse lolol
my first and final thought for now is:
Who cares if you like Lucy? She obviously doesn't like you. When will guys learn that just because you fancy someone and hang out with them it doesn't oblige them to fancy you back She knows you like her but is laid back and wants you to have fun so she got you pussy with her friend. Go ahead and work out how to make Lucy like you (HINT: be masculine and cool - not the whiney confused needy boy you come across in the OP) But whatever you do dont fuck up with something stupid. This is all fun and games and if you cant take the heat then dont be a party pooper and spoil everything (the girls will hate you for it)
gl, dont think about this shit its not worth it lol
Oh wow! Even if I may seem whiney in the post I really shouldn't complain about this problem that I have. It's pretty much the best kind of problem a guy can have.
I sure am confused though but then again, this is my first experience with relationship thingy problems anyway so I'll get the hang of it soon, I hope. I am very much aware that Lucy doesn't necessarily like me just because she hangs out with me. That'd be stupid!
Overall, I don't think too seriously about this. I am not looking for a serious relationship which I will have to tell both Linda and Lucy anyhow. Most importantly this was just me venting and seeing if anyone would read this whole rant.
Sigh. Have to dump in here, you're too lucky to not do it. =D
Coming from a background in pickup, social engineering and coaching people with similar.. issues as you, here are my two cents:
You're 18, have no past experience with girls whatsoever. Dont cling to one girl. Test out what's fun for you. Stop looking for the one true love until you have some experience under your belt. Try and see the whole thing a little bit more relaxed and learn to enjoy the moment.
I'd like to point out that - since the girls were totally over you - you MUST be doing something right. No matter what it is, you're way ahead of the typical "I never had a gf virgin" (which isn't that uncommon btw)
What I would suggest to you, if you want to have fun, no hurt feelings and a good time: Make sure to establish a proper frame towards both of the girls. "Frame" meaning your view on the whole relationship thing. Right now they decide when and if action starts and they would decide whether that'd be a one night stand or a relationship.
IF YOU FUCK UP REPRESENTING A PROPER FRAME, THATS WHEN HURT FEELINGS WILL ARISE.
What I recommend to you is conveying something along the lines of: "Yeah, sure I can see myself in a relationship if the right one comes along, but I definitly won't let some fun slip out of my hands."
Judging from the way you described the girls, if you properly convey to Linda that you're available for something more "casual", she will go for it and there won't be any hurt feelings from her side any time soon. You get some experience & fun, so does she. All good. Also, YES SHE WILL GO FOR IT. How so? When she saw you hesitated she went to kiss you. A girl that's "totally in love" or "a totally unsexual being" will not do that. Period.
Also I'd like to ruin the image that relationships start with admitting that you're in love. A relationship starts with sexual desire, not more, not less. No sex, no relationship.
Women are sexual beings by nature. - It's your job as a man to lead and protect them along the way, making them feel secure enough to let it out. If you like to be a whussy that doesn't accept the fact that women enjoy sex to have an excuse for their own shyness, feel free to do so.
Personally, since I experienced similar situations myself, I'd like to add that that exact scenario you're in right now is an insanly perfect setup for a threesome.. Since I'm totally jelly since it took me a few more years than you to get to such a point feel free to shout if you want to go down that route. In that scenario with those girls it'd be rather easy to set up.
Feel free to shout more specfic questions here or via PM, you seem to be a pretty easy "case", so I'd be glad to help.
Random sidenote: I was giggling when I read the part about you being confused that she just continued when you told her that you had no clue what to do. Admitting weaknesses is incredibly sexy. Since you somehow seem to generate attraction all around you I can tell you, these girls would gladly teach you a thing or two. (;
Random edit: Erh, yeah. You kinda missed the (current) shot with Lucy. However, if you manage to get a casual thing going with Linda she will be available again. Why? Cause you "missing the shot" was her assuming that you're just TOO shy. If you manage to prove that point wrong you're back in the game.
Random edit #2: STOP CALLING YOURSELF A SOCIAL RECLUSE, YOU OBVIOUSLY ARE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT, EVEN KNOW ONE KNOWS WHAT AT THIS POINT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOURE INSULTING PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS IN THAT AREA. =P
EPT
now that you've gotten used to being around girls, getting more will be much much easier.
