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This is a blog purely out of frustration, and I have alot on my mind.
I am frustrated beyond my ability to express right now - I seem to keep making poor decisions again, and again, and again.
I've been masters on NA for 2 seasons, meaning that I can sometimes execute a build about half right, and I know what most of the units do. As of season 3, I've been laddering on korea, and although this has in itself been a rewarding experience, it's also created an entirely new can of problems for me.
Basically, I work full time at a completely brain destroying job. I press the "page down" key and turn a physical page, 8 hours a day, every day. I literally cannot even form a coherent thought after a day of 'work'. I feel angry about this because all my friends happen to be privileged enough to have their parents payroll their university, so they are all off traveling, or on vacation, or otherwise enjoying their holidays because they don't need to come up with $20,000 for another full year of school/rent/food/etc. So, I work.
I've come to realize I can't play sc2 when I'm tired. There is a absolutely drastic difference in the quality of my play between when I'm alert and when my mind feels sluggish. I've managed to work my way up to diamond league korea, which is probably equivalent to high diamond/low masters on NA, and I'm working on all the things that most terrans are probably working on - having sufficient apm to do all the things I would like to (read: need to) do. For better or for worse, terran seems to require alot of apm so you can do all the harassment while macro'ing or w/e. I like my race, its ok. Of course, the koreans are very good, and this forces me to play even better than I normally would have to...
I was meandering around on the north america server, and somebody invites me to a king of the hill for fun. Now, I'm absolutely exhausted at this point, but I figure it should be fine anyways. Long story short, I end up losing to a north american platinum zerg because I'm playing like I have some kind of incurable terminal downs. I honestly don't think I've been so upset about anything in about a year. I felt sick to my very core. Being how I love making terrible decisions, I decide to ladder on korea, and of course, lose 10 games in a row that are mostly due to being retarded and/or not pushing buttons that are useful (like any of them).
I'm not worried about my ladder rank, really. It's more or less meaningless anyways. I can always grind it back. But I can't shake this feeling that I can never seem to really find the time to actually practice this game when I'm capable of playing. I know in my head what I need to do - I need to practice my builds until I can execute them perfectly, and then do them over and over and over on ladder until I have the matchups mapped out in my head. But when I'm tired, I cant even manage to make to 20 food without fucking something up, and it really upsets me.
I don't even understand who I'm angry at, but I am anways. I'm not angry at my opponents, despite my obscene and incomprehensible bm, because they are just playing better, and that's cool. I just want to be able to be good at sc2 more than anything else right now, because, well, it's all I have to do. I feel completely isolated and I want more than anything just to be able to have a clear mind, but I cant, and it just adds to my mounting frustration.
Long story short, my wonderful girlfriend is off in france vacationing, all my friends are away or gone, and I'm stuck in calgary, the shittiest city conceivable, with nothing to do except home exhausted and depressed every day and lose at sc2, because I just can't summon the stamina to focus. Goddamn I just want sept to come so I can do my last year of school, finish my degree, and get on with my life.
 
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Don't let the bitterness of other people having it easier cloud your personality. Good luck finding time to practice but always remember school is more important for the majority of us.
I'm sorry you're caught in a shitty situation. I'm sure it will get better when your girlfriend and friends get back. Until then take a nap and come back. We'll still be here I promise!
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You could always change your schedule so that.. Say you wake up quite early in the morning, before work.
Play some SC2, go to work, then go to bed at a much earlier hour. I did this for a while when i had a really physical job and the same problem as you.
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Coffee will be your best friend man 
other than that, just keep at it, working is so much more rewarding than fancy holidays anyway
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On August 09 2011 16:13 Nikopol wrote:
You could always change your schedule so that.. Say you wake up quite early in the morning, before work.
Play some SC2, go to work, then go to bed at a much earlier hour. I did this for a while when i had a really physical job and the same problem as you.
It probably depends on how important he considers his work. He will run into the opposite problem, the latter half of work will most likely suffer in performance compared to now.
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Working sucks serious balls when its boring like that, I have worked in a few places. If you find your work rewarding rather than life sapping then chances are you will feel better at the end of the day. Perhaps its time to find a new avenue of work? If thats not possible then you might want to take a day or so out from starcraft and maybe go to a bar or treat yourself to a meal out or something along thoes lines. Forget about it for a while and hopefully you will come back refreshed!
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Blazinghand
United States25563 Posts
Hey man, sorry to hear that  I hope you feel better
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I was the guy who invited you to the KotH, the Terran player who only played 1 game (though I spectated the others). Someone in the lobby suggested you (Chhockey maybe? i'm not sure). Life can be hard, but you sound like a hard-working guy and I'm sure you'll make it through. I told the others after you left that you had a hard day and they shouldn't hold it against you (even though I didn't know you, I figured you weren't feeling too great) and they accepted that answer.
If you want to play with us, or do 1v1s or even just hang out and talk, feel free to stop by chat channel PEJ in NA server. We're mostly Diamond and Master league players, and we do KotHs pretty often. I also hang out in chat channel PEJ when I'm in the KR server, but I'm focusing on my NA account nowadays.
Hope you feel better! I kind of feel responsible for your poor experience as the game host ._.;;
Rated 5/5 to reduce tilt.
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I have the same problem, and not just with SC.
After a full day's work, I just can't focus on whatever I'm doing and I start heaping one fuckup on the other. Table tennis, driving, cooking, SC, whatever. I always catch myself making dumb mistakes I wouldn't make if I wasn't tired from work.
And off course, you start feeling frustrated and disappointed because you expect to have fun after work, and you don't.
Possible solutions :
- Get enough sleep, because physical and mental exhaustion go hand in hand. It helps.
- Sports. Physically challenging ones. Nothing improves your mood like working your body to the limit.
Bad solutions :
- Caffeine. Keeps you going, but doesn't truly improve your concentration imo.
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Are you by any chance Fission from Swifty's movie? Just asking.
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On August 09 2011 16:13 Nikopol wrote:
You could always change your schedule so that.. Say you wake up quite early in the morning, before work.
Play some SC2, go to work, then go to bed at a much earlier hour. I did this for a while when i had a really physical job and the same problem as you.
This is actually a fairly great idea. I can move my shift to the evening, like 3-11pm, which is a shitty shift, but its a shitty job, so I'm not sure I would be any more miserable. The upside is that I get mornings to go for a run and play, and I'll be tired when I get home at night and go straight to sleep.
On August 09 2011 17:21 Yurie wrote:Show nested quote +On August 09 2011 16:13 Nikopol wrote:
You could always change your schedule so that.. Say you wake up quite early in the morning, before work.
Play some SC2, go to work, then go to bed at a much earlier hour. I did this for a while when i had a really physical job and the same problem as you. It probably depends on how important he considers his work. He will run into the opposite problem, the latter half of work will most likely suffer in performance compared to now.
I can safely say that my work is not very important. It's a summer job, and I'm convinced that even a single operational brain cell would be sufficient to perform well at it. Also there's no performance benchmarking and nobody pays attention to what I do.
@Blazinghand: Not your fault, I shouldn't have bmed and ragequit. I still think I played like total shit though, it's not like I haven't seen that exact strat about 15 times before on ladder from zergs
On August 09 2011 19:54 valaki wrote:
Are you by any chance Fission from Swifty's movie? Just asking.
@valaki Fraid not, although I did play one of the top disc priest/shadowpriest on Emberstorm (hnnngggg moonguard) a while ago.
Thank you all for your kind replies. I think I'm going to try switching my work schedule up to try to free up some usable brain time in the mornings, from about 7-3pm. I only have till sept until I get to go do my 5th year at uofa and prance off joyfully into the field of rainbows that is post-undergrad life.
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Blazinghand
United States25563 Posts
Yeah I mean It seems the new Zerg response to terran tech is "make ~10 roaches" since they don't want to have to fight hellionvators and the like using speedlings and queens. It's nice because it delays the zerg tech a little, and of course every Roach he makes is a non-drone, but it is very safe from hellion harass.
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Erm, mind if I suggest playing something more casual than competitive ladder SC2? It seems like you're not going to be improving your off-work hours by tackling on more competitive gaming. Maybe what you need is a good chuckle in a flash puzzle game... no commitment and bits of fun.
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You're in Calgary? Use some of your spare time to go to a golf course! :D Just put around on a practice green or go to the driving range. Its not too expensive if you aren't playing a round.
Playing sports (softball or golf or something) actually works miracles for getting your brain to reset and refocus. Plus, you get some sun and that replenishes your vitamin D stores so you don't become depressed.
You should get more sun, and more exercise, and I swear you will feel better. If you fit a little routine like that into your day I bet you that your SC2 play will become more productive and you will improve.
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Hey man, I was in the KotH last night too, and I'm sorry that I misjudged you as a rager after that game. I hope your new work schedule works out for you. Also, as a soon-to-be-senior, egads am I apprehensive about post-undergrad life. Real world's gonna start kicking in and kicking my ass soon.
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EPT
