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Hello, I am doing a research paper about the influence of music on kids and I am a sophmore in highschool.
I do not usually have a hard time writing a good well developed essay but I can not wrap my head around the introduction. This is what I wrote but I do not feel that it is good at all.
Music affects emotions and teens use music to enhance or intensify their mood or to change mood directions. Music has become the staple for anyone who is down or when they want to become very hyped about anything. Music shapes a lot about who a lot of teens may talk to or befriend. Many kids talk to others who have the same interest in music and then they become identified by others that those kids like a certain type of music. I have to agree with this, but some teen's or kids can not distinguish that what the author said he did or is going to does not mean he is actually going to do it. In example in the song Kill You by Eminem he said “Bitch I'ma kill you! Like a murder weapon, I'ma conceal you in a closet with mildew, sheets, pillows and film you” He does not actually mean he is going to kill this person or actually do this or did, and a 13 year old may not be able to understand that when listening to this song, but these explicit lyrics also calm him down or makes him feel that someone else understands his anger or how he feels.
NOTE I HAVE NOT EDITED THE MISTAKES IN SPELLING/GRAMMAR.
Is this introduction engaging? does it make you want to read on. I have not even did a thesis sentence as I read this or maybe i did I am not even sure. ERR confused help maybe please???
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I ain't got no experience with writing anything nor do I have experience in giving my opinions on the written material of other people, but if my opinion counts, I'd say this could not be better. I myself feel that it is exactly as you've written. I can relate to it myself very well too, and I'm sure most of the people who read it will feel the same way.
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Just a tip: If you plan to hand it in it might not be very smart to put it up on the internet before, they might do a search and think you plagiarized.
As for your introduction, a small tip would be to change the first sentences to avoid the consecutive 'Music...' beginnings.
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On June 01 2011 22:06 DumEN wrote:
Just a tip: If you plan to hand it in it might not be very smart to put it up on the internet before, they might do a search and think you plagiarized.
As for your introduction, a small tip would be to change the first sentences to avoid the consecutive 'Music...' beginnings.
I have a Citations page etc and our teacher basically gave us the research, to use. I am only a Sophomore schools do not do that around here.
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Another point: The thread should be titled "writing an English paper". Use "an" when the following word starts with a vowel. You probably know this but, for some reason, a lot of people don't.
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You know, I just typed out a post fixing some errors when I realized you didn't edit for grammar =P.
Anyhow, the introduction seems that it could be a bit more concise. When I read your introduction I can see that the topic paragraphs should be:
1. Music is used by teens to intensify their emotions or change their mood.
2. Music helps shape teens social circles because of like interests.
3. Some people are not able to distinguish lyrics as metaphorical, but the lyrics let them associate with the music nonetheless.
There is a lot of fluff in between clearly identifying these topics. It is alright to use some fluff to expand the idea of your topic in the introduction, but too much makes it hard to find the topics themselves. Also, I cannot find the thesis statement in the introduction.
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On June 01 2011 22:11 Skeny wrote:
Another point: The thread should be titled "writing an English paper". Use "an" when the following word starts with a vowel. You probably know this but, for some reason, a lot of people don't.
the rule is when the word starts with a vowel sound not a vowel.
a history
an hour
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South Africa4316 Posts
On June 01 2011 22:20 turdburgler wrote:Show nested quote +On June 01 2011 22:11 Skeny wrote:
Another point: The thread should be titled "writing an English paper". Use "an" when the following word starts with a vowel. You probably know this but, for some reason, a lot of people don't. the rule is when the word starts with a vowel sound not a vowel. a history an hour
And yet we have "an historical moment." It drives me batshit crazy 
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On June 01 2011 22:19 Smoot wrote:
You know, I just typed out a post fixing some errors when I realized you didn't edit for grammar =P.
Anyhow, the introduction seems that it could be a bit more concise. When I read your introduction I can see that the topic paragraphs should be:
1. Music is used by teens to intensify their emotions or change their mood.
2. Music helps shape teens social circles because of like interests.
3. Some people are not able to distinguish lyrics as metaphorical, but the lyrics let them associate with the music nonetheless.
There is a lot of fluff in between clearly identifying these topics. It is alright to use some fluff to expand the idea of your topic in the introduction, but too much makes it hard to find the topics themselves. Also, I cannot find the thesis statement in the introduction.
Actually a ot of what you said, I would of not picked up on thank you for the grammar help. I am not sure what to put for a thesis statement to be honest.
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Thesis statement is typically the first, second, or third sentence in the introduction. Basically it is your title expanded.
Example:
Title: Music's Influence on Teens Lifes
Statement: Music has an enormous influence on teenagers without them knowing it. A few of which are.... (topic sentences... 1. Affect mood... 2. Shapes social circles....3. understanding metaphors...)
Or whatever.
Once you have the introduction down and in good order, the rest of the paper is easy. You just expand your topic sentences into topic paragraphs and summarize at the end. I tend to use my introduction paragraph as an expanded outline.
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Yes, I like that idea @Smoot. But my teacher has told us what each body paragraph will be about and 4-5 articles to choose from.
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I'm not an english major, but I did score 96% in my Grade 12 English and a 5 on my AP English exam, so I'll give you my 2c as someone who still writes quite a bit of stuff even to this day. Granted, most of the stuff I write these days are technical papers, but the organizational skills are the same.
Well, I've always been taught that the thesis is the last sentence in your introduction, because it summarizes that paragraph and segways directly into your main body. You can kind of use the approach that the introduction only exists to make the thesis statement not seem "out of place," if that makes any sense to you. Personally, after reading your introduction, I don't really have a clue what the thesis statement actually was. When someone else reads your introduction, they should be able to pick it out clear as day - that's how explicit you need to be with it.
You've discussed aspects that music affects, and talked about a specific Em song, but there's no real "idea" or "point" to the paper yet. Quite a lot of the time, you know what you want to talk about in the paper, but it's hard to write it in an academically phrased thesis. I suggest the following steps - write each one down and at the end you will have something you can turn into a true thesis.
1. What's the issue I'm trying to talk about here? Is it engaging? Does it fit the topic?
2. How does that larger issue relate to everyday life? Can it be applied to a significant demographic of people? (This question mainly asks if your issue is even worth talking about.)
3. How does the issue affect the human condition? Does it weaken us, make certain people stronger, does it give certain people peers to identify with? As Shakespeare said, the purpose of playing is to hold the mirror up to nature, so this question asks how your issue affects humans (Ex. In Shakespeare's "Hamlet", the prince's ever-growing torment by supernatural forces leads him to question his own sanity, thus inhibiting him from taking revenge on his uncle as he is instructed.) In that specific case, you might talk about Hamlet's fear, foresight, torment, and eventually a descent into madness. Generally the structure of your thesis leads you into the organization of the whole paper.
4. How can I put all of the 3 above answers together with my topic?
In your case, apply the "music and teens" parallel to maybe make some point about the acceptance that people gain because of music, thus permanently affecting their psyche or something. You don't have to make it sound so cloistered and academic, but a great teacher once told me that people should come away from reading your essays with knowledge or perspectives they never possessed before.
Maybe people don't understand the connection people have with their music, and you are helping them "get" that. Good luck!
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I think your introduction is slightly too long and verbose. You should try to pick out your main idea (or two) and really just focus on communicating them clearly in your introduction. Save the interesting information for later on once we have a good idea of what you are talking about.
Here's a quick rewrite as an example. Most of the changes are just simply my different writing style, but the point I'm trying to make is that making it shorter and more to the point helps your introduction (and thus your whole paper) maintain focus.
"For most teenagers music plays an important role, enhancing and intensifying moods and emotions. It serves as a social outlet, allowing those with similar interests to befriend each other and express themselves. However despite these important benefits, there are also downsides. The song "Kill You" by the popular artist Eminem portrays the danger of interpreting lyrics incorrectly. Consider the lyrics: “Bitch I'ma kill you! Like a murder weapon, I'ma conceal you in a closet with mildew, sheets, pillows and film you”. Though these lyrics are mostly about expressing an attitude and state of mind, a 13 year old could interpret them too literally, thus leading him to adopt poor ideologies. In this respect music is a double edged sword. It has the power to influence in both positive and negative ways."
This rewrite is only actually a couple of sentences shorter, but in my opinion it comes across as more focused, and the point of the paper is much more clear.
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On June 01 2011 23:16 Kashll wrote:
"For most teenagers music plays an important role, enhancing and intensifying moods and emotions. It serves as a social outlet, allowing those with similar interests to befriend each other and express themselves. However despite these important benefits, there are also downsides. The song "Kill You" by the popular artist Eminem portrays the danger of interpreting lyrics incorrectly. Consider the lyrics: “Bitch I'ma kill you! Like a murder weapon, I'ma conceal you in a closet with mildew, sheets, pillows and film you”. Though these lyrics are mostly about expressing an attitude and state of mind, a 13 year old could interpret them too literally, thus leading him to adopt poor ideologies. In this respect music is a double edged sword. It has the power to influence in both positive and negative ways."
Can I use some of this?
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A before consonant sounds, an before vowel sounds.
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EPT
