ha ha ha

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.



The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...



‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.



The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'



'Sure will '



the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.



'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'



'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.



The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.



'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'



The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'



The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.



'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river
to get a drink.

The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink
of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle.

He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The
crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says, ......."Dude! How much water did you
drink?!"

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies, Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit! That must be my husband!'
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'
The woman yelled back, "Yeah??? Then why were you running.... you Son of a Bitch !!"