EPTIt's something I made last year. I was supposed to be writing my English paper for the end of semester, but really didn't want to. Sometimes procrastination leads to wonderful things...
I probably could have wrote most of my essay during the time it took me to write this, but w/e. I didn't really plan anything; sorta just made shit up as I went along. The spoilers were a total pain in the dick to do, though.
Didn't bother proofreading it, so it might be a bit broken in some places. It's also probably a lot less funny than I thought it was at the time. Still, I hope at least one of you enjoys it. =D
YOUAREBATMAN.txt:
k. YOU ARE BATMAN.
THE BAT SIGNAL IS CALLING.
Do you:
Drive or walk to destination?
Drive
+ Show Spoiler +
Drive!
Do you go really fast to make it there quickly,
+ Show Spoiler +or drive more cautiously?+ Show Spoiler +
Do you go really fast to make it there quickly,
+ Show Spoiler +
Drive really fast!
Do you run the red light for time,
+ Show Spoiler +Or slow down a bit to increase your chances of getting through? + Show Spoiler +
Do you run the red light for time,
+ Show Spoiler +
Run red light!
You get into a horrible crash and EVERYONE DIES. Biggest car crash in the HISTORY of gotham. You're a terrible batman. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.
You get into a horrible crash and EVERYONE DIES. Biggest car crash in the HISTORY of gotham. You're a terrible batman. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.
You end up slowing down completely because some stupid old man decided to fall and break his leg. You get surrounded by other cars at the light, and are stuck in traffic for TWO FUCKING HOURS. When you get out, you don't even bother continuing the mission. You just give up, go home, and get drunk. Although this may seem liek a happy ending - you didn't have to do any work - it's actually a sad ending. Not only do you lose, but you just lost the game.
Drive more cautiously!
You narrowly make it through the light with high traffic. Some horns go off, but everyoen is safe.
You're almost there, but the bridge is opening!
Do you speed up and jump the bridge,
+ Show Spoiler + or park next to it, use grapple hook, and zip-line accross the river? + Show Spoiler +
You narrowly make it through the light with high traffic. Some horns go off, but everyoen is safe.
You're almost there, but the bridge is opening!
Do you speed up and jump the bridge,
+ Show Spoiler +
Jump the bridge!
Since this is real life and not some stupid hollywood movie, you very quickly realize that this is not going to work out. As the car flies, quickly going into a steeper and steeper angle, you realize that you will probably not land on your wheels. In fact, you will probably land on the roof if you keep spinning at this speed. You decide to eject. Unfortunately, since the car is now perpedicular to the ground, this sends you hurling at a building directly in front of you. You fly through the window and sustain massive injuries, and by some reverse-miracle, the room you land in belongs to an old lady. Who is being robbed. The robber quickly kills you. way to fail, batman. Way to fail.
Since this is real life and not some stupid hollywood movie, you very quickly realize that this is not going to work out. As the car flies, quickly going into a steeper and steeper angle, you realize that you will probably not land on your wheels. In fact, you will probably land on the roof if you keep spinning at this speed. You decide to eject. Unfortunately, since the car is now perpedicular to the ground, this sends you hurling at a building directly in front of you. You fly through the window and sustain massive injuries, and by some reverse-miracle, the room you land in belongs to an old lady. Who is being robbed. The robber quickly kills you. way to fail, batman. Way to fail.
Zip Line across the river!
As you’re zipping across, EVIL DEATH SHARKS start jumping at you trying to FURIOUSLY EAT YOU.
Do you curl up and go faster, trying to avoid the sharks
+ Show Spoiler +
or punch that sonofabitch in the face?+ Show Spoiler +
As you’re zipping across, EVIL DEATH SHARKS start jumping at you trying to FURIOUSLY EAT YOU.
Do you curl up and go faster, trying to avoid the sharks
+ Show Spoiler +
You successfully speed up and aovid the sharks. Unfortunately, a shark cuts your zipline and you fall into the water. You are helplessly devoured, and little children watch their hero in despair. Some random old man laughs at you.
or punch that sonofabitch in the face?+ Show Spoiler +
Punch the shark in the face!
As the shark jumps up to bite you, you punch that sonofabitch right in the nose. It goes down and belly flops into the water. You drop a clever line and make it across. You run up to the building. Police cars have it surrounded. shit‘s going down at the top floor. Do you
Take the stairs?
+ Show Spoiler + or take the elevator?
+ Show Spoiler +
As the shark jumps up to bite you, you punch that sonofabitch right in the nose. It goes down and belly flops into the water. You drop a clever line and make it across. You run up to the building. Police cars have it surrounded. shit‘s going down at the top floor. Do you
Take the stairs?
+ Show Spoiler +
Take the stairs!
It‘s a long way up, and you don‘t have too much time. Do you
run all the way up
+ Show Spoiler + or pace yourself? + Show Spoiler +
It‘s a long way up, and you don‘t have too much time. Do you
run all the way up
+ Show Spoiler +
Run all the way up!
You start running all the way up, and quickly get tired. You begin thinking how you should have probably not skipped the stairmaster last week at the gym. You get so damn tired that you actually have to take a break. A short while later, gunshots are heard, screams, and then a loud explosion. You don‘t remember anything after that. This is because you cannot remmeber things when you are dead.
You start running all the way up, and quickly get tired. You begin thinking how you should have probably not skipped the stairmaster last week at the gym. You get so damn tired that you actually have to take a break. A short while later, gunshots are heard, screams, and then a loud explosion. You don‘t remember anything after that. This is because you cannot remmeber things when you are dead.
Pace yourself!
You run up the stairs at a steady pace, being careful not to tire yourself out. Even if you make it in time, you have to still fight a battle! It‘s best to conserve energy. It doesn‘t matter. You took the stairs, you idiot. It‘s on the fucking TOP FLOOR. The bad guys could have cooked a gourmet meal before you reached them. You lose.
You run up the stairs at a steady pace, being careful not to tire yourself out. Even if you make it in time, you have to still fight a battle! It‘s best to conserve energy. It doesn‘t matter. You took the stairs, you idiot. It‘s on the fucking TOP FLOOR. The bad guys could have cooked a gourmet meal before you reached them. You lose.
+ Show Spoiler +
Take the elveator!
Screw those damn stairs. So inconvenient. So unreliable. What if the power goes out!?
You reach the top floor. Do you
Dash out of the elevator towards the enemy,
+ Show Spoiler +or cautiously walk out of the elevator, making sure there are no traps or ambushes? + Show Spoiler +
Screw those damn stairs. So inconvenient. So unreliable. What if the power goes out!?
You reach the top floor. Do you
Dash out of the elevator towards the enemy,
+ Show Spoiler +
Dash out!
You don’t have time to dilly-dally! Time to finally finish this!
Well, too bad that won’t happen. You run out and are promptly hit in the face with a bat. An iron bat. That’s sharp. Why is this bat sharp? Because it’s actually a sword. Yep, you’re pretty much dead.
You don’t have time to dilly-dally! Time to finally finish this!
Well, too bad that won’t happen. You run out and are promptly hit in the face with a bat. An iron bat. That’s sharp. Why is this bat sharp? Because it’s actually a sword. Yep, you’re pretty much dead.
Cautiously walk out!
You can never be too safe! You don‘t want to have come all this way only to fail! I mean, you PUNCHED A DAMN SHARK IN THE FACE. You are NOT going to die to some pussy trap.
And luckily, you don‘t! You hear a bad guy breathing around the corner, and you use a bat-flash to stun him. You then run up to him and throw him out the window. He falls down 18 stories and splats like a pancake. Yes, this may sound a bit comical, but it was actually extremely gruesome. The guy also had AIDS, and his blood splatted into some chick‘s mouth - who‘s jaw was dropped at the sight of something falling from the top of the building - and she‘s now very very very unhappy. Oh well, some sacrifices must be made!
You press forwards, and reach the room where everything‘s happening. You can hear the bad guy yelling at the hostages behind the door. Do you
cautiously open the door
+ Show Spoiler +or break that shit down and start to kick some ass?+ Show Spoiler +
You can never be too safe! You don‘t want to have come all this way only to fail! I mean, you PUNCHED A DAMN SHARK IN THE FACE. You are NOT going to die to some pussy trap.
And luckily, you don‘t! You hear a bad guy breathing around the corner, and you use a bat-flash to stun him. You then run up to him and throw him out the window. He falls down 18 stories and splats like a pancake. Yes, this may sound a bit comical, but it was actually extremely gruesome. The guy also had AIDS, and his blood splatted into some chick‘s mouth - who‘s jaw was dropped at the sight of something falling from the top of the building - and she‘s now very very very unhappy. Oh well, some sacrifices must be made!
You press forwards, and reach the room where everything‘s happening. You can hear the bad guy yelling at the hostages behind the door. Do you
cautiously open the door
+ Show Spoiler +
Cautiously open the door!
Remember all that stuff we said about caution? That still applies. Duh.
As you open the door slowly to assess the situation, the door creeks. The bad guys hear it, freak out, and fire a mad barrage of bullets, shotgun shells, and even rockets (how the hell did they get rockets?) at the door. When the debris, smoke, and fire clear… batman is nowhere to be found. They DID find a burnt piece of black spandex which some claim is batman‘s costume. I guess no one will ever know…
(excpet for you. Since you‘re batman. And what you know is that you died twelve times before that shootig stopped)
Remember all that stuff we said about caution? That still applies. Duh.
As you open the door slowly to assess the situation, the door creeks. The bad guys hear it, freak out, and fire a mad barrage of bullets, shotgun shells, and even rockets (how the hell did they get rockets?) at the door. When the debris, smoke, and fire clear… batman is nowhere to be found. They DID find a burnt piece of black spandex which some claim is batman‘s costume. I guess no one will ever know…
(excpet for you. Since you‘re batman. And what you know is that you died twelve times before that shootig stopped)
Break the door down!
You are now staring those bastards in the face. They‘re terrified, armed, pissed, and one is wetting himself. It smells REALLY bad. What the hell has this guy been drinking? Do you
reason with these pour souls and try to talk them out of what they‘re doing + Show Spoiler +or kick these deadbeats in the gut and get this crap over with?+ Show Spoiler +
You are now staring those bastards in the face. They‘re terrified, armed, pissed, and one is wetting himself. It smells REALLY bad. What the hell has this guy been drinking? Do you
reason with these pour souls and try to talk them out of what they‘re doing + Show Spoiler +
Talk them out of it!
You begin to reason with them. You give one of those gay long speeches. Violin music plays in the background, and some of them even shed tears as they realize what pathetic fools they are. They agree to let you take htem into custody. As you‘re handcuffing the leader, the other three guys come up behind you and get ahold of you.
By the end of the day, 12 people die, the money has been stolen, the robbers got away, the women were raped, and the cattle were slaughtered.
You begin to reason with them. You give one of those gay long speeches. Violin music plays in the background, and some of them even shed tears as they realize what pathetic fools they are. They agree to let you take htem into custody. As you‘re handcuffing the leader, the other three guys come up behind you and get ahold of you.
By the end of the day, 12 people die, the money has been stolen, the robbers got away, the women were raped, and the cattle were slaughtered.
Get shit done!
You pull out your bat-ninja-star thing and throw it at the leaders face. It slits open his neck and he falls to the ground, desperately trying to breath and keep his insides… well, inside. The others look in fear at their great leader. They turn back to batman, only to find that he‘s beating them with their own hands. When did he rip off their hands? How did they not notice it happen? They don‘t really have time to think about it. The pain and humiliation are just too much to bear. That one guy starts wetting himself again.
You‘ve saved the day! Congratz! You are one badass batman.
The final choice of the day is here. Now that the hostages have been let out -traumatized as they watched three men get savagely murdered - you are left with one last question… do you
leave the money+ Show Spoiler + or take the money?+ Show Spoiler +
You pull out your bat-ninja-star thing and throw it at the leaders face. It slits open his neck and he falls to the ground, desperately trying to breath and keep his insides… well, inside. The others look in fear at their great leader. They turn back to batman, only to find that he‘s beating them with their own hands. When did he rip off their hands? How did they not notice it happen? They don‘t really have time to think about it. The pain and humiliation are just too much to bear. That one guy starts wetting himself again.
You‘ve saved the day! Congratz! You are one badass batman.
The final choice of the day is here. Now that the hostages have been let out -traumatized as they watched three men get savagely murdered - you are left with one last question… do you
leave the money+ Show Spoiler +
Leave the money!
You‘re the goddamn batman. You don‘t steal money! You save people! You‘re the GOOD guy! You leave and are seen as a hero.
Six months later, being a great guy has taken it‘s toll. You go bankrupt. Being batman is pretty expensive. You think the bat mobile runs on regular fuel?
You turn to a life of crime and are eventually stopped by a different super hero. As you sit there, frozen in a web, the last minutes of you‘re life, you think back to the day where you decided to leave the money. You wish you took that money so you could continue to be the great hero you once were. SpiderMan injects his venom into you, and as you pass out, you try not to think about how he will devour your lifeless body.
You‘re the goddamn batman. You don‘t steal money! You save people! You‘re the GOOD guy! You leave and are seen as a hero.
Six months later, being a great guy has taken it‘s toll. You go bankrupt. Being batman is pretty expensive. You think the bat mobile runs on regular fuel?
You turn to a life of crime and are eventually stopped by a different super hero. As you sit there, frozen in a web, the last minutes of you‘re life, you think back to the day where you decided to leave the money. You wish you took that money so you could continue to be the great hero you once were. SpiderMan injects his venom into you, and as you pass out, you try not to think about how he will devour your lifeless body.
Take the money!
You take the money. Nobody even realizes. Nobody thinks about the money at all. They‘re just glad that such a terrible crisis was averted and that all those people were saved. You are able to continue your wonderful journey as batman until you retire one day in cuba. Why cuba? The real question is, why not?
You take the money. Nobody even realizes. Nobody thinks about the money at all. They‘re just glad that such a terrible crisis was averted and that all those people were saved. You are able to continue your wonderful journey as batman until you retire one day in cuba. Why cuba? The real question is, why not?
Walk
+ Show Spoiler +
Walk!
You get out and feel the fresh air on your face. Nothing else, though. Just your face. You’re wearing the bat costume, remember?
Do you sprint+ Show Spoiler +Or Jog?+ Show Spoiler +
You get out and feel the fresh air on your face. Nothing else, though. Just your face. You’re wearing the bat costume, remember?
Do you sprint+ Show Spoiler +
Sprint!
You spring for 6 blocks. That’s freaking badass. Six blocks of sprinting? Only batman! However, even batman has limits. You throw up, get sick, and ask some dude nearby for his water before you ‘vomit your stomach out,’ as you put it. You don’t notice it’s some random stoner who’s high as a kite, and after drinking the water, you are too. It’s the greatest night ever. Pretty colours, talking birds, and… 12 dead people because batman didn’t save them.
You spring for 6 blocks. That’s freaking badass. Six blocks of sprinting? Only batman! However, even batman has limits. You throw up, get sick, and ask some dude nearby for his water before you ‘vomit your stomach out,’ as you put it. You don’t notice it’s some random stoner who’s high as a kite, and after drinking the water, you are too. It’s the greatest night ever. Pretty colours, talking birds, and… 12 dead people because batman didn’t save them.
Jog!
You jog the full way. You don’t get tired and when you arrive at the scene, you’re READY FOR ACTION. Unfortuately, so are the paramedics. You’re way too late. Seroiusly? Jogging through Gotham? What the hell were you thinking, retard?
You jog the full way. You don’t get tired and when you arrive at the scene, you’re READY FOR ACTION. Unfortuately, so are the paramedics. You’re way too late. Seroiusly? Jogging through Gotham? What the hell were you thinking, retard?
