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Maybe, I am just gonna do, what I can't force myself to not do.
Hi TL...this is a thought, I'd rather write down and share with
strangers I grew accustom to (You), instead of talking to my friends
or relatives - as I only can start to grasp it slowly, and as it
questions a lot of my previous actions in life.
I am not happy and even worse, not completly unhappy.
Now excuse me for this weird introduction, and if I did not scare
you away by now with my Stephenie Meyer-like writing skills,
I will try to stop brabbling and structure it so you can
participate and maybe help to water this seed of thought.
So who am I:
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/ePcjj.jpg)
I am not exactly a punk, as I am to hip to be part of any subculture,
or just not social enough. However, I do believe that capitalism is
the biggest scam since christanity during the dark ages.
I like to say:"I am going to church" instead of going to the bank,
in honor of 1984's ministry of love.
A few years ago I discovered the Venus Project via the Zeitgeistfilms
and even though I do not want to discuss any of both much deeper here,
people who are already familier with them can probably imagine how
they acted like oil to the small fire burning inside me.
What was a volatile, ungraspable feeling way back in my head,
became something very real, something very specific. Beforehand I could
just shake my head at an seemingly unquestionable definition of "normal",
now I can point with my fingers.
Things got worse as my eyes saw things more clearly - how wasteful and
meaningless most of the jobs out there are. How someone who naggs people
and sells useless stuff to helpless and senile over phone is treated
as a more respectable part of the society than someone who refuses to
enqueue.
How I refuse to sell myself:
Part 1 - Teaching:
I am actually skilled. As some of you by now assume correctly
I am autodidact, never the less I can play the guitar, write, read and
hear music on a professional level. I have 3 Students I teach irregulary.
I do this without a fee, as I believe, the more someone else is able to
do, the more he can do, and therefore give back.
Holding back knowledge is the most contraproductive thing we can do in a
world where we depend on each other.
I also studied math, even though I came to realize that I do not
fit in the structure of a modernday study. My knowledge on this field I do
also share, by giving private lessons and helping the younglings in my
circle of friends to understand theire homework, again without a fee.
Finally I do share all I know about SC2 or Skateboarding with
anyone interrested, but so do most players and skaters - maybe thats why
I love to be part of these groups.
Part 2 - What I could contribute:
I consider myself cursed with a critical thinking mind. I am smart
enough to choose not to be part of mensa, as I know that people's potential
can't be judged. I could imagine to help mankind by doing research on
various fields, but since in the current system all research is directly
linked to or hindered by monetary profit, I distance myself from this option.
Part 3 - Things I love:
Music. Skateboarding. Programming. Drawing. Storytelling. Acting. Games.
Eventhough I excel at some of them to a point where I could make a living out of
them, I refuse to. I refuse to let money poison my soul, and as these things are
connected directly with her...
I also refuse to drop a curtsy and fail to see the point of authority.
Right now I am working in a supermarket, doing mindless, braincorroding work.
Ready to spit in any costumers face who dares to patronize me,
ready to attack my boss for the same reason. Maybe I should mention that I
usually get fired from these terrific workplaces or simply quit when I am
about to lose controll overmyself?
The reason for this Blog?:
By now you probably ask yourself exactly this, as I appear to be just another
emo with an enormous e-penis, who does not fit in a profound sick society.
I am about to give in, about to get soft. I want to be happy. The last
two years I spent living on less than 50 Euros a month after paying my rent,
and I wanna have access, access to musical instruments, to books, to cloth
that does not fall of my skin, to "good" food, to heating.
But,
I feel as if I will dissapoint a lot of people, as somehow my whole
circle of friends looks up to me. I skate better, my guitarfingers are faster,
I know math and I pick up new things without effort, yet I refuse to make a
fortune and feel as if I have to be their role model of how to not give in
against this sick system. I get most my selfesteem out of my attitude.
And,
I am not naive enough to believe that I won't actually have
to sell myself at some point.
furthermore,
I am not convinced that this will bring more
happiness to my live, where on the otherhand I really want to express my artistic
side. I am sick of the unstable lifesupport my current lifestyle offers,
And,
I believe I could support the venus project by donations with a
lot of money. I also could offer nice jobs to my friends if I some day end up in
a position with power.
Maybe I am really able to just laugh at the stupid system, take advantage of it and
stare long enough in the abyss without becoming the abyss and stay somehow true to
my nature.
Hm, sooo? Whatcha think'n?
There are two demons fighting in me wright now.
I won't perceive any comments as judgements, but as your true and honest opinions,
because thats what I am hoping for.
sincerly, HaRuHi
+ Show Spoiler +I do not have a picture of myself on the harddrive, nor do I have access to a photocamera or scanner atm, but I asure you I look just as douchy as the guy on the picture (different hair though) and am often mistaken for him. It was not my aim to foul you, I wanted to help your imagination to be able to connect more easy to me as a person. Sorry if you feel tricked.
 
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How old are you? These feelings are things that I and some people I know went through between the ages of 15-18. You kind of just figure it out for yourself as you grow older.
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you look like justin timberlake
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How old are you?
I just turned 21.
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Seems like you're very moral, but also somewhat materialistic. Do you think you can reconcile those two aspects?
I don't know about you, but I don't see people as having "natures". They have influences, but that's it.
That being said, I (and others) tend to feel better mentally when we feel we have followed our "nature". Whether this is to be embraced or ignored entirely remains to be seen.
I'm probably talking in circles. What do you think?
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I don't get how you can hate capitalism and claim to be able to make money from your skills (and actually give out free lessons) and choose to work in a supermarket.
I know you say you're self taught, but did you ever go to university? When did you finish education?
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Seems like you're very moral, but also somewhat materialistic. Do you think you can reconcile those two aspects?
I am hungry and sad about all the things I give up because of my stubbornness, but I do not see myself materialistic.
Before I got "old", I never thought I could reconcile these. Right now I think about trying it.
I'm probably talking in circles. What do you think?
I think you summed up what's running through my head. 
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I think I'm somewhat in the same spot you are (mentally, at least: conflicted between the tangible and the artistic).
The way I'm going right now is just to test everything, see how it works, and go from there. You might not be in a position to do this, though (meaning that you have to commit fully). Not sure.
You might disagree with this, but I don't think you should be hesitant about acting for fear of straining a social relationship. Relationships should complement your lifestyle, not constrain it.
Again, hope this helps. Not sure.
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it sounds like you need to get rid of these bullshit ideas in your head about how righteous you are for not accepting or spending money.
if you want to teach people math, or to play the guitar, and they're willing to pay you for it, why not? how you spend that money is up to you and your conscience.
you want to do research but complain that the "current system all research is directly linked to or hindered by monetary profit." this is more bullshit. yes, you need to write proposals and yes, someone with money has to have funded that area, and yes, other people need to think your proposed research is good. so what? you talk as if the whole activity has the rotten taint of money and therefore isn't worth pursuing at all. it's not pure bliss, but nothing is.
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Go into society, make your money, and see what you can do to change the world. There is nothing wrong with supporting yourself with a decent income. Besides the fact you don't "participate" in capitalism makes you seem ignorant to it. Maybe there are somethings about capitalism that you missed. The Venus Project sounds good, but I feel like you are too young to come to any major decision that Capitalism being wrong or whatever. Give it a chance, then decide how you want to change it and how you can do that while keeping your self living comfortably.
And I'm not talking down to you about age. I'm only 19, but I know I'm nowhere near experienced enough in life to be able to come to any conclusion that the world isn't doing it right.
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I know you say you're self taught, but did you ever go to university?
Yes, I did for one year.
When did you finish education?
I finished school with 18 if this was your question?
I don't get how you can hate capitalism and claim to be able to make money from your skills (and actually give out free lessons) and choose to work in a supermarket.
Well, "choose" is not the appropriate word I think, I just don't feel like dying or begging, even though I do sympathize with people who do.
Thanks for your thought, intresesting how you can't understand my motives. I am not sure I understand yours either.
In your opinion, assumed I am who I claim to be, what would you do, how would you live in this system with these skills?
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Sell yourself and use the money to help others. If you truly believe that people's potentials can't be judged, you should try to help bring others to their potential. To do that, you need money. So sell yourself, then use the money to help the world.
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btw the venus project is completely and utterly ridiculous. please go read a book on natural resource economics, some history of governments (the fall of rome), some history on the use of coinage and money, etc etc.
your choices: (a) fuck around at the grocery store and keep up this charade of being "reflective" and "outside the system" while in fact remaining pretty useless and not using any of your potential, or (b) man up and deal with the world as it is, not as you would like it to be.
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On March 30 2011 10:15 HaRuHi wrote:Yes, I did for one year. I finished school with 18 if this was your question? Show nested quote +I don't get how you can hate capitalism and claim to be able to make money from your skills (and actually give out free lessons) and choose to work in a supermarket. Well, "choose" is not the appropriate word I think, I just don't feel like dying or begging, even though I do sympathize with people who do. Thanks for your thought, intresesting how you can't understand my motives. I am not sure I understand yours either. In your opinion, assumed I am who I claim to be, what would you do, how would you live in this system with these skills?
Yeah that is what I was wondering, thanks.
Ok, tell me if I'm wrong here:
You have the potential to make a living out of your skills and you have a job at a supermarket.
I can't fathom this at all.
You are helping what I assume to be a big company by working for the supermarket. They are the very essence of capitalism, something which you dislike, as they have one purpose, to make profit. By giving your time to work there, you are a part of that system. Why are you not taking your students' money? What is wrong with money? You take money from the company you are working for yet you don't take money that people are willing to give you in exchange for your teaching. Which transaction of money feels worse to you?
You can't choose to be just a little bit part of the capitalist system. Almost the entire world operates under that system. Why do you choose to avoid exchanging money with people in some cases and not others? You can't avoid capitalism and you can't destroy it, so why not embrace it. And within the confines of the system, direct your time and resources and money toward whatever cause you wish.
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Again, hope this helps. Not sure.
Iparshuyhe, it does. Thanks for your honest opinion.
if you want to teach people math, or to play the guitar, and they're willing to pay you for it, why not?
Because I do think that all education should be free. Having problems to access certain education, books, instruments myself I can't bring myself to put a money constrain to my teaching. As I do not want to teach for monetary profit, I want to help people learn.
palanq, I do agree that I can be quite full of myself(righteous) - but you saying this is bullshit did not convince me that the world isn't as bad as it seems to me.
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And I'm not talking down to you about age. I'm only 19, but I know I'm nowhere near experienced enough in life to be able to come to any conclusion that the world isn't doing it right.
I did not feel as if you were talking down, I did promise not to judge, but how could you not come to this conclusion - are one billion people suffering from hunger not enough? Is war not enough? Even the pure exsistence of a concept like countries, prostitution?
I am really sorry, feel free to ignore this answer as it is unfair, I am just shocked and a little curious how you can ignore the terrible state the world is in right now?
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You can't fix the world so you have to figure out something else.
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This is proving rather stimulating and beneficial for me, too. (side note: I'm younger than you, so don't take word choice as any sign of intelligence)
I think the brick wall you're up against is that you'll have to define (hard as that is) or at least outline your artistic side just in order to be able to weigh decisions, else you'll just be stuck. I don't like forcing this into materialism both ways, but I'm not experienced enough to be able to say how the world works.
I think what it comes down to is your attachments to your beliefs (referring to contempt for capitalism): do you feel they are sound and worth following? And do you logically reach the same conclusion to which your feelings point you? (sorry to get soppy here)
Regarding capitalism, (as far as I know, correct me if I'm wrong) it may have a history of screwing people over, but it does it a little less than communism.
Last point to consider (for tonight, from me): are you content as you are? If yes, no change necessary. If no, define where you want to go, find a way there, and do it. May not work perfectly, but that's all I've got. Good luck.
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EPT
