This was literally the longest I had ever waited at the doctor’s office, the dentist, or even the department of motor vehicles. It was right around forty minutes. What the hell was going on? I am generally a veyr patient person. Good thing I had brought in a book to read.
+ Show Spoiler +
Actually I knew exactly what was going on because my doctor was in the room next door that is definitely not soundproof. He was just talking to this kid the entire time I was waiting it out in my vulnerable state of clotheslessness. From what I could gather it was actually a meaningful discussion about some problems the kid was having so I just gave them the benefit of the doubt that he needed a good talk more than I needed a timely exam.
ANYWAY, thanks to the wonderful wall literature, I couldn’t keep my mind from dancing around with the definition and implications of a life that only goes in one direction. Well, lives do go in one direction I guess, but what bothered me is reading the words "linear life" on the wall in a doctor’s office. Those are the words I used in my mind already. Chances are that my definition of a linear life is just different than that on the wall, or at least how it is viewed.
To me, a linear life means there are necessary steps one takes in order to progress. This is very logical and often times are certainly necessary to achieve one’s goals, but it still scares the shit out of me. I graduated high school and went to college the very next semester. I decided I wanted to get into secondary education so I had to take all those classes and student teach and I ended up staying for the fabulous five year program. I graduated and didn’t really plan ahead for my immediate future, which resulted for me bumming around for a few months, getting a shitty job I grew to loathe, quitting that shitty job, and then enrolling in graduate school. I need my master’s degree within five years so I figured I might as well go now.
Let me backtrack a little though. I got my undergrad degree and didn’t make any immediate plans for what I wanted to do after. I didn’t put much thought into it at the time but now I can attribute it to me feeling uncomfortable with a set path in life. Once I "decided" on being a teacher, my future was generally set. I needed a masters degree and then I would apply for jobs, substitute teach, and take what I could get and move forward with my life. Of course it doesn’t have to be exactly this way but it’s the most common way to do it at least where I’m from. That scares me. The idea of my life being planned out so far in advance really bothers me. I envy people who don’t really know what they will do next and just do what they like to do. This was probably not the best way to word that but I will try to give you an example of what I’m talking about.
The folk (punk) singer Tim Barry + Show Spoiler +
works as a set builder, material pick up-er for a ballet company. He doesn’t mind the job partly because it helps fund his musical endeavors. He tours as much as he can across the country playing shows at all sorts of venues. I like the idea of traveling to new places and never knowing where you might head off to next. When he has a few days off of work and touring he just hops on freight trains and rides them wherever they are going. He just does accompanied with only some booze, weed, a pen, and a notebook to write songs in. The grass may always be greener on the other side, but this kind of life doesn’t sound too bad to me. But I don't need the booze or the weed for an interesting adventure.
I don’t want to give the false impression that I hate what I’m doing because I don’t. I learned so much from student teaching and had a positive experience. The thing is that I don’t know if that’s what I want to do. How can anyone really know what they want to do until they are actually doing it? Or if I do teach maybe I won’t want to for very long. I think I’m afraid of commitment and routines. Right now it is 6:04am and I’m not tired at all. I just don’t hold a regular sleep schedule, but it doesn’t bother me at all.
I still believe that life is what you make of it and I can really do most things that I really want to if I put forth the effort. But I can’t help but be bothered by the fact that I feel there is a path I’m going to follow and it will bore me. I don’t really believe in destiny and I think people have free will, but I just can’t seem to break out of this mindset that I’m being cramped into a smaller bubble of life than I want to be.
My purpose for writing this is to just get my ideas out of my head as a sort of therapy and I figured I could make a blog out of it to see if anyone understands my situation.