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Everyone 'knows' that guy. The one who's always around, but isn't really there. That guy's me.
I am 20 years old, a student at the technical university of Vienna, ugly and stupid. Not particularly funny too.
So yeah...it seems to me, as if I don't even exist for most people. Everyone's acting all nice with me on the outside, but the body language is betraying them. They don't want to get near me - "accidental" barriers are built so there's something between me and the person sitting next to me. I say "accidental" because I asked a girl why she did that, and her face went red in shame. She then proceeded to tell me that she did it subconsciously. I don't know how that was supposed to calm me, but whatever.
I stated above that I am stupid. That is the truth. But for some reason, other students want my help in subjects like math. I do think of myself as a nice person. When someone asks for my help, I help them. But I'm losing faith in doing that. I don't get anything in return.
A few months ago, I floated the idea of watching a movie together with the students I hang around most of the time. They agreed, which made me happy. A week later, most of them had gone see the movie. Without me, of course.
Another movie example(stupid I know, but brings the point across I think): I went and watched "Machete". Something I told everyone. I made a Facebook-status-update about it. Nobody cared. A week later a friend of mine - we study together - watched it too. The rest of the group was all over it.
Those aren't isolated events. Stuff like that happens all the time. The only thing people recall about me, is that I helped them with math. So, I'm getting depressed on some days, when I think about it. Then I think about if being nice is worth it. I could act like a complete asshole and I don't think that would change much. I might lose the shallow conversations I'm having. Whatever.
Now, the part that gets to me the most is that I've met maybe 4 persons(family excluded) in my whole life that were honest to me. Everyone else acts.
And it's not even good acting. I can read body language. I can recall conversations that are months old and check the informations that were given to me in the past against the ones right now. With that, even I can catch 99% of all lies thrown at me. It's not rocket science.
Is there anything I can do to change that, or should I just live it down, like I've been doing for the past 10 years?
-ChrisXIV
PS: I won't kill myself, don't worry.
 
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You call yourself stupid, yet you can help people with math and read people's body language?
Stop putting yourself down and start being arrogant.
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Well, have you ever asked yourself why people don't want to socialise with you? You said you were "ugly and stupid", but that's hardly a good analysis. Think of someone you know who's really good at talking with people and compare his behaviour/looks etc. to yours. When you've discovered the differences between said person and you, you can go ahead and start improving.
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On January 31 2011 00:16 kane]deth[ wrote:
You call yourself stupid, yet you can help people with math and read people's body language?
Stop putting yourself down and start being arrogant.
Yes, I can help people with math. It's not a matter of intelligence, really. You would be surprised, but even at a technical university people have problems understanding the difference between "+" and "-". An equation like "(-1) - (-2) = ?" is child's play.
Body language also doesn't depend on intelligence. A few factors that can easily be separated into yes/no states.
I do not think that I have the self esteem to act arrogant. -_-
Edit:
On January 31 2011 00:18 d1v wrote:
Well, have you ever asked yourself why people don't want to socialise with you? You said you were "ugly and stupid", but that's hardly a good analysis. Think of someone you know who's really good at talking with people and compare his behaviour/looks etc. to yours. When you've discovered the differences between said person and you, you can go ahead and start improving.
That friend of mine I mentioned above? I am sometimes mistaken for him and vice versa. But he still is way better at socialising.
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sup bro
what are you studying?
I'm similar I guess but you just have to find the right people. Ditch those who are fake and phony and try to find people who care. It's doable.
I have a very small friend core who are listening and shit, all the others are like what you described. Fuck them.
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Also yeah its ridiculous how bad fellow students are.
We had people in Math 3 not being able to draw x².
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Russian Federation42 Posts
You would be surprised, but even at a technical university people have problems understanding the difference between "+" and "-".
We had people in Math 3 not being able to draw x².
wtf.. (
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People gravitate towards those who have a lively personality. Personally, I'm kinda invisible myself but I don't really blame anyone. I'm just not a lively, vibrant, person.There's a guy I work with, we're the same age born just 10 days apart but everyone loves working with him and hates working with me. I accept it for what it is. He's talkative, humourous, actually enjoys helping people and smiles often. I'm none of that.
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On January 31 2011 00:25 fanta[Rn] wrote:
sup bro
what are you studying?
I'm similar I guess but you just have to find the right people. Ditch those who are fake and phony and try to find people who care. It's doable.
I have a very small friend core who are listening and shit, all the others are like what you described. Fuck them.
Media informatics, first semester. I should be learning right now...
You make it sound so easy. I might just do that next semester.
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Yeah then we're doing the same, I'm just a bit ahead.
Sucks that they're gonna change media informatics this winter. Were you gonna go for CG?
And no, it's not really easy. I had the fortune to have started studies together with 3 ex school mates so our relationships were already established. But prior to media informatics I did half a year of physics and the group I was hanging with was exactly like what you described.
If you're not outgoing and a good story teller, those groups are terrible to be in. You'll always feel bad about yourself. Much better to be in a group with people you know are genuinely caring.
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Are you a man or a kindergarten girl? Stop acting like you were the victim of the whole world's evil plot, get some confidence and you'll be suprised how many of your problems will be solved.
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i believe your core problem is that you think you have to behave in some special way to be liked. for example you probably think girls couldn't like you just for who you are...
the thing is... you are acting yourself. if you keep your eyes open, you might find that you become more by trying less. you are trying to be something. a.k.a. acting. if you stop it and start to be authentic, people will be more authentic towards you too.
tbh, it's a problem that everyone has.
keep your eyes open... life isn't as shallow as TV tells us... people aren't as shallow... they are just insecure like you. they can't be as authentic as they really would want inside. me included.
on some days you can feel your own shallowness fall away... you just stop trying every now and then. i'm sure it happened to you but you haven't recognized yet. one day you might see it... and then you know in which direction you have to take your life.
or just do what zbir tells you. get confidence  . it sums up what i've been trying to say.
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On January 31 2011 00:45 fanta[Rn] wrote:
Yeah then we're doing the same, I'm just a bit ahead.
Sucks that they're gonna change media informatics this winter. Were you gonna go for CG?
And no, it's not really easy. I had the fortune to have started studies together with 3 ex school mates so our relationships were already established. But prior to media informatics I did half a year of physics and the group I was hanging with was exactly like what you described.
If you're not outgoing and a good story teller, those groups are terrible to be in. You'll always feel bad about yourself. Much better to be in a group with people you know are genuinely caring.
I was thinking about taking the "design" path. Maybe change to software and information engineering.
On January 31 2011 01:02 beg wrote:i believe your core problem is that you think you have to behave in some special way to be liked. for example you probably think girls couldn't like you just for who you are... the thing is... you are acting yourself. if you keep your eyes open, you might find that you become more by trying less. you are trying to be something. a.k.a. acting. if you stop it and start to be authentic, people will be more authentic towards you too. tbh, it's a problem that everyone has. keep your eyes open... life isn't as shallow as TV tells us... people aren't as shallow... they are just insecure like you. they can't be as authentic as they really would want inside. me included. on some days you can feel your own shallowness fall away... you just stop trying every now and then. i'm sure it happened to you but you haven't recognized yet. one day you might see it... and then you know in which direction you have to take your life. or just do what zbir tells you. get confidence . it sums up what i've been trying to say.
Not exactly "liked". "Noticed" will do. I actually think that no girl will ever like me for any reason, but that's for another blog about me being the victim of the whole world's evil plot.
I stopped acting three years ago. I mean, I don't blurt out whatever is on my mind to the public, but I am as honest as I can without causing a huge drama.
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Everyone can read body language, even when they're not mentally aware of it. In the same way you feel people are "fake" others will probably look at you and see that you have 0 confidence. No matter how you look at it, hanging out will people that are down all the time is simply uninteresting.
The world is full of fake people, in my high school I'd estimate 95% of people were pretending to be someone they're not. You either have to fake being a charismatic person or find friends who are like you.
Simply being a nice though uninteresting personality only works in movies, so don't be surprised when the guy you perceive to be an asshole gets the girl. Being a liked person takes effort when it doesn't come natural to you, so you'll have to actually make a conscious effort to NOT act like you'd normally do.
For instance, when someone ask you to help him/ her with their math. Don't give them a bland look and say "k". Show some attitude, think about it for a couple of seconds to show your time is actually worth something. Joke around, ask what's in it for you (girl) or demand him to bring some snacks or w/e. You can even pretend you're kinda busy and say you'll get back to them. Anything that shows you're not freeware.
If you believe your time and effort is worth something they'll believe it. Work on walking more confidently, not a pathetic "I hope no-one sees me" walk, because body language is pretty much everything. Try and get a more positive attitude even though you don't completely believe it yet yourself.
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On January 31 2011 01:31 Saechiis wrote:
Simply being a nice though uninteresting personality only works in movies, so don't be surprised when the guy you perceive to be an asshole gets the girl. Being a liked person takes effort when it doesn't come natural to you, so you'll have to actually make a conscious effort to NOT act like you'd normally do.
so you should try to NOT be yourself? Ehhh :/
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The world is full of fake people, in my high school I'd estimate 95% of people were pretending to be someone they're not. You either have to fake being a charismatic person or find friends who are like you.
That's a pretty bold statement. I'm not going to put words in your mouth because I believe you are street-savvy to know what I'm talking about in the following paragraphs, but some people honestly don't so the next paragraphs are for them:
I hear all these people throwing out "oh everybody is fake" as if they are the last person who is "real." Don't get all arrogant and act like you are the last "real" person because chances are, you are just as "fake" or even more "fake" than the rest of them.
Hell, what does being "fake" really mean? Acting like someone you aren't? Who are you then? If what you do doesn't define who you are, then what defines you? All these "real" kids start labeling other kids "fake" just because they feel like they know who the other kid "really" is. It's completely arrogant and it is completely childish. Don't go around calling others "fake" because you really don't know.
Don't throw say you are "real" just because you are all counter-culture or do things that others don't do. Someone who follows the crowd is just as fake as someone who deliberately does things that seemingly go against the crowd. If you want to get to the core of the social problems, don't bother with this "fake" or "real" nonsense that just scratches the surface. You must go deeper.
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This is not your problem dude. Be exactly how you want to be, walk how you want to walk, and if someone gets you, then they'll get you.
I met hundreds of kids at university, and only three or four actually listened to what other people had to say, had genuine thoughts of their own, and they were always the funniest and the best to be around. There are millions of people like you and me and my friends and the tricky thing is sifting through all the brainless dullards to find them. The problem is we're not inherently social: because we're (rightly) not confident enough to think we're that important that everyone should want to flock to us.
Once you make some friends like that you forget about everyone else. So just hang tight. You can try and get close to similar people (i.e. through joining clubs etc) but all of my good friendships have happened naturally, through classes and some good old fashioned chance.
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Fuck them. It's as simple as that. I've had a similar experience. There were people who I thought were my friends. After we came back from break, they all started to ignore me, or only respond minimally. I decided that if they were going to be assholes, I would stop trying. I made it perfectly clear how arrogant I was, so that wasn't the problem. I've realized that people are fundamentally lonely. Moreover, I don't need idiots as my friends. It took them ignoring me to know understand how stupid they were. You just need one really good friend to depend on and that person doesn't even need to be near you, with the advent of the internet and all.
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On January 31 2011 01:50 vindKtiv wrote:Show nested quote +The world is full of fake people, in my high school I'd estimate 95% of people were pretending to be someone they're not. You either have to fake being a charismatic person or find friends who are like you.
That's a pretty bold statement. I'm not going to put words in your mouth because I believe you are street-savvy to know what I'm talking about in the following paragraphs, but some people honestly don't so the next paragraphs are for them: I hear all these people throwing out "oh everybody is fake" as if they are the last person who is "real." Don't get all arrogant and act like you are the last "real" person because chances are, you are just as "fake" or even more "fake" than the rest of them. Hell, what does being "fake" really mean? Acting like someone you aren't? Who are you then? If what you do doesn't define who you are, then what defines you? All these "real" kids start labeling other kids "fake" just because they feel like they know who the other kid "really" is. It's completely arrogant and it is completely childish. Don't go around calling others "fake" because you really don't know. Don't throw say you are "real" just because you are all counter-culture or do things that others don't do. Someone who follows the crowd is just as fake as someone who deliberately does things that seemingly go against the crowd. If you want to get to the core of the social problems, don't bother with this "fake" or "real" nonsense that just scratches the surface. You must go deeper.
No need to blow up on him. We get the gist of what fake means: a lack of self-understanding, incuriousness, obsession with status.
Of course a self-analytical person will know that we are all a little guilty of this, but there's a scale.
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On January 31 2011 01:37 tenacity wrote:Show nested quote +On January 31 2011 01:31 Saechiis wrote:
Simply being a nice though uninteresting personality only works in movies, so don't be surprised when the guy you perceive to be an asshole gets the girl. Being a liked person takes effort when it doesn't come natural to you, so you'll have to actually make a conscious effort to NOT act like you'd normally do.
so you should try to NOT be yourself? Ehhh :/
Way to take things out of context.
I told him to either make a conscious effort to be the kind of guy that most people like to be around, or to find friends that are just like him. In the first case it would require him to step out of his comfort zone and behave different, yes. Behaving different doesn't mean NOT being yourself. Being secure or insecure is a state of mind, not a personality trade.
OP's problem seems to be a serious lack of self-esteem and it's only going to improve if he starts believing he has influence on his situation rather than convincing himself that everyone is just an asshole for no reason.
Edit: for the record, I found friends who were just like me: nerdy, quirky and not so involved in acquiring social status. OP though, gave me the impression that he'd like to be more of a man of the public and he shouldn't believe he isn't because he's just unlucky.
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EPT
