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Poem about boredom

Blogs > Artemis
Post a Reply
Artemis
Profile Blog Joined February 2010
United States129 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-11-11 20:10:12
November 11 2010 16:39 GMT
#1
I wrote another poem today. Please tell me what you guys think! No plagiarism or trolling please. Thanks again!

Boredom
Boredom saturates my soul,
like murky waters of disdain.
I beat a sheet of white-washed parchment,
with the blunt end of my pen,
like the monotonous ticking of a grandfather clock.
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Time is dripping like a leaky faucet
into the vast desert of life.
I wander eternally in this forsaken land
crawling, my feet drag through infinite grains of sand
searching, endlessly for something, anything.
A door appears.
A cracked, dried out hand slowly envelops the knob
the knob turns counter-clockwise, and the door flies inward.
Time
Stops
I step through the gateway into a blinding light
A damp breeze envelops me,
The day begins again.

**
AiurZ
Profile Blog Joined May 2004
United States429 Posts
November 11 2010 19:36 GMT
#2
Why can't anyone write a nice sonnet anymore?

The half foot lines that you put in to try to dramatically emphasize the slowness of the passage of time are not only intensely aware of themselves as lines of poetry but also give me the opposite impression. I tend to reader shorter meters faster than I would longer meters.

If you want to emphasize the slow and arduous passage of time, instead of trying to manipulate cheap tricks with nonce line lengths, substitute spondaic feet in appropriate places.
picture of dogs.jpg
XeliN
Profile Joined June 2009
United Kingdom1755 Posts
November 11 2010 20:09 GMT
#3
Seems abit over-saturated with metaphor for my liking. But thankfully there are no rules to poetry and the only judge of quality is individual interpretation so as long as your happy with it ^^
Adonai bless
Kamille
Profile Blog Joined September 2010
Monaco1035 Posts
November 11 2010 21:52 GMT
#4
Never use single word lines unless they truly have a meaning. You've abused it. A single word within a poem acting as a line places a lot of emphasis on it. It's almost the same in prose, where you place a short sentence between two long ones in order to drawn your reader's attention to it. Try less telling and more showing. You're just telling me about you dragging yourself through a desert.

Also, I think posting a sonnet would be heart breaking, because someone would just say "that sucks because you have one spondee" or something to that extent.
Priphea
Artemis
Profile Blog Joined February 2010
United States129 Posts
November 11 2010 22:52 GMT
#5
On November 12 2010 06:52 Kamille wrote:
Never use single word lines unless they truly have a meaning. You've abused it. A single word within a poem acting as a line places a lot of emphasis on it. It's almost the same in prose, where you place a short sentence between two long ones in order to drawn your reader's attention to it. Try less telling and more showing. You're just telling me about you dragging yourself through a desert.

Also, I think posting a sonnet would be heart breaking, because someone would just say "that sucks because you have one spondee" or something to that extent.


I was using the "Tick tock" lines, to show movement into a sort of dream world. The "Time stops" might have been a bit much though. Also, this is not a sonnet, I meant it to be a free verse, but I might adapt it into a sonnet, it might turn out well.
Artemis
Profile Blog Joined February 2010
United States129 Posts
November 12 2010 00:06 GMT
#6
Revised:

Boredom
Boredom saturates my soul,
like murky waters of disdain.
I beat a sheet of white-washed parchment,
with the blunt end of my pen,
like the monotonous ticking of a grandfather clock.
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Time is dripping like a leaky faucet
into the vast desert of life.
I wander eternally in this forsaken land,
crawling through the wasteland I leave trails in the universe.
I search the universe for a single grain of sand,
A door appears.
A cracked, dried out hand slowly envelops the knob
the knob turns counter-clockwise, and the door flies inward.
Time stops for a brief eternity.
I step through the gateway into a blinding light
A damp breeze envelops me,
The day begins again.
palms
Profile Joined February 2010
Canada7 Posts
November 12 2010 00:42 GMT
#7
great poem man i like it, everyones just trying to be cool
XeliN
Profile Joined June 2009
United Kingdom1755 Posts
November 12 2010 02:20 GMT
#8
Palms, "cool" and "poetry" are kinda oxymoronic, i was only trying to say my honest opinion.
Adonai bless
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