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Story I wrote

Blogs > CaucasianAsian
Post a Reply
1 2 Next All
CaucasianAsian
Profile Blog Joined September 2005
Korea (South)11577 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-10-08 20:34:16
January 29 2010 20:08 GMT
#1


****
Calendar@ Fish Server: `iOps]..Stark
numLoCK
Profile Blog Joined November 2008
Canada1416 Posts
January 29 2010 20:13 GMT
#2
Didn't you post this before? Either way, its an interesting read. The perspective of the taller man is one to think about.
Thratur
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Canada917 Posts
January 29 2010 20:14 GMT
#3
Awesome! Send more!
Mora
Profile Blog Joined October 2002
Canada5235 Posts
January 29 2010 20:26 GMT
#4
thanks for sharing <3
Happiness only real when shared.
Chill
Profile Blog Joined January 2005
Calgary25980 Posts
January 29 2010 20:33 GMT
#5
I think the idea is extremely cliched. I feel like I've read lines like "The beauty of life isn’t what you achieve doing. Instead, it is the fact that it all ends. Death brings meaning to everything you do." directly before.
Moderator
Mora
Profile Blog Joined October 2002
Canada5235 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-01-29 20:35:22
January 29 2010 20:35 GMT
#6
On January 30 2010 05:33 Chill wrote:
I think the idea is extremely cliched. I feel like I've read lines like "The beauty of life isn’t what you achieve doing. Instead, it is the fact that it all ends. Death brings meaning to everything you do." directly before.


Perhaps My Blog?

It seemed less cliche when i wrote it.
Happiness only real when shared.
d3_crescentia
Profile Blog Joined May 2009
United States4054 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-01-29 20:52:15
January 29 2010 20:51 GMT
#7
Upon a cursory glance, it's hard to differentiate between the two voices speaking outside of what they're talking about. 'Taller man' and 'shorter man' seem to be relatively weak descriptors.
once, not long ago, there was a moon here
citi.zen
Profile Joined April 2009
2509 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-01-29 20:53:22
January 29 2010 20:52 GMT
#8
The idea is a bit cheesy, yes. Also, I found myself distracted/irritated by the repeated referral to "the taller" and "the shorter" man. I would find a way to drop more of those, or use some other identifier - introduce them once and the let the dialogue flow I think.

Otherwise good job and thanks for sharing!
Aut viam inveniam, aut faciam.
samachking
Profile Blog Joined August 2007
Bahrain4949 Posts
January 29 2010 20:55 GMT
#9
It's a nice story, but I do not think a philosophical dialogue no matter how intricate shows story writing skill, the key is to present your points from a creative way to get your points out there, the only form less creative than a dialogue is a monologue or essay. I liked it though. You can't really do much with a short word count cap. Thanks for sharing.
"And then Earthlings discovered tools. Suddenly agreeing with friends could be a form of suicide or worse. But agreements went on, not for the sake of common sense, or decency, or self preservation, but for friendliness."
Severedevil
Profile Blog Joined April 2009
United States4838 Posts
January 29 2010 21:04 GMT
#10
It's not really a story. Though I dunno what kind of story you can squeeze in if this extremely short piece is 500 words too long.

Also, fuck third person objective. What the hell sense does it make to describe a scene from no one's perspective?
My strategy is to fork people.
Mora
Profile Blog Joined October 2002
Canada5235 Posts
January 29 2010 21:16 GMT
#11
On January 30 2010 06:04 Severedevil wrote:
It's not really a story. Though I dunno what kind of story you can squeeze in if this extremely short piece is 500 words too long.

Also, fuck third person objective. What the hell sense does it make to describe a scene from no one's perspective?


that's a bit of a juvenile approach no?

you can't fathom that a message can best be interpreted from the gleaning of observations vs the ideas being made explicit?

Sometimes interpretation is part of the experience.

Happiness only real when shared.
CaucasianAsian
Profile Blog Joined September 2005
Korea (South)11577 Posts
January 29 2010 21:20 GMT
#12
On January 30 2010 06:04 Severedevil wrote:
It's not really a story. Though I dunno what kind of story you can squeeze in if this extremely short piece is 500 words too long.

Also, fuck third person objective. What the hell sense does it make to describe a scene from no one's perspective?


Same way with Hemmingways 'White Elephants'. It is to be percieved by an on-looker and not by feeling one of the characters. The same way if you're eating in a resturaunt and you're overhearing other peoples conversation. You don't know the whole story, and have to fill in the gaps that you don't understand.
Calendar@ Fish Server: `iOps]..Stark
StorkHwaiting
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
United States3465 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-01-29 22:44:49
January 29 2010 22:41 GMT
#13
On January 30 2010 06:20 CaucasianAsian wrote:
Show nested quote +
On January 30 2010 06:04 Severedevil wrote:
It's not really a story. Though I dunno what kind of story you can squeeze in if this extremely short piece is 500 words too long.

Also, fuck third person objective. What the hell sense does it make to describe a scene from no one's perspective?


Same way with Hemmingways 'White Elephants'. It is to be percieved by an on-looker and not by feeling one of the characters. The same way if you're eating in a resturaunt and you're overhearing other peoples conversation. You don't know the whole story, and have to fill in the gaps that you don't understand.


Hmm, that's not quite what Third Person Objective is...

Rather, third person objective is the PoV of an outside narrator, but it's not limited to a remote, unfeeling observer. In fact, the narrative voice itself can become a character in the story. Third Person objective purely means that you can't get into the mental aspect of the characters IN the story. 3rd person objective can actually be a very fun perspective to use. Also, the narrator can know more than both of the characters in the story. 3rd person omniscient is still a 3rd person objective as long as the omniscient narrator does not speak about what the characters are thinking.

Also, to the people saying that you can't do much story in 500 words, I beg to differ. I've seen some amazing depth in flash fiction less than 500 words.

To the OP's story:
The story is hard to get into mostly because the characters are not very sympathetic. It's hard to do a suicide story in a short medium. Mostly because it's so anathema to human nature, the writer has to work hard to sell the believability of someone wanting to suicide. You provided a motivation ie lost family, job, etc but it's such a cliche reason that the audience is not engaged. Remember, writing needs to be engaging. It needs to stimulate the readers' minds. The story really doesn't have any stimulating material in it other than the guy who can't die. But that too is a rather overdone concept and overall this story just didn't have much emotional impact.

The prose, diction, and verb tenses also had a lot of rough patches. I'd also ask the teacher to help you with dialogue tags, how to do them, and how to punctuate them as there are a number of errors here and there in how you used them.

But writing technique is easy. The important thing is that your story didn't have quite enough emotional provocation, unique characterization, or plot conflicts to really engender a satisfying read.

Still, this is the joy of writing. Getting better and learning more about the craft and utilizing your creativity every time you try.



Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-01-29 22:49:58
January 29 2010 22:45 GMT
#14
On January 30 2010 05:33 Chill wrote:
I think the idea is extremely cliched. I feel like I've read lines like "The beauty of life isn’t what you achieve doing. Instead, it is the fact that it all ends. Death brings meaning to everything you do." directly before.

It's pretty old philosophy. I think it's Nietzsche "Without death time would be meaningless."

edit: or not

Take death for example. A great deal of our effort goes into avoiding it. We make extraordinary efforts to delay it and often consider its intrusion a tragic event. Yet we'd find it hard to live without it. Death gives meaning to our lives. It gives importance and value to time. Time would become meaningless if there were too much of it. If death were indefinitely put off, the human psyche would end up, well, like the gambler in the "Twilight Zone" episode.

- Ray Kurzweil


But I know someone said it before even this guy... I should who because I've been learning about it T.T
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
CaucasianAsian
Profile Blog Joined September 2005
Korea (South)11577 Posts
January 29 2010 23:20 GMT
#15
On January 30 2010 07:41 StorkHwaiting wrote:
Show nested quote +
On January 30 2010 06:20 CaucasianAsian wrote:
On January 30 2010 06:04 Severedevil wrote:
It's not really a story. Though I dunno what kind of story you can squeeze in if this extremely short piece is 500 words too long.

Also, fuck third person objective. What the hell sense does it make to describe a scene from no one's perspective?


Same way with Hemmingways 'White Elephants'. It is to be percieved by an on-looker and not by feeling one of the characters. The same way if you're eating in a resturaunt and you're overhearing other peoples conversation. You don't know the whole story, and have to fill in the gaps that you don't understand.


Hmm, that's not quite what Third Person Objective is...

Rather, third person objective is the PoV of an outside narrator, but it's not limited to a remote, unfeeling observer. In fact, the narrative voice itself can become a character in the story. Third Person objective purely means that you can't get into the mental aspect of the characters IN the story. 3rd person objective can actually be a very fun perspective to use. Also, the narrator can know more than both of the characters in the story. 3rd person omniscient is still a 3rd person objective as long as the omniscient narrator does not speak about what the characters are thinking.

Also, to the people saying that you can't do much story in 500 words, I beg to differ. I've seen some amazing depth in flash fiction less than 500 words.

To the OP's story:
The story is hard to get into mostly because the characters are not very sympathetic. It's hard to do a suicide story in a short medium. Mostly because it's so anathema to human nature, the writer has to work hard to sell the believability of someone wanting to suicide. You provided a motivation ie lost family, job, etc but it's such a cliche reason that the audience is not engaged. Remember, writing needs to be engaging. It needs to stimulate the readers' minds. The story really doesn't have any stimulating material in it other than the guy who can't die. But that too is a rather overdone concept and overall this story just didn't have much emotional impact.

The prose, diction, and verb tenses also had a lot of rough patches. I'd also ask the teacher to help you with dialogue tags, how to do them, and how to punctuate them as there are a number of errors here and there in how you used them.

But writing technique is easy. The important thing is that your story didn't have quite enough emotional provocation, unique characterization, or plot conflicts to really engender a satisfying read.

Still, this is the joy of writing. Getting better and learning more about the craft and utilizing your creativity every time you try.





thanks for a great response
Calendar@ Fish Server: `iOps]..Stark
Alethios
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
New Zealand2765 Posts
January 29 2010 23:43 GMT
#16
Thanks for posting this. Always nice when people share things like this.

I've heard the philosophy before, infact i'm a firm believer in it.

I liked what you've tried to do, though I feel it lacked anything new. Furthermore it didn't seem to flow very well. Few problems with the technical side, cadences and so forth. I have no doubt this will improve greatly as you continue to write.

I do hope you continue to write, and keep posting your stories here. Cheers!
When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.
Mora
Profile Blog Joined October 2002
Canada5235 Posts
January 30 2010 00:07 GMT
#17
On January 30 2010 07:41 StorkHwaiting wrote:
Show nested quote +
On January 30 2010 06:20 CaucasianAsian wrote:
On January 30 2010 06:04 Severedevil wrote:
It's not really a story. Though I dunno what kind of story you can squeeze in if this extremely short piece is 500 words too long.

Also, fuck third person objective. What the hell sense does it make to describe a scene from no one's perspective?


Same way with Hemmingways 'White Elephants'. It is to be percieved by an on-looker and not by feeling one of the characters. The same way if you're eating in a resturaunt and you're overhearing other peoples conversation. You don't know the whole story, and have to fill in the gaps that you don't understand.


Hmm, that's not quite what Third Person Objective is...

Rather, third person objective is the PoV of an outside narrator, but it's not limited to a remote, unfeeling observer. In fact, the narrative voice itself can become a character in the story. Third Person objective purely means that you can't get into the mental aspect of the characters IN the story. 3rd person objective can actually be a very fun perspective to use. Also, the narrator can know more than both of the characters in the story. 3rd person omniscient is still a 3rd person objective as long as the omniscient narrator does not speak about what the characters are thinking.

Also, to the people saying that you can't do much story in 500 words, I beg to differ. I've seen some amazing depth in flash fiction less than 500 words.

To the OP's story:
The story is hard to get into mostly because the characters are not very sympathetic. It's hard to do a suicide story in a short medium. Mostly because it's so anathema to human nature, the writer has to work hard to sell the believability of someone wanting to suicide. You provided a motivation ie lost family, job, etc but it's such a cliche reason that the audience is not engaged. Remember, writing needs to be engaging. It needs to stimulate the readers' minds. The story really doesn't have any stimulating material in it other than the guy who can't die. But that too is a rather overdone concept and overall this story just didn't have much emotional impact.

The prose, diction, and verb tenses also had a lot of rough patches. I'd also ask the teacher to help you with dialogue tags, how to do them, and how to punctuate them as there are a number of errors here and there in how you used them.

But writing technique is easy. The important thing is that your story didn't have quite enough emotional provocation, unique characterization, or plot conflicts to really engender a satisfying read.

Still, this is the joy of writing. Getting better and learning more about the craft and utilizing your creativity every time you try.


i found your response very patronizing
Happiness only real when shared.
Mora
Profile Blog Joined October 2002
Canada5235 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-01-30 00:10:49
January 30 2010 00:10 GMT
#18
On January 30 2010 07:41 StorkHwaiting wrote:
The prose, diction, and verb tenses also had a lot of rough patches. I'd also ask the teacher to help you with dialogue tags, how to do them, and how to punctuate them as there are a number of errors here and there in how you used them.


I am also trying to improve my writing and i don't have a teacher to consult. One of the areas i struggle with are dialogue tags. Could you point out the passages that you are referring to?
Happiness only real when shared.
Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
January 30 2010 00:11 GMT
#19
You don't understand man, it's his duty. He's got mad credentials since he won that contest!

+ Show Spoiler +
Don't ask me what I'm being right now
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
A3iL3r0n
Profile Blog Joined October 2002
United States2196 Posts
January 30 2010 00:17 GMT
#20
On January 30 2010 09:10 Mora wrote:
Show nested quote +
On January 30 2010 07:41 StorkHwaiting wrote:
The prose, diction, and verb tenses also had a lot of rough patches. I'd also ask the teacher to help you with dialogue tags, how to do them, and how to punctuate them as there are a number of errors here and there in how you used them.


I am also trying to improve my writing and i don't have a teacher to consult. One of the areas i struggle with are dialogue tags. Could you point out the passages that you are referring to?

Just look it up on the internet. Technical stuff doesn't need a teacher, only self-motivation.
My psychiatrist says I have deep-seated Ragneuroses :(
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