EPT
Stay a while, and listen.
Some of you may be watching the LCS tournament. Some of you may be wondering who's going to win the LCS. Some of you might even think that your favorite team is going to take the LCS trophy. Perhaps you're a fan of Team Stream More, Complete Loser Guys, or whatever fucking team this guy is on.
![[image loading]](http://fireden.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVEN.jpg.jpeg)
Well, you're wrong. You're all wrong. "BUT NO ASMO," you exclaim, "YR A SCRUB IF YOU DONT THINK TSM/CLG/DIGNITAS/WTF-EVER WILL WIN. WHAT A FKNOOB. GO BACK TO REDDIT." Clearly you think your team is better than mine. Is that so? Really?
IS YOUR TEAM BETTER THAN FIRE?
![[image loading]](http://www.newsoflegends.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/curse-eu-welcomes-former-team-acer-members_aeeoe_0.jpg)
This isn't your grandmother's Hype Thread. This isn't an SC2 Hype Thread. This is a thread built from the strength and wisdom of humans, yordles, and ravenous Void Monsters. This thread is mightier than Garen's thighs and more fabulous than Taric's wardrobe. This thread does not retreat. This thread purges the unjust. This thread punches first and asks questions while punching.
THIS IS WHY CURSE GAMING WILL WIN THE LCS.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/nN9HGcm.png)
Your Skills Are Inferior
In Season 2, there were Three. A Troika, if you will. They were strong, but that was the past. Their strength is that of an age of eSports long gone. They have grown soft in their dotage. They are weak and floundering, barely knowing which month's flavour they need to copy. More than that, they've torn at each other for over a year, leaving blood in the water. The Big Three should have tended to their wounds, for now, they live in shark-infested waters. Now, there can only be One. That One will be Curse, and they will RULE THEM ALL.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/NMAVRpW.png)
Be afraid.
"But... but... there are new teams in the LCS! Teams full of new talent waiting to prove themselves!" they cry. WRONG. No barely-potty trained Ranked 5v5-winning ladder warriors can stand up to the eSports colossus that is Curse! When the players of MouRN and coLon and Vulcan Science Academy were first learning how to right-click, Curse was already locked out in the freezing cold with naught but a knife and flint, commanded to survive the long weeks of winter in a forest teeming with bears. Except when these OGs of League emerged from the dark woods they wore furs and had a newfound love of bear meat. Look at the silky smooth hands of any of these new teams and tell me if they're meant for the harsh, intense, and badass progaming lifestyle. Fucking. Doubtful. There is new MEAT now in the professional LoL scene, paid for the privilege of being Curse's BACON.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/4prALWs.png)
Who's a Brunch Club now?
Have I not convinced you yet? Have you not seen the errors of your ways? Has the Curse gospel not yet swayed you from your path to Elo hell and on to the road of truth, majesty, and freedom? FINE, FOOLS. Feast your eyes on Curse's MEMBERS. These are the finest goddamn members you have ever seen, and if you think they look good, just wait until you see these members work.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/A9FohQg.png)
More accurate than TRUTH
SaintVicious
(Role: Lifting)
![[image loading]](http://leaguepedia.com/images/thumb/3/3c/Crs_saintvicious_lcs.PNG/220px-Crs_saintvicious_lcs.PNG)
In the legends of Ancient Greece, the Titan Atlas was punished to an eternity of holding up crushing weight of the sky. The pure heaviness of the world bent the massive superhuman, hobbling him, denying his impressive power.
SaintVicious could do that shit with one hand.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/MPvPEYM.jpg)
You've never seen jungling like his before. Saintvicious is a silverback, ruler of his domain through and through. He strides through his home from tree to tree, massacring invaders and denizens alike. Any who cross his lordly path are smote as if they were dust beneath an extremely angry broom. And like a silverback he has mighty arms, bestial trunks of muscle with only one purpose. It's CARRYING TEAMS LIKE A BOSS. He's stronger than forty American Gladiators combined and knows even more about benching than Elementz. He plays the biggest, baddest, ass-kickingest Champions and spends whole games smashing noobs and throwing people on his rippling, beautiful back.
![[image loading]](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3NtOueLUgrs/ToE731fX35I/AAAAAAAAAik/NPp5K8CLZJg/s1600/prince%2Bali.jpg)
Like this.
A scrub won't rip your arms out of your sockets when he loses. SaintVicious is known to do that. So don't fuck with him. He will lift you up and put you down. Into a pit. With spikes on the bottom. Made out of piranhas. It's in his backyard.
Cop
(Role: Predator)
![[image loading]](http://hydramist.tv/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/cop.jpg)
Wind whistles through the woods. You sprint, heart beating as if there were a drum in your chest. The rest of the troop has already fallen. The first was Steve. Oh god, Steve. At one moment, there he was... laughing, joking with the rest of the boys. He was showing you a picture of his young wife and newborn son. The next moment, he fell, the blood splatter from his skull staining the cellulose smile of his loved ones. You spring into action, not realizing that Steve's death was so fast and silent that no one else had even noticed. Then Jake collapsed in a red mist, the mugs of coffee in his hands splintering into porcelain shards on the ground. That's when the screaming began. Around you your companions fled or took up arms, but all with the same result. Old Corporal Abner died with his back turned, the arrow catching him in the back of his wrinkled neck. Johnny and Matthews raised their rifles towards the unseen threat, but were cut down before they fired a shot. That's when you plunged into the tree line, running as fast as your tired legs would carry you.
We should have listened to the legends, you regret, and never entered this unholy place. That elderly woman told us that the forest was Cursed with Death, that the Mercenary was ever vigilant. Yet the Lieutenant laughed off her warnings, dismissing them as the ramblings of an old hag. We should have listened. Everyone is dead. All gone. And you know you too are being hunted, that you cannot escape. What did she call this terror? Even though you can hear no footsteps but your own, you feel them coming for you. What was the name of the infernal assassin?
"He is called Cop. And you are already dead."
Elementz
(Role: Making Cop Look Good)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/YcH5JWx.jpg)
"You've got to be fucking kidding me Asmo," cry the h8ers, "There's nothing you could say to convince me that Elementz is anything other than a shitty support." Oh yeah? What do you think you know about Elementz? Huh? About his true identity? About what makes him the best support that has ever and will ever exist?
Elementz is a time traveler.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/dSDYBRj.png)
Yeah, I know.
Think about it. Why would anyone facecheck a brush or miss an ult so often? Because he sees outside of time. The brush was warded and the ult was dead on... in the future. Elementz is from 2113, when League of Legends is in the national pastime and metas and Champions have evolved and multiplied to levels unfathomable to us now. Then, League will be played with virtual reality, where you are your Champion in every game. In that time, Elementz is a king of kings, son of a long line of LoL players (where he is his own ancestor). Yet he was sent back to our era to ensure the preservation of the timeline, to keep LoL on the right course. It is because he is unfamiliar with our primitive systems, and because he sees the game's future while playing, that he "appears flawed." But make no mistake: Elementz is on a level you cannot comprehend because you will be dead before it arrives. Be on the ground floor now, for those who back Elementz in the present will prosper when his family's LoL dynasty reigns.
![[image loading]](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_melzso91hA1rx9arg.jpg)
The Return of the King.
Nyjacky
(Role: Blowing Shit Up/Being Handsome)
![[image loading]](http://hydramist.tv/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/nyjacky3.jpg)
Hold on.
I was going to talk about Nyjacky's Mid lane play. I was going to talk about how he's a goddamn master magician, laying waste to his opponents left, right, center, up, down, backwards, forwards, past, present, future, and in several other dimensions. But fuck that.
Have you seen how fucking adorable this kid is?
Nyjacky is so freaking cute it actually blows your mind. It's not even fair that he kills it in LoL and is also fucking bishounen as shit. What even is that? That kid is just stupid handsome. No wonder he beats noobs so handly all the time: they just can't take his oppressive cuteness, so they surrender at 20 to go look in the mirror and weep. Riot is going to need to make tinted booths at Season 3 World Finals just to keep his hotness in. LISTEN TO HIM TALK. Curse has to wear earplugs when they play together so they aren't just entranced by his dulcet tones. Then, he finishes playing the game, walks out into the real world, and it's just THIS.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/CNJvAlf.png)
Every. Single. Day.
Just give up. He's too pretty. Also, better than you at AP Mid. Please.
Voyboy
(Role: God)
![[image loading]](http://leaguepedia.com/images/thumb/f/ff/Crs_voyboy_lcs.PNG/220px-Crs_voyboy_lcs.PNG)
Voyboy has never lost a game of League of Legends. Maybe his teammates have (especially his CLG and dignitas ones). Perhaps his team has... rarely. But Voyboy has never lost. Ever. When his Nexus goes down, HE EARNS A VICTORY. When his team gets fifth place, HE RECEIVES A 1ST PLACE TROPHY AND PRIZE MONEY. When other teams receive praise for their skill and ability, THEY APOLOGIZE to Voyboy because they know that it's all a lie. This is a man so powerful, so potent, so virile in League of Legends, that the system has to take his points away when he wins. To make it fair.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/aFbPlGP.jpg)
Didn't even have to Photoshop this shit.
All members of Curse should be feared, but Voyboy transcends fear. He inspires awe. He is glory and joy. When you face Voyboy in his home lane, you will at least wet yourself in marvel at the sheer beauty of his play. His majesty cannot be denied. Flocks of the faithful tune into his games and weep openly at his elegance and splendor. He shines with the grandeur of ten-thousand suns. Nothing can approach his beauty, elegance, and might. Kneel before Voyboy, the Chosen One, the Top Lane Savior, He Who Channels the Glory of NA. So it is written, so it shall be done.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/lkJDw8n.png)
[i]What else do I have to say?
Rhux
(Role: Whatever the Fuck He Wants)
Rhux is an enigma. Rhux is mercurial. Rhux is everything. Rhux is nothing. Rhux is infinite. Rhux is diminuative. Rhux is order. Rhux is chaos.
Rhux is me.
Rhux is you.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/qWFiyaH.jpg)
NA will ask for me to save it, and I will answer 'No.'
Let me level with you.
You want to support Curse. You do. If you don't, you're just going to be sad. That's what you're giving up by supporting lesser, inferior, pathetic teams: JOY. You are asking to be depressed. And ugly. And smelly. It's just what happens to people who don't support Curse. Trust me, I know: I've seen it happen. It's not pretty.
![[image loading]](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/e/e0/Gollum.PNG/220px-Gollum.PNG)
Nothing to do with Rings
On the other hand, Curse fans are all gorgeous. We attract everyone. And I mean everyone. Valentine's Day this year was extremely difficult, if you know what I mean. We're hyper-intelligent. I can do multivariable calculus in my head. I never even took that class. I've already memorized the names of everyone who's read this thread. Their real names. Yeah, think about that. You can't do it, can you? Unless you're a Curse fan. We're also absurdly charming, charismatic, and creative, and you need no more proof of that than seeing this work of art I've created. Could you do this, Rembrandt? Doubtful. VERY doubtful. This is just science. Which, as you may gather, I can now do. Because Curse.
Curse will win the LCS. They'll stomp EVERYONE. Because they couldn't NOT do it. Even if they tried. Winning is in their blood; it comes more naturally to them than breathing. It isn't even about the LCS. It isn't even about LEAGUE OF LEGENDS, dammit. Curse will win because they are LIVING GODS. NOTHING CAN STOP THEM. NOTHING.
Join the winning side. Come away from the darkness and into the light. Don't by shy. The water's nice. You have heard the good word of Curse, and I beseech you to enter these hallowed halls. For your sake. For your fantasy team's sake. For Piltover and Demacia and Noxus and Ionia and The Void.
CURSE WILL TRIUMPH.
Special Thanks:
Neo & MoonBear (even though they are CLG fanboiz) - For taking a good ribbing, "employing" me, and going light on the hammer.
JonGalt - For creating something that I could destroy and replace with something better. Also, for genuinely good taste in music.
onlywonderboy - For causing this Curse fanboyism in the first place (probably)
A Bunch of Websites - For providing all the assets I stole to make this eSports Picasso.
Reddit - For keeping my already-superinflated ego from consuming me whole.
TeamLiquid - For providing a shelter in which these shenanigans are not merely tolerated, but encouraged.
Riot - For giving us a reason to be here in the first place.
Curse - BECAUSE FUCKING CURSE.
