The LiquidLegends Lounge - Page 1430

I think these days europer has started adopting a really low dose strategy. 10 to 20mg a day for a log er period of time, reduces the side effects a fair bit. The 80 a day shit they do in America is crazy :o

Having monthly blood tests and I have to promise to tell them if I try to kill myself though.

I think the main bad side effect is the whole birth defect thing which makes it a huge deal for girls. Yay for having a penis

Flashback to yesterday, 6 PM, after half an afternoon of shores I've just helped Braids (my gf) to fix her Internet, she tests it with a pizza delivery website and I leave joking about how it's not the healthiest of foods (considering that's what we'll prob get this evening).
I then go a pal's to draft CN2 with friends of his. That's pretty much the highlight of the week and what I was looking up to for the day, since it's probably my last chance to play the format (not popular at the store and they bought a box for it so they prob won't do another one), and it's an opportunity to meet these guys again and just have fun.
Things start very well for me (for the MTG-inclined: Sanctum Prelate, Summoner's Bond, Ghostly Prison, Custodi Peacekeeper @4, Ghostly Possession so with a Pariah I'd be set, a couple flyers, and the rest of the pack gears me up for either G or U as second colour, after making sure my neighbour's B due to 3x Murder and Marchesa's Decree passed for my first picks) when I get a call: Braids' just had a bad fall, and her sister told her she can't come since she's at her college's "opening party" or however you name it (wtf? Even if she doesn't have a car just find someone to help?) and since she knows pretty much noone else she relies on me.

So I excuse myself from the table, to their credit they say it doesn't matter and urge me to go, and I drive to her place, unloading a couple fits of rage on sloppy drivers along the way. I'm obviously pissed off, my one occasion's gone, whole evening and maybe night's ruined too since emergency services are often full, and of course I'm not going to take out my frustration on her when it's not her fault. By the time I arrive I'm composed again, she's having it worse than me.

Looks like she broke her feet, we get to the emergency service and somebody's kind enough to help me carry her, go to the waiting room...
and I notice on the wall that there's been a strike for several weeks now, meaning things won't go smoothly. Great.

They take her, and the wait start, I'm not pissed off anymore, not even in a sour mood, I guess I've just turned jaded at that point as my way of not working myself up over stuff I can't change anyway.
I'm still thinking about how I'd usually just heat something up, sit in front of the computer and just daze myself till bed so the frustration's gone, I'd want to do that but obviously can't.

After a couple hours, she starts texting me, she's been getting x-rays and I assume she's in a waiting room. She expects her foot to be broken and immobilised, and from what she hears she's going to be on sick leave for 4+ weeks (she's a teacher).

My first thought at that point is that it means much more free time for her, that she'll probably want to spend mostly with me and how much of a drag it'd be.

That's very self-centred, and I was aware of this much. That's pretty much how it goes though: I know I'm used to my own little comfort, and being in a relationship shakes the habits up, but I'm still having my reflexes, not liking something, would rather do something else out of laziness/habit/comfort/etc., and then make an effort since a relationship's about compromises and balance too.
Still, I can't feel reasonable the way I go about things; I know I'm an introvert (in the sense that I need my "me time" to rest and relax) and she needs a lot of attention and closeness after her previous relationships, and I try to both make efforts for her without pampering either and trying to be reasonable in how I strike a balance and a limit to how much would be too demanding on her part. But it usually ends up with me being selfish and thinking first about my own comfort, then considering what would be "proper" in that situation (from what little I know of social standads), often finding that it doesn't suit me, trying to find a compromise between both that may suit her too, and finally finding one or, failing that accepting to go with what "should" be.

I mean, at least I'm decent at compromising at guess, and technically while I may not tilt much toward the "others" scale in the absolute, I feel that relative to my own standards I do it more often thant not. But oftimes willy-nilly and only because putting myself first wouldn't be "proper."

Anyway, after awhile and having read most of what seems not-boring in the room, I start pacing and stretching a bit (legs sore from excessive exercising the past days) and one of the personnel asks me who I'm here for, checks and offers me to see her since apparently her foot's done being casted.
I agree, we go, finish the last stuff, and it's now almost midnight. Since the reason for her falling came up (ironically, it was because she didn't order a pizza in the end and cooked stuff, then fell when she climbed a chair to reach her studio's oven) and we obviously hadn't eaten a thing, she suggests to go to a restaurant, although we failed to find a late-night chemist for her prescribed crutches.
It's almost midnight and she finds an open restaurant, but it's pretty obvious that hopping on one foot from post to post to rest herself a bit is all but convenient, and the height difference means she can't really rest on my shoulder (and she doesn't want to anyway). I suggest several times that it may not be worth it, till she mentions that paying for the restaurant is a way for her to repay me for cutting my own plans and helping her, and that she hoped it'd please me. I still think it's silly but again, compromise, if she really feels like she can why not try; I jog ahead though and find the restaurant closing early for lack of clients, so we go back to her place anyway (which thanksfully has a lift, contrary to mine).

There we eat and talk a bit, partly about what would need to be done papers-wise for a leave, and her replacement, etc. the next day. Again, I'd just want to put her to bed early so she can rest, get all the bed to herself and to properly elevate her foot, and go home myself for that computer daze into just sleeping, and going to the chemist 60 meters from my house to bring her crutches, then herself to the high school, this morning. Selfishly.
I also know she's going to want me to spend the night here since it's an opportunity, she'd feel less alone and maybe it'd distract her from her pain, etc. I know I sleep fitfully with her (maybe just with somebody else in general) and her room is less comfy, hotter, lets more light through in the morning and there are builders with fancy noisy tools outside from 8 AM, but again, compromises and stuff, that'd be selfish, etc.
Predictably, I sleep maybe 2.5 hours from 2 to 6 when her first alarm rings, then struggle awhile to fall asleep again before her+workers wake me up for good at 8.

I fetch her crutches and meds, drive her around for her papers and stuff, and finally get home.
My neck and shoulders are stiff and painful for a reason I ignore, my legs are still sore from the exercise, I'm exhausted and it's noon. I haven't done anything remotely productive in 18 hours, let alone sleep, and I'm going to be a zombie for the rest of today too, so two days in a row, maybe two and a half depending on how much I need to sleep tomorrow morning. I can't help but feel like I'd have been so much better off just going home, and she'd maybe have been saddened but she'd have survived spending the night alone and seeing me at 9 or 10 with the crutches and ready to drive her.

It's annoying and frustrating. I'm selfish and self-centred but I can't really measure to which extent, and I don't know how much would be just being reasonable together, or too much and being distant by not seeing her more/enough, or where the line between being selfish about my comfort and simply thinking about my well-being is drawn, and I end up doing stuff that sometimes feels like myself making too much concessions/offering too much when I'd actually deserve to be a little selfish without it being excessive this time.
(Edit: ya I'd forgotten the words. I'm a pampered child when it comes to my comfort, so not doing stuff in a way that fits my own habits is super hard to accept. Fucking children man.)
I don't know. I hate wastes of time, I hate the feeling of being physically tired and not reactive/thinking clearly (even more so when I've got intellectual stuff to do, be it for work or FNM), but would the alternative be imposing on others worse than I imposed on myself doing all this?

Of course I don't resent her for this, and neither for the Conspiracy draft. It's not her fault and had her sister moved her ass I don't think I'd have worried that much aside from sendings texts from time to time to check on her/them, so it's not like I'm really any better than said sister (well I'd probably have asked her if she had other, closer/more available people before going myself if she had called me first actually, which is probably pretty darn rude, but I wouldn't have outright said I'm not available without inquiring about her other avenues). Anyhow.
I don't resent her and I don't think I'm in that bad of a mood actually (on one hand my soreness/ache prob makes it worse, but if my mind wasn't as sleep-deprived maybe I'd still be pissed off), maybe I'm maturing a bit and learning to let go of some stuff I can influence (some day I won't spam the skype chat guys), but... I don't know. I'm deeply dissatisfied with how the whole thing went overall, what with time spent and ache and exhaustion and the coming weeks, but I don't feel like yelling at the top of my lungs. But I'm still frustrated about the whole process.

Urgh.

Don't know what to say, it's ranging from dude get a grip to poor aspie alaric. Well at least you know a bit about how you work. So what does your moral say? Reading from your text, it seems to have be of an egoistic kind. Remember to evaluate long term benefits and drawbacks. GF stuff is hard, and not knowing how much you've talked about "own-time" it's hard to give actual advice. Except do that talk.

Hey man, you did the right thing even if you didn't want to. That's what matters and you should be proud of yourself for doing it for starts.

At first I was going to ask you if there was something about the relationship that was bothering you. Like, if you'd rather be somewhere else than helping her it might be a flag, and if spending time with her is such a drag you might need to re-evaluate.

But then I read through again and it's a bit more clear that there's not necessarily anything wrong with the relationship or your feelings towards her, you're just going through very normal types of feelings. Especially for introverts who enjoy their alone time and like their hobbies/habits, things like relationships or new friendships can be pretty stressful. It doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad boyfriend or a bad person or anything, it just means that's the way you are.

Honestly it now feels to me like you're being an extremely good boyfriend and person. Sacrifice is part of any relationship. I'd rather have spend all my time outside the wedding and work last week and this playing WoW, but hanging out with the wife is important to her and to our bond so I spent time with her. And it's not that I didn't enjoy it, but of course part of me was thinking about going and leveling.

If that's the sort of person you are, you're never going to be 100% rid of those feelings. And that's fine. The fact that you can recognize it and do the right thing makes you a good person. I'm not saying let yourself be stomped all over - boundaries and alone time is necessary in any friendship or relationship. But when things got real, you were the guy for her to lean on and that's a good thing.