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Other Tales:
Finland
McDonalds
Gym
No epic ones, but a bunch of assorted ones over my history that I've decided to combine to make something at least remotely interesting.
Last Week's
You know piss shivers, like when you're 2/3 of the way done and your body gets cold for no reason? That happens to me a lot, and the number of other people's feet I have pissed on is now up to 2. Except this time I was in the stall, and the fellow was diagonally up and to the right of me in the urinal.
Wasn't even as scary this time because 1) it's not the first time I've had this problem, and 2) it is physically impossibly to be verbally intimidated by a person with an Indian accent. I honestly think it's the least intimidating accent out there.
My Name is Mikhail
So upon being pooped out I was christened with the name Mikhail. When I came to the United States from Russia, I became Michael because I was scared of standing out, and I wanted to make friends (and so far, still have none). So through elementary and middle school I was Michael everywhere except for official documents.
Between eighth and ninth grade, my family took a trip to Maine over Labor Day weekend. On the way back home we stopped for the usual pissbreak, and I'm peeing as I usually do, when I hear a voice I have never heard in my life before say "Michael."
Now, common logic dictates that Michael is a common name and he's probably talking to someone else, but twitch logic dictates that when you hear your name, you go and find out what is being addressed to you because IT IS BEING ADDRESSED TO YOU AND NOBODY ELSE.
Common logic prevailed. For the first time.
I hear the same voice, now closer. "Michael."
Now I'm uncertain, I turn a bit to the right, then stop myself, realizing no, this isn't you, go finish your piss..
Directly behind me, this time. "Michael."
Twitch logic prevails and I whirl around to face whoever is addressing me. My colossus piss laser wets a line of tiles between the guy and me, at which point the adrenaline rush from WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO mode turns on, and the laser comes back for another sweep. Got the guy's pant leg wet.
He was actually talking to his son, who rejoined him a few seconds later. Silly me.
When I returned to school four days later, I told everyone my name is Mikhail. Nobody calls me Michael anymore. I have not pissed on anyone's pants since. For that specific reason, at least 
Gym, Part II
My gym teacher got busted for selling heroin with her boyfriend. Also, holy shit, Eatontown is like an hour away from my school. The amount of gas money needed to commute here and back deducted from a teacher's salary? No wonder she started selling drugs.
Anyways, the guy I met at the gym was our substitute for a day; they brought in new people for like a week before they found a perma-sub for the whole year. He didn't recognize me from our previous meeting. He's actually a pretty chill guy when I'm not peeing on him :D
Aaaaaand.... that's all I can remember.
 
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Imma let you finish but... your bathroom stories are S-class.
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Mikhail would've gotten you way more friends dude, it's a cool and different name :o
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these bathroom stories are hilarious, holy shit.
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you are telling me, that your response to hearing your name was so violent, that you somehow managed to swing your dick away from the urinal mid-stream and tagged the guys pants?
or are you saying that you were trying make an aim adjustment and you over-corrected, causing the miss? The part where you describe exactly how you got this guys pants wet confuses me a little.
hilarious either way/
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Dude your name is so cool, I would have been your friend if I went to your school.
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There are most certainly bathroom stalls at Helsinki-Vantaa airport. You must have suffered from shit toxicity or something, not seeing things clearly. Lifetime ban in Finland effective immediately.
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What a fascinating life you lead.
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On December 03 2013 14:49 slowbacontron wrote:
Mikhail would've gotten you way more friends dude, it's a cool and different name :o
Not at the time. Standing out in elementary school doesn't get you many friends in my experience. Gets a lot better as you get older though
On December 03 2013 19:42 d00p wrote:
There are most certainly bathroom stalls at Helsinki-Vantaa airport. You must have suffered from shit toxicity or something, not seeing things clearly. Lifetime ban in Finland effective immediately.
Are there stalls in every bathroom, however? I don't remember any stalls in that particular bathroom. Do you Finns like to keep international tourists' foreign shits out of Vantaa's sewer system?
On December 03 2013 14:55 Aveng3r wrote:
you are telling me, that your response to hearing your name was so violent, that you somehow managed to swing your dick away from the urinal mid-stream and tagged the guys pants?
or are you saying that you were trying make an aim adjustment and you over-corrected, causing the miss? The part where you describe exactly how you got this guys pants wet confuses me a little.
hilarious either way/
The first one, I don't stop to think things through, ever, and this is the result. It's why I play SC2 instead of something like chess :D
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Not sure whether to laugh or cry
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On December 04 2013 08:25 NeuroticPsychosis wrote:
Not sure whether to laugh or cry
Personally I prefer both
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another wise post from the adolescent 27 year old that is sentinel.
in all seriousness you always make me feel grateful that i don't know someone like you personally.
my theory is that you're some kind of sociopath--really it's the only explanation that i can come up to explain the moral void that somehow informs so many of your posts.
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On December 09 2013 18:43 IamaGrapeMan wrote:
another wise post from the adolescent 27 year old that is sentinel.
in all seriousness you always make me feel grateful that i don't know someone like you personally.
my theory is that you're some kind of sociopath--really it's the only explanation that i can come up to explain the moral void that somehow informs so many of your posts.
Holy shit dude. Its just stories about poop. Chill.
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EPT
