Welcome, citizens of Teamliquid.net, to this exciting new presentation from ESPORTS.CO, the ESPORTS company. We are here today to present to you ESPORTS.CO's newest line of products, their ESPORTS-Brand Mob Gear.

Before we unveil the products however, let us ask you a few questions.

How often have you tried to sign on to teamliquid.net, only to have it fail to load during a major tournament? How many times have you been unable to express your intense displeasure at somebody hurting ESPORTS in a thread due to fear of draconian moderation at your choice of expletives and insults? Incensed at tabloid-journalism about ESPORTS? Angry that someone isn't paying for viewer passes? Not enough chairs at MLG?

How often is this you?

ESPORTS.CO believes that it may have found the solution to these, and other, problems. This solution, comes in the form of ESPORTS-Brand Mob Gear, or EBMG for short.

What ESPORTS.CO hopes to accomplish with their EBMG, is to fill a niche which is currently unexploited in the ESPORTS market. Many users very often feel frustrated, and impotent, when faced with a threat to ESPORTS, but with the EBMG, these same users will be able to violently express themselves to their heart's content.

ESPORTS.CO hopes to to satisfy such users with the ability to physically let loose their love of ESPORTS and all things ESPORTS-related. The protection of ESPORTS is a noble and heroic task, and one which ESPORTS.CO hopes it's EBMG will enable users to accomplish.

So, without further ado, it is with great pleasure that ESPORTS.CO presents the first two products in their newest line of ESPORTS-Brand Mob Gear!

The ESPORTS Pitchfork
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More painful than the bite of a thousand Zerglings

The ESPORTS Pitchfork is the perfect response to threats against ESPORTS. With it's sharp tines and long length, it will enable users to react safely and effectively to the enemies of ESPORTS*. For the low cost of $59.99 (USD), and the inclusion of a 90 Day Warranty, it is the perfect tool in the fight against ESPORTS marginalization.

Features and Specifications:

Four foot length
Four pre-sharpened tines
Built-in plastic grip
ESPORTS decal
Blood-proof coating
90 Day Limited Warranty

*ESPORTS.CO is not responsible for any criminal charges which may be incurred during the protection of ESPORTS.

The ESPORTS Torch
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"Fire it up!" -Firebat

The ESPORTS Torch is ESPORTS.CO's solution to lighting the way into a brighter future for ESPORTS. Only needing a source of ignition, it is ready to light up the darkness and provide a flame with which to ward off threats against ESPORTS**. Use it to light a fire*** beneath those who refuse to budge their position on ESPORTS and see them quickly change their minds, and only for $29.99 (USD).

Features and Specifications:

Two foot length
Prepared easy-to-light combustible tip
ESPORTS decal
Carved wooden handle
30 Day Limited Warranty, void if lit

**ESPORTS.CO is not responsible for any burns, self-inflicted or otherwise, or property damage incurred through the use of the ESPORTS Torch.
***Metaphor. ESPORTS.CO in no way supports the illegal act of Arson against the Enemies Of ESPORTS.

ESPORTS.CO hopes that you enjoyed this presentation of it's new ESPORTS-Brand Mob Gear, and eagerly awaits you response. The first batch of EBMG should be ready for shipping within 3-6 weeks. Order now to receive a complimentary ESPORTS.CO car sticker, made so that everyone will know just how seriously you take ESPORTS.

This has been a presentation by:
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ESPORTS.CO®, The ESPORTS Company®, ESPORTS Pitchfork®, ESPORTS Torch®, ESPORTS-Brand Mob Gear®, EBMG®, and Enemies of ESPORTS® are all registered trademarks of ESPORTS.CO.

Birdie

New Zealand4438 Posts

September 01 2011 23:09 GMT

Post of the day.

FreezerJumps

Canada653 Posts

September 01 2011 23:09 GMT

Unless you make a ranged ESPORTS weapon, we're just gonna get kited.

`chain

United States124 Posts

September 01 2011 23:12 GMT

I mean, you could always use the pitchfork as a ranged weapon with one ammo...

CrazyF1r3f0x

United States2120 Posts

September 01 2011 23:22 GMT

On September 02 2011 08:09 FreezerJumps wrote:
Unless you make a ranged ESPORTS weapon, we're just gonna get kited.

We'll just have to research metabolic boost

Dusty

United States3359 Posts

September 01 2011 23:22 GMT

Good idea but what we really need is an ESPORTS brand internet-puncher

Thrill

2599 Posts

September 01 2011 23:26 GMT

Next up - the ESPORTS deluxe bandwagon: for all your vehicular needs.

Arterial

Australia1039 Posts

September 01 2011 23:45 GMT

On September 02 2011 08:09 FreezerJumps wrote:
Unless you make a ranged ESPORTS weapon, we're just gonna get kited.

bahahaha!

good one.

EvilTeletubby

Baltimore, USA22259 Posts

September 01 2011 23:52 GMT

TeamLiquid endorses this.

SirJolt

the Dagon Knight4012 Posts

September 01 2011 23:59 GMT

#10

I would also like to see an ESPORTS first aid kit, for those times (often) when someone has been hurting ESPORTS (extensively).

On September 02 2011 08:09 FreezerJumps wrote:
Unless you make a ranged ESPORTS weapon, we're just gonna get kited.

You might also want this:

r33k

Italy3402 Posts

September 02 2011 00:05 GMT

#11

No references to the CHURCH OF ESPORTS? CONSPIRACY!

eviltomahawk

United States11135 Posts

September 02 2011 00:10 GMT

#12

And my axe!

Actually, I'm more of a sword+shield kinda guy.

Since the pitchfork is bulletproof, can we deflect bullets with it like a lightsaber?

Venus.exe

United States285 Posts

September 02 2011 00:27 GMT

#13

This needs to be everywhere D:
E-sports church and all that jazz.

kOre

Canada3642 Posts

September 02 2011 00:38 GMT

#14

I would like to order the pitchforks in bulk. Actually can I get a Pitch Torch? Just glue the pitchfork on the torch. It'll save on shipping costs.

Mr. Wiggles

Canada5894 Posts

September 02 2011 00:41 GMT

#15

On September 02 2011 09:05 r33k wrote:
No references to the CHURCH OF ESPORTS? CONSPIRACY!

ESPORTS.CO is a private publicly owned corporation, and as such believes that it lies in their best interests to avoid religious association, even if it is of the ESPORTS variety. ESPORTS.CO also denies rumors of being under the same direction as the CHURCH OF ESPORTS.

On September 02 2011 08:59 SirJolt wrote:
I would also like to see an ESPORTS first aid kit, for those times (often) when someone has been hurting ESPORTS (extensively).

Show nested quote +

You might also want this:

Due to popular demand, the ESPORTS.CO Design Division has produced prototypes for an ESPORTS BAND-AID.

Elly illustrations credited to Hawaiianpig. Will remove if he objects and/or threatens ESPORTS Lawsuits.

We at ESPORTS.CO believes that such BAND-AIDs should be sufficient for the proper treatment of ESPORTS Boo-Boos.

On September 02 2011 09:38 kOre wrote:
I would like to order the pitchforks in bulk. Actually can I get a Pitch Torch? Just glue the pitchfork on the torch. It'll save on shipping costs.

ESPORTS.CO cannot perform such an operation on your products before shipping. However we do suggest that you order our ESPORTS-Brand Duct Tape, as such should adequately address your desires. ESPORTS.CO encourages the modification of our products for best ESPORTS efficiency.