EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/Vw6mS.png)
The Infested Archon's Guide to Casting Starcraft 2
So you want to become a professional Starcraft 2 caster like these
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/LWdU8.png)
The most professional casters in Starcraft 2+ Show Spoiler +
Couldn't find any funny pictures of J.P. in my 20 second search. Stop being so boring!
Well, you're in luck. The Infested Archon has created a complete guide to help YOU become a professional Starcraft 2 caster. We here at the Infested Archon have been watching Starcraft 2 for over a decade and have compiled this information using our years of experience. This guide is guaranteed to contain everything you need to know to be the best caster in the world.
- Make sure you talk about how there's nothing to talk about in the beginning of a game. The early game is boring, so the best you can do is talk about how boring it is. No one really cares about the spawning positions or analysis of each player's style.
- Be sure to open the APM tab at the beginning so you can show how fast players can select and deselect workers. This is always a good indication of who's going to win the game.
- Jokingly predicting standard openings such as pylon on 9, supply depot on 10, etc. This is funny every time.
- If players are chatting at the start of the game, be sure to talk about their chatter and repeat everything they say. Not all your viewers are literate and the chatting has a great effect on the outcome of the game.
- Always comment on the “metagame.” It doesn't really matter what you say, just say anything while using the word “metagame.” It will always make you look smart.
- Whenever you open the income tab, remark on how strong MULE's are, even if there is no Terran in the game.
- This one is very important. ALWAYS, ALWAYS say that the game you're casting is high level, no matter what the actual skill level of the players is.
- Pretend to be like other casters and use their phrases. For example, comment on large numbers of one unit by saying “There's sooooooo many banelings” or say “terrible, terrible damage” when an army gets destroyed. This will never get old. NEVER.
- Be sure to question every move the players make, since you've watched way more games that they have, so you know more about Starcraft 2 than they do. Exception: make sure you have a favorite player or a few, and praise every little move they make. If they lose a battle or a game, say that it's clearly because of luck.
- Make sure to leave the least relevant tab open at all times. All the tabs contain useless information anyway. The viewers don't look at them anyway and neither should you. In fact, that's a great place for another banner for all the sponsors you're going to get by following this guide.
- Whenever a drop is about to happen, focus your screen on a player macroing or moving his army back and forth. Drops aren't very exciting and rarely do any damage. But, be sure to realize you missed the drop right after it's done, and the drop is being cleaned up..
- When the game is about to end, make sure you say “...and we should see a 'gg' any second now.” If the player takes too long to “gg,” then keep on repeating that phrase in different variations until the player finally leaves. Feel free to insult the player for taking too long to “gg,” because he is wasting your precious time.
Congratulations! You now know all the trade secrets of Starcraft 2 casters. Now you can go out there and get invited to cast all the major Starcraft 2 events. Oh, your name isn't Sean Plott or Marcus Graham? Well... ummm... good luck! I guess you can cast online or something. I hear they play Starcraft 2 in Korea, so maybe try there?
Follow The Infested Archon on twitter for updates and maybe the occasional bad joke: www.twitter.com/InfestedArchon
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