It was so frustrating. I think about myself like some kind of advantage guy in maths field, but it is not enough to have a natural talent to be good at your stuff.
Thing is i quit my studies due to bad results last term, so now i am just another unemployed guy. Here i am in my room, i have been here the whole day, cleaning, thinking and trying to work in some master plan to redo my life now.
But, i cant be born again, this is my life, and this is the result of every little choice i have made in my life. I cant change anything past, just think how to improve in the future.
Last night i dreamed about an ex girlfriend that i had about 3 years ago, i was 22, she 25, and i was studing theather in valparaiso, the most rich in cultural matters city in chile. We were living toghether for about 1 year when she started to go to sleep to her parents, every time more often.
I didnt had anything against that, or to her family, wasnt the first time, sometimes we need some air, we were pretty young for the life we were trying to live. But i was kind of tired of school, so after thinking it a lot i quit. Never more studied theather, but i got some jobs acting, directing, assisting, etc.
Anyway, in that time of mi life, i got insomnia, got robed pretty hard (lost my two guitars, with amps and effects, my backpack, some clothe and my huge analogue camera, kind of all my hobbies at that time. And in middle of all that my girl left me.
For many years i have been alone, single, really enjoing it, its pretty fun to get laid with some girls when you dont actually know their names until the morning. Its pretty fun to lie too... but i had a rule, never lie to a girl that you actually like, it should be a game, and she should be aware that you are not telling truths, i actually tell some girl that i was an astronaut and my name was armando, of course she never believed that, but it was funny and we fuck anyway.
Last night... it is weird, last year i knew a girl, she is not from chile, came to study for just one term, on last spring (fall in europe). And last week she came again, it was pretty wierd, we didnt saw each other in something like a year, 10 months, just mail, some phone calls, its pretty expensive to talk from chile to sweden. Some letters too. Now she is here, im gonna go meeting her after writting this, i saw her yesterday, saturday i stayed at her place, but... why do i dream with my exgirlfriend now? havent done it in 2 years, i think, not even last time we meet, last year, like to singles that go to drink something and finish renting a room for one night in some shitty hotel.
Im so confussed, they are so different, but so alike... one of them is 1.64 cms, dark hair, brown eyes, the other is 1.73 cms, blonde, blue eyes. One is 28 years old right now, the other one is 22. But they both feel the same in so many ways...
Maybe i am seeing carolina´s ghost on ellie´s face... i dont know. Think im gonna think about it today, while having lunch with my girl.
btw, ive got a job now, so i am a little less frustrated, in one week ive got a job and a girl... pretty good, dont you think?