EPT![[image loading]](http://alt.tnt.tv/games/xfiles/images/games_xfiles_ttl.jpg)
I was always a fan of the X-Files as a kid. I got hooked on the show some time in the 5th or 6th grade and never looked back - staying up late every week to catch the latest exploits of my favorite FBI black sheep. My fond memories of the show have never been tainted, even as the quality suffered in later years due to the deparatures of key characters.
So imagine my delight to walk into an electronics store the other day to find the DVDs of my one-time favorite series staring back at me from a promotional shelf - in glorious chronological order. Yes, they were all there and they were on sale!
But to buy one or two seasons would be a waste. Inevitably I would hurt for more until I returned to the store to find them out of stock or vastly more expensive. I did what any man would do. I piled 9 seasons of palpable nerdiness into my arms and proceeded to the checkout.
I usually only get weird looks from women when I'm drunk, but the look I got from the young girl at the cash register was one for the memory banks.
Her: Wow. I guess you found everything ok?
Me: I swear to god I've had sex with women before
Her: (giggly laughter)
From the store shelf to my DVD cabinet the X-Files discs went. And there they sit, waiting.
I'm terrified to tear into this for fear that once begun, the journey cannot be interrupted prior to completion. I will look at the calendar, shocked to see that it is January (which I suppose explains the foot of snow piled over my much neglected car).
My cat's hungry meows will die out until she no longer makes any sound or any CO2. My 421 unheard voicemail messages will mock me, knowing that at one time I actually had people in the outside world willing to contact me. This, the show that I once loved has ultimately destroyed me.
Maybe I'll plug in disc one tonight.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Some facts:
- 9 seasons, an average of 23 episodes per season and 50 minutes per episode = over 7 days of straight viewing. That's roughly 172 hours, or 10300 minutes.
- The 'play-all' function on a DVD is god's way of mocking my lack of self control.
- If I were to spend this time having non-stop sex with women at 30 minutes a pop, I could produce 344 children.
- If half of my children are male, I could start my own 8 team professional hockey league (including backup players and goaltenders).
- My hockey league would be 2 teams larger than the NHL at its inception.
- In wasting 20 minutes at work making this blog post, I would have to make 515 more blog entries in order to equal the time I would miss in watching all episodes back-to-back.
I'd be so fucking embarrassed to buy every season all at once though. I remember once asking someone at Futureshop if they still carried the Unsolved Mysteries DVD collection and I was met with this "and you probably play Dungeons and Dragons late at night and live with your parents" look.
