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Blogs > ilovezil
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ilovezil
Profile Blog Joined August 2006
United States4143 Posts
Last Edited: 2007-06-26 00:41:44
June 25 2007 23:11 GMT
#1
So here I am, bored outta my mind at work. I've decided to write a short story that just came to mind randomly. Comments, criticisms, flames, bombs, and random cat pictures appreciated!


The Golden Horizon - Tranquility Admidst a Busy World


The sun slowly rose on a cozy August morning, revealing its golden rays upon a forest in Texas. Today, not even the morning jay wanted to disturb the peaceful silence that wrapped the woods like a blanket of tranquility. Only the sound of a small trickling stream and a calm breezy wind disrupted the silence. Flowers growing along the bank of the stream danced in sync with the rhythm of the wind. Amidst the order, a certain leaf was carried by the wind and dropped off in an adjacent town. As the great sun made its climb over the horizon, the sun's bright rays shone over the leaf as a little boy bent over to pick it up. A few minutes later, the child's parents were busy getting ready for another day of work. As dawn broke into another day, the town soon came to life with hustling citizens ready to work. Roars were heard as car engines woke from their quiet slumber. In a matter of minutes, the calm wind that came from the forest was no longer a breeze, but a whirlwind of chaos inside the town. As the child stood back and witnessed the events, he looked down once more at the mysterious leaf in his hands and wondered what world it came from.

***
intrigue
Profile Blog Joined November 2005
Washington, D.C9935 Posts
Last Edited: 2007-06-26 00:57:03
June 26 2007 00:33 GMT
#2
it's spelled 'amidst'
good effort with descriptions, but they are too over-the-top and the sheer number of prepositions you use is a bit overwhelming (takes away a lot of the effect)

it depends a lot on style but passive voice is a bit weak here and also complicates the wordiness issue for your type of story.

there's also not enough movement in your introduction, which makes it difficult to focus. from the writer's perspective it is easy to appreciate your own details, but readers are not as patient. with your Super Pressure (aka sensory-adjective filled) style it might be helpful to change the camera perspective/focus to effect more fluidity.

for example here's a different approach you could use to open:

the wind carries an oak leaf softly over flowers busy saluting an August sunrise. the sound is nearly imperceptible, but a small trickling stream augments and illuminates it. today, the morning world is tranquil like the auburn sky, and a little boy scurries to catch the leaf.
Moderatorsloppy little slug
ilovezil
Profile Blog Joined August 2006
United States4143 Posts
Last Edited: 2007-06-26 00:42:25
June 26 2007 00:37 GMT
#3
On June 26 2007 09:33 intrigue wrote:
it's spelled 'amidst'
good effort with descriptions, but they are too over-the-top and the sheer number of prepositions you use is a bit overwhelming (takes away a lot of the effect)

it also depends a lot on style but passive voice is a bit weak here and also complicates the wordiness issue for your type of story.


Word. I just kinda pulled this outta nowhere, but I do agree I used too many prepositions. I'll edit this now, see how it goes.

EDIT: Damn, editting's a bit harder than I thought

EDIT 2: Bah, I editted a lot of overused words out, but still sounds...crappy. So much for creative writing - -;
NonY
Profile Blog Joined June 2007
8751 Posts
June 26 2007 00:39 GMT
#4
[image loading]
"Fucking up is part of it. If you can't fail, you have to always win. And I don't think you can always win." Elliott Smith ---------- Yet no sudden rage darkened his face, and his eyes were calm as they studied her. Then he smiled. 'Witness.'
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