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Why do we celebrate Christmas? Well, to be perfectly honest, most people celebrate it because they are selfish ASSHOLES who think they deserve presents even though they don't. Also, there is a huge portion of the population that doesn't even celebrate, and they don't even believe in Santa Claus or Christmas Magic. Those people are wrong. Santa is real and Christmas Magic is real. How do you think the gifts get under the tree? It's obvious: Santa Claus comes to your house, and breaks a window with his elbow. He has to do this because most people don't have chimneys anymore. Then he puts the presents under the tree, eats the milk and cookies, then repairs the broken window with his elf-magic, because he's half-elf.
Why does Santa do this? Because, fucker, it's Christmas. And why do we have Christmas? Because of Jesus. I want to tell you the story of Jesus so that you heareth and believeth and be saved from the fiery pit of Hell, MN. And if you're a fucking Atheist
Anyhow, I hope you fucking repent and share in the glory of Heaven instead of being a dipshit who ends up in Hell. If you don't repent, I hope you end up in Hell for being such a goddamn idiot. Other than that, God bless you, and God bless President Trump.
Story of Jesus:
Once upon a time, there was no New Testament of the Bible. People only read the Old Testament and were like, "Why's it called the Old Testament if there's no New Testament?" and also this was before Google and microchips and iphones, so nobody could look it up. All they had was scrolls. The Egyptians wrote on the walls with nitroglycerin or whatever though. In the book of Isaiah, though, it was written:
"Jesus will be born on 3 A.D. in Bethlehem, and his name will be Jesus. Not Emmanuel."
This is the lineage of Jesus:
God begat Jesus. And it was. As for Jesus' adoptive father Joseph, here's where he came from: Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begot Jacob and Jacob begot Joseph and Joseph begat someone else that is irrelevant because Jesus didn't come from Joseph, but Jacob begat Judah and Judah begat Perez (who was Mexican) and Perez begot Hezron and Herzron begat Salmon (he named him after a fish) and Salmon begot Ram and Ram begot Boaz and Boaz begot Obed and Obed begot Jesse Pinkman and Jesse Pinkman begot David and David begetted Solomon and Solomon begot Rehoboam and Rehoboam begot Abijah and Abijah begot Asa and Asa begot Jehoshaphat and Jehoshaphat begot Joram and Joram begot Uzziah and Uzziah begot Jotham and Jotham begot Ahaz and Ahaz begot Hezekiah and Hezekiah begot Manasseh and Manasseh begot Amon and Amon begot Josiah and Josiah begot Jeconiah and Jeconiah begot Shealtiel and Shealtiel begat Zerubbabel and Zerubbabel begot Zeratul and Zeratul begot Eliakim and Eliakim begot Azor and Jethro begot Zadok and Zadok begot Achim and Achim begot Eliud and Eliud begot Eleazar, and Eleazar begot Matthan and Matthan begot Jacob and Jacob begot Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus who is called Christ.
Did you get all that? None of it is important, cuz remember, Joseph is not Jesus' real dad.
Now before Mary and Joseph were married, Joseph walked in and saw Mary was pregnant. He asked her, "How was babby formed?" to which Mary replied, "God made me pregnant." Joseph flipped a desk. Mary began sobbing as Joseph began destroying items in the house in his rage. "Who did you fuck!?" Joseph kept screaming, over and over, but Mary was like, "I didn't fuck nobody!" and Joseph went and told everybody he knew that Mary was a fucking whore. He went to every bar in Bethlehem, declaring: "My brothers, my wife-to-be, she is but a whore among whores, the abomination of Bethlehem, and I shall tell her father to stone her, that she may deceive me no more!!"
But an angel came to Joseph in a dream and said, "Joseph. You're being a fucking asshole right now."
"Fuck you." Joseph replied, angrily.
"No, fuck you." The Angel responded.
"You... you piece of shit. Coming into my dreams talking to me like you know me. Bitch, you don't know me."
"Shut the fuck up."
"Make me."
So the angel beat the shit out of Joseph, and ended the fight by slamming Joseph's face into a counter-top. Joseph rolled around in pain and proclaimed, "You win! I am undone!"
"Did you think you were gonna fuck with an Angel of The Lord, you fat fuck?" the Angel asked smugly.
"Bitch, come at me. I will fuck you."
The Angel ran up and kicked Joseph while Joseph was on the ground because Joseph would not stop talking shit, even when totally defeated. "I am so sick of your shit..." the Angel muttered.
"I fucked your bitch last night." Joseph replied.
The Angel freaked out and lost his shit. A bunch of other angels had to hold him back to prevent another fight from breaking out. "Let him go!" Joseph yelled, adding, "See what happens! I'll fuck ya boy up." and so the Angel and Joseph had to be separated for awhile so they could get their shit together. After talking Joseph and the Angel down, the other angels let them be in the same room to sit down and talk it out.
Both of them just sat in silence for a long time, not saying anything. A few angels stood between them with their arms crossed, waiting for one of them to stop being so stubborn. Finally, Joseph said, "What the fuck, guys? This guy comes into my dream, calls me an asshole, then jumps me when I totally wasn't ready. He got a lucky punch in and thinks he kicked my ass and I bet he's gonna tell all his angel buddies how he beat my ass and shit. Why am I being treated like the bad guy?"
The Angel looked up and said, "I was sent here to tell you that God fucked your bitch. That baby is God's baby."
"Fuck off." Joseph replied.
"Listen, you piece of shit, I may not like you, but I'm not lying right now. You think she just slept with some fuckboy for a few shekels? Nah man, Mary wouldn't do you like that. Stop blaming her. This ain't her fault. You should've KNOWN God was gonna do His thing. And so you know, he got her preggers with one thrust... they don't call him the 'Almighty' for nothing."
"If that's true, then how about her and God get married? Not try to pawn his bastard kid off on me? What did I ever do to deserve this? How will I explain this to my family?"
"Just tell 'em it's yours."
"Yeah, but they're gonna know that's either a lie, or I had sex with Mary before marriage. Either way, I'm fucked."
"Joseph, be a cuck for God."
"Nah fuck that, I'm good."
"Well, then tell your family your bitch dishonored you by sleeping with another man and be disgraced for life. They'll all laugh at you and say 'Joseph's wife was with another! How disgraceful!' and will link hands in a circle around you and dance while laughing at your shame as you stand there, totally naked, with your virgin penis showing off that you never were able to be with your wife, you little fucking faggot."
Just then, Joseph woke up and ejaculated because he had a wet dream. "Damn it. Lilith must've jacked me off in my sleep." Joseph exclaimed. "That was a weird fucking dream. But it probably was for legits."
So the next day, Joseph went to Mary's house and said to her, "Listen, I'm sorry I called you a whore of Babylon. I believe you. God made a baby in your pussy, evidently."
Mary smiled and said, "Isn't it wonderful!?"
Then Jesus got born. After Jesus was born, a group of wisemen from "The East" came to King Herod, who wasn't really a king, and said to him: "We heard the king of the Jews was born in Bethlehem. We came to worship him."
"Who the hell are you guys?" Herod inquired.
+ Show Spoiler +
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The wisemen looked at one another and replied, "We... we're wisemen. From the East. You know... the East."
"I'm the King of the Jews. You found me."
"No, we totally know about Jewish prophecies and we saw a star in the East and decided it meant the prophecy had been fulfilled because we often go on long, perilous journeys that take years based on superstition and hunches."
"So... you're from the East but saw a star in the East? Why wouldn't you go further east, then?"
"We went west by accident. So, where's the child?"
"What child!? What the hell are you talking about?"
"You know what the fuck we mean."
Herod felt like this child could spell trouble for him because some random guys from The East who were never properly identified in any texts said this to him, so he decided to commit murder. "I don't know where the child is." Herod said, adding, "But if you find him, bring him to me, that I may kill him I mean worship him."
So the wisemen went and followed the star in the sky that everybody could plainly see and Herod could have totally followed if anyone had bothered to tell him about it, and came to the house where Joseph and Mary were in, and it wasn't a manger. It was a regular house, and there were no horses and Jesus was sleeping in a regular bed made out of wood.
The wisemen bowed down to Jesus and presented gifts of gold, frankenstein, and myrrh. Because of this, people assume there were three wisemen because of three gifts. But actually, there were like ninety of them. The house was packed full of wisemen. Also, you can't spell "wisemen" without "semen". They were, indeed, as numerous as the sperms in a standard emission of human ejaculate. Joseph and Mary just stood there as all these grown men worshiped their baby. Finally, Mary said, "Get out of my house." so they all left.
The wisemen were told via angel to return home and not to go to Herod. They each were told in individual dreams, and in each one's dream, they got into a bar fight with the angel-messenger sent to them.
When the wisemen did not return to Herod, he became furious, and punched a 10-year-old in the face. Then he ordered, "Kill every single baby boy in the town of Bethlehem." and so, Herod's soldiers went and slaughtered all the infant boys of Bethlehem and blood was everywhere, but Jesus, Mary and Joseph got away and went to Egypt for awhile. So anyhow, that's why we have Christmas. The end.
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STARCRAFT!
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