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I've been debating about writing a blog on Team Liquid for awhile, but whenever I get the urge to, I really can't come up with a topic to write about. This time I do. Depending on how well things go, I may make more. I'm probably not the most interesting person, but hey why not? Warning: I tend to write a lot.
A little background about myself might help you guys understand me. I'm in my early twenties and if you guys can't tell by me username, I suffer from something called schizoid personality disorder. I don't think many people will know what it is since no one ever does. I'll give you a little explanation on it. The main thing is that I lack a desire to socialize. I don't mean that I don't like social situations(sometimes I do due to my social anxiety), I just don't have the desire. I asked my friends about it and they said they find it really hard to go through a day without talking to someone. I can sometimes go weeks without uttering so much as a word. Another big side effect is that I lack empathy. Like I don't think I've ever really understood someone's emotions. Usually I just change the subject, walk away or use my default phrase. 'I bet that must suck for you.' The last side effect is one I think almost all schizoids that have it and struggle with it the must. It's anhedonia. To put it simply, it's the inability to feel pleasure. Obviously is varies by severity and I'm glad mine isn't as bad as I've heard others describe. I'm glad that gaming and anime make me happy. I will admit that I've went through some tough times when it gets bad. It's hard to stay positive when the couple of things you love doing, don't do anything for you. I think other people get like that at times, but I think the severity isn't as much. I find a little comfort in that at least.
I'll talk about the effects that aren't well as major as those. We do have a preoccupation with fantasy. Almost every schizoid I've talked to, has some kind of very detailed fantasy world. We'd never ever tell anyone what is in them however. It's something extremely private and I don't think I could ever talk about. I know it's a trait that's in schizophrenia as well, but the difference is that schizoids can tell the difference between fantasy and reality. We also really have a hard time with social norms and conventions. Schizoids are inherently socially inept. For a reason I'll explain soon. When you don't socialize with people, you don't know how to handle things concerning social situations. Like for example, I have a hard time understanding people. I don't think that will ever change. From what I understand, people understand others since they use themselves to compare against others. Based on my own difficulties understanding and expressing my own emotions, I certainly couldn't do it for other people. Another thing, is that we don't really like relationships of any kind. Even being apart of a family bothers us. I've cut contact with a lot of my family already. It won't be long to cut the rest.
That's what being a schizoid is in a nutshell. Obviously we have some coping mechanisms that protect us. Schizoids are really private people. I have friends that I've know for a decade who know next to nothing about me. One of our coping mechanisms, is to have social persona. We have a persona to handle social situations. Mine for example, is very stoic and closed off which is similar to me. It's how we keep our true selves safe and locked away. It seems silly to some people to have an entire persona for social situations, but I don't think I could have made it this far without it. The other one is to repress my emotions. Both good and bad unfortunately. I went through most of teenage years not feeling a thing. Which was both good and bad since I struggled with depression at that time. I think if I felt the emotions in my mind, it would've overloaded me and I probably would have done something stupid to say the least. It's why I don't understand my emotions since I've repressed them naturally at a young age in order to save myself. Sure I couldn't feel the good emotions, but it also blocked out the bad ones. I think it was a crucial coping mechanism.
They say the traits start to become apparent in teenage years, but I felt I had them ever since I was younger. They were never nearly as severe as they are now, but looking back I definitely see the hints that nobody else told me about. From what I understand, both my extended family and friends thought something was wrong with me, but they did nothing to help me understand it or even become aware of it. I think if I was aware of it earlier then I did, I could have coped and handled it better. This was more of an informative post then me telling stories. I don't mind telling them if people are interested in them. I know I have a lot of them. They range from schizoid personality disorder, social anxiety, depression and let's not forget insomnia. Thanks for reading. This helps me collect my thoughts and organize them. I've been keeping an online journal for it, but I don't mind sharing on team liquid if people want to read them.
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To me you seem a lot like Batman before he found himself
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On February 12 2016 01:47 pebble444 wrote:
To me you seem a lot like Batman before he found himself
From what I remember, Batman seems like a schizoid. He fits the criteria of being a covert schizoid which means his social persona(Bruce Wayne), is the total opposite of who he really is. If he's not a full fledged schizoid, he might have been in a schizoid state which is the same traits, just not permanent. My knowledge about superheroes is dodgy to say the least, but from what I remember reading and watching he does seem a lot like one.
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why are you on teamliquid? what brought you here to the site and what made you want to share to this particular audience
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Reading your blog post taught me a lot about a disorder that I know nothing about. Thanks for the information, and thanks for sharing a little bit of your life with us 
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Interesting blog. I didn't know about this disorder either. I'd like to know the mind of a schizoid a bit more. Can I get a link to your journal? Or just keep making more blogs!
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I thought schizoid referred to a separation? Is the "schizoid" part the separation between your public and private personas?
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On February 12 2016 02:34 BeStFAN wrote:
why are you on teamliquid? what brought you here to the site and what made you want to share to this particular audience
Well I've lurked on here for several years. I still like watching starcraft 2 from time to time and the writeups made by members on events are quite good. It's what kept me coming back here. I think by writing it down and seeing what others think, helps me understand myself. I have a hyperactive brain which is always thinking about something. As you can imagine, you do a lot of thinking and it can be quite confusing at times. Yes it diagnosed and it's the reason for my insomnia.
On February 12 2016 02:40 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Reading your blog post taught me a lot about a disorder that I know nothing about. Thanks for the information, and thanks for sharing a little bit of your life with us
That was my intention. It affects probably less then 1% of the population. I know more have it, but I think very few people have it bad enough where it becomes a disorder. Considering someone only needs to fit 4 of 9 criteria to be diagnosed with it, it varies in severity a lot. There's other things you need to have as well for it, but that's mainly referring to the criteria for having a personality disorder in general since there are a few of them.
On February 12 2016 04:46 Silvana wrote:Interesting blog. I didn't know about this disorder either. I'd like to know the mind of a schizoid a bit more. Can I get a link to your journal? Or just keep making more blogs!
I think I will make more blogs since they are helpful to me. Collecting and organizing my thoughts is something I have a hard time with. Seems easier to communicate myself through writing then other ways.
On February 12 2016 06:31 Jerubaal wrote:
I thought schizoid referred to a separation? Is the "schizoid" part the separation between your public and private personas?
Well for awhile it actually referred to someone that has schizophrenia. It's been redefined as someone that has a personality type characterized by emotional aloofness and solitary habits. So quite a few people are "schizoids", but only very few of them have it as a disorder. Seeing as how a disorder is either something that makes it hard to function or not being able to function society. I've seen schizoids on both ends of that spectrum. Some can't even hold down jobs. I remember reading a story where someone got fired because he distanced himself from his co-workers. Most workplaces have certain social requirements that I know I could never do. I found one that doesn't have that and I'm fortunate for that.
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This blog was much more interesting than I thought it would be. I hope you keep blogging so I can read more and learn more about you.
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You know, from time to time, there are these moments, where you read/learn/hear about some topic, and then later in the day, in a completely different setting, that topic comes up again.
I just learned about this in class earlier today! (well, "learned" is probably pushing it. we just kind of went over it)
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On February 12 2016 10:38 Cauld wrote:
This blog was much more interesting than I thought it would be. I hope you keep blogging so I can read more and learn more about you.
I think I'll write a blog tonight on a subject I think people will find interesting.
On February 12 2016 11:20 don_kyuhote wrote:
You know, from time to time, there are these moments, where you read/learn/hear about some topic, and then later in the day, in a completely different setting, that topic comes up again.
I just learned about this in class earlier today! (well, "learned" is probably pushing it. we just kind of went over it)
I wouldn't trust what you "learned" today in class. All the published data about schizoids is incredibly old. Due to this they have been trying to remove it as a disorder. There isn't enough schizoids who come forward to participate in studies to gather any meaningful information. Most schizoids who come forward suffer from other illnesses that they seek help for. They still don't have the slightest clue as to what causes it. They've narrowed it down to a couple theories, but it's one of those things that will stay mysteries since they don't have any way to gather data as to what caused it, let alone help someone who has it.
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On February 12 2016 02:09 ApatheticSchizoid wrote:Show nested quote +On February 12 2016 01:47 pebble444 wrote:
To me you seem a lot like Batman before he found himself From what I remember, Batman seems like a schizoid. He fits the criteria of being a covert schizoid which means his social persona(Bruce Wayne), is the total opposite of who he really is. If he's not a full fledged schizoid, he might have been in a schizoid state which is the same traits, just not permanent. My knowledge about superheroes is dodgy to say the least, but from what I remember reading and watching he does seem a lot like one.
I think this is more you identifying with Batman than him actually being schizoid. A lot of people who identify with fictional characters tend to impose their personal traits on said characters.
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On February 12 2016 22:06 Nikon wrote:Show nested quote +On February 12 2016 02:09 ApatheticSchizoid wrote:On February 12 2016 01:47 pebble444 wrote:
To me you seem a lot like Batman before he found himself From what I remember, Batman seems like a schizoid. He fits the criteria of being a covert schizoid which means his social persona(Bruce Wayne), is the total opposite of who he really is. If he's not a full fledged schizoid, he might have been in a schizoid state which is the same traits, just not permanent. My knowledge about superheroes is dodgy to say the least, but from what I remember reading and watching he does seem a lot like one. I think this is more you identifying with Batman than him actually being schizoid. A lot of people who identify with fictional characters tend to impose their personal traits on said characters.
Well it has been several years since I've watched anything having to do with it, so I could be misremembering.
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Has your IQ ever been diagnosed OP ?
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On February 13 2016 02:43 Mysti_ wrote:
Has your IQ ever been diagnosed OP ?
Nope. I've honestly never really had any desire to get an IQ test. It's one of those things, I was interested in. I'm curious as to why you're asking though.
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On February 12 2016 22:40 ApatheticSchizoid wrote:Show nested quote +On February 12 2016 22:06 Nikon wrote:On February 12 2016 02:09 ApatheticSchizoid wrote:On February 12 2016 01:47 pebble444 wrote:
To me you seem a lot like Batman before he found himself From what I remember, Batman seems like a schizoid. He fits the criteria of being a covert schizoid which means his social persona(Bruce Wayne), is the total opposite of who he really is. If he's not a full fledged schizoid, he might have been in a schizoid state which is the same traits, just not permanent. My knowledge about superheroes is dodgy to say the least, but from what I remember reading and watching he does seem a lot like one. I think this is more you identifying with Batman than him actually being schizoid. A lot of people who identify with fictional characters tend to impose their personal traits on said characters. Well it has been several years since I've watched anything having to do with it, so I could be misremembering.
I might be wrong, I haven't really psychoanalised Batman, but people have the tendency to see themselves in others. It's a prerequisite for empathy, I think.
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On February 13 2016 04:39 Nikon wrote:
I might be wrong, I haven't really psychoanalised Batman, but people have the tendency to see themselves in others. It's a prerequisite for empathy, I think.
I don't find myself in him. I'm quite different from him. I'm very different from him since I'm a overt and he sounds a lot more like a covert. He still seems to be able to function decently well though even if he does have it. If I had to guess, his cause for getting would be how he grew up. I got mine through genetics. Schizophrenia runs in my family. Which means I'm at an increased risk for developing schizophrenia, schizoid personality disorder and schizotypal personality disorder. To me that seems more likely since a few of my traits started to appear quite young. Even googling Batman + schizoid garners multiple opinions on it as well.
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when/how did you finally get diagnosed, and what therapies are you doing now?
best of luck to you, I hope you find these blogs as useful as people find them interesting!
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On February 14 2016 00:28 QuanticHawk wrote:
when/how did you finally get diagnosed, and what therapies are you doing now?
best of luck to you, I hope you find these blogs as useful as people find them interesting!
Me being a schizoid is the only I haven't had diagnosed. There aren't any benefits to getting diagnosed and there's no current accepted forms of therapy or medication for it. So it'd just be something on a piece of paper that may or may not come back to haunt me. When I had clinical depression in high school, I had that diagnosed. I missed quite a few days of school due to it, so if I did need a doctor's note, I could get one. My social anxiety has been diagnosed, but he advised me against taking anti-anxieties since they didn't have an effect on me. My insomnia has been diagnosed as well. It's caused by brain hyperactivity and I was given various anti-anxieties for it, but none of them had any effect on me. I'm wasn't too keen on having heavy narcotics in me if they weren't helping.
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Thanks for answering.
maybe it's worth a revisit since these things clearly impact you on a daily basis? Just because one pill/dr sucked doesn't mean they all do. Doubly so for meds. One pill or dosage might not effect you at all but another might, etc.
best of luck!
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On February 14 2016 01:05 QuanticHawk wrote:
Thanks for answering.
maybe it's worth a revisit since these things clearly impact you on a daily basis? Just because one pill/dr sucked doesn't mean they all do. Doubly so for meds. One pill or dosage might not effect you at all but another might, etc.
best of luck!
That's just the thing. There isn't any medication out there that will combat the effects of schizoid personality disorder. My depression is hopefully gone, but there's no way to tell for sure. My social anxiety can be dealt with as long as social interactions stay short. My insomnia will never be as bad as was. I get around 6 hours of sleep a night and I'm sure for most of you that's not enough. When staying up for 2 or 3 days at a time becomes normal, you'll gladly take 6 hours a night. At it's worst, I was staying up for like a week straight at times. They were miserable weeks. Schizoid personality disorder is all that's left. Sure it impacts me on a daily basis, but when there's no known cure for it, you don't really care about being diagnosed. Hell they can't even decide on why it occurs at all.
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The reason why i posted the Batman is of him finding his inner path. When Bruce Wayne looses his parents, he undergoes a traumatic event that marks his life path. From here, his character reminds me a lot of the things you are saying about youself. You like to be alone, to develop, to assest, to do your thing. You seek to find your inner path. Thats what Bruce does for 10+ years. He barely speaks to others, and so when he does, he has difficulty relating and having a conversation. Even when he goes to Asia, he prefers to operate alone. He barely speaks to others. He learns to listen, and he goes on a quest to ultimate his inner path. When he is all done, he comes back and re-enters society in a way that is accepatble and works for him. He develops the Character of Wayne, helping others and developing his Economic Empire. While being polite, social and "normal". Still, this is not enough, so he develops the persona of Justice-man, by whatever means necessary, and he re-enters society as the masked Justice-man. Still talking to others and enteracting. When he does so he still finds time for himself. By putting up masks and barriers, he enables himself to enteract and lead the kind of life that he wants, dedicating some hours to himself, some to society, some to his dream.
This is not unlike many people who live life. Time for yourself is always needed. Some take 1 hour a week, some 1 hour a day, some 3 hours a day. Dedicating to your job, and dedicating to your dream.
Of course, the oppurtunity he has may be different from many others, only due to the fact that he is surrounded by loving and caring people, and has billions of dollars at his disposal. He still had to endure the hardship of his own quest, finding his inner fear, and transforming his fear into Power.
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On February 15 2016 17:12 pebble444 wrote:
The reason why i posted the Batman is of him finding his inner path. When Bruce Wayne looses his parents, he undergoes a traumatic event that marks his life path. From here, his character reminds me a lot of the things you are saying about youself. You like to be alone, to develop, to assest, to do your thing. You seek to find your inner path. Thats what Bruce does for 10+ years. He barely speaks to others, and so when he does, he has difficulty relating and having a conversation. Even when he goes to Asia, he prefers to operate alone. He barely speaks to others. He learns to listen, and he goes on a quest to ultimate his inner path. When he is all done, he comes back and re-enters society in a way that is accepatble and works for him. He develops the Character of Wayne, helping others and developing his Economic Empire. While being polite, social and "normal". Still, this is not enough, so he develops the persona of Justice-man, by whatever means necessary, and he re-enters society as the masked Justice-man. Still talking to others and enteracting. When he does so he still finds time for himself. By putting up masks and barriers, he enables himself to enteract and lead the kind of life that he wants, dedicating some hours to himself, some to society, some to his dream.
This is not unlike many people who live life. Time for yourself is always needed. Some take 1 hour a week, some 1 hour a day, some 3 hours a day. Dedicating to your job, and dedicating to your dream.
Of course, the oppurtunity he has may be different from many others, only due to the fact that he is surrounded by loving and caring people, and has billions of dollars at his disposal. He still had to endure the hardship of his own quest, finding his inner fear, and transforming his fear into Power.
I think I see quite a few differences now that you talked about what you meant by mentioning him. Now it seems like it's night and day between me and him. I have no interest of rejoining society. Not that I've ever really been apart of it. I've already developed my inner self. I know what I like and don't like to put it simply. When there's not even a handful of things you like, it's not hard. I know there's a lot more to your inner self then that, but describing it in detail would take too long. Self-awareness is a trait I have in spades.
He seems to have a lot of empathy. It sounds like he wants to help people. Schizoids lack empathy and I couldn't be happier about it. Sure it makes for a few awkward conversations here and there, but it just seems easier. Well I know that's not true. Schizoids do have emotions on a subconscious level. There's probably a few reasons why they don't surface for me at least. I've been repressing my emotions for years and I'm not sure how or what would happen if I just opened the flood gates. I'll paraphrase something someone said on another forum that will explain it better then I ever will.
"Schizoids are only schizoids because they're oversensitive individuals. This is essentially why the split occurs; to protect oneself from emotional damage."
He was referring to the split that happens between us and our social persona. When you're an overly sensitive person, you really can't handle emotions. I remember a few months ago when I felt jealousy for the first time. I was scared, angry and confused all at once. It took me weeks just to sort out what I felt and it why. To many people I'm sure they can do it naturally, I can't. Naturally it became second nature to repress every emotion to save myself any damage that might've been caused. We really can't handle our emotions at all and it can become a vicious cycle after awhile. We also lack the ability to process them as well. Regular people usually understand why they're irritated or mad, I really don't. A lot of work is required for me to think through emotions so I can find the root of them.
Back to the whole if I had a billion dollars things. He spends it to accomplish his dreams and to help people. I'd use that money to live a secluded life. I'd move to rural Japan since that's my dream. I'd pay people to bring me whatever supplies I'd need so I wouldn't have to deal with any thing like going to the grocery store. As long as it has really good internet and a stable internet connection, I'd be set. I'm sure I didn't explain things right, but it made since to me at least.
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EPT
