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My step father died yesterday and I haven't cried at all yet. I find this really odd. About a week ago I talked with him and we accepted his time was coming, he told me he was proud of me and how I took care of my children was inspiring given how I am disabled myself. And when we had this conversation I cried my eyes out. But here I am sitting here after helping take care of my mother all day getting her everything she needed or wanted.
But I am sitting here alone while she sleeps downstairs. And I am wondering where the tears are. I am the type of person who cried when my aunts dog who I didn't really like died. So why am I not crying when someone who helped shape my life dies. Did I turn into some heartless person.
He married my mother when I was 6 years old, and we didn't always get along. But I know he did everything he could for my mother and helped me anyway he could. I didnt call him dad. He was always Mike to me. I kept my fathers last name even though he wanted to adopt me. And to be honest I was 11 years old at the time and the only reason I didnt take his last name was because it would make me Joseph Johnson and there was a mentally handicapped kid at our school named Joey Johnson and I didn't want to have the same last name as that kid...
I guess I am rambling now. I just wish I would cry. I have checked on my mother and saw her in heavy tears and just wondered why I wasn't joining her.
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United States22883 Posts
It doesn't always set in immediately. It took a few weeks for me to stop and realize it, when I lost someone very close.
I'm sorry for your loss.
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On November 04 2015 12:19 Onegu wrote:
My step father died yesterday and I haven't cried at all yet. I find this really odd. About a week ago I talked with him and we accepted his time was coming,he told me he was proud of me and how I took care of my children was inspiring given how I am disabled myself. And when we had this conversation I cried my eyes out. But here I am sitting here after helping take care of my mother all day getting her everything she needed or wanted.
But I am sitting here alone while she sleeps downstairs. And I am wondering where the tears are. I am the type of person who cried when my aunts dog who I didn't really like died. So why am I not crying when someone who helped shape my life dies. Did I turn into some heartless person.
He married my mother when I was 6 years old, and we didn't always get along. But I know he did everything he could for my mother and helped me anyway he could. I didnt call him dad. He was always Mike to me. I kept my fathers last name even though he wanted to adopt me. And to be honest I was 11 years old at the time and the only reason I didnt take his last name was because it would make me Joseph Johnson and there was a mentally handicapped kid at our school named Joey Johnson and I didn't want to have the same last name as that kid...
I guess I am rambling now. I just wish I would cry. I have checked on my mother and saw her in heavy tears and just wondered why I wasn't joining her.
No you don't have to cry. Not crying isn't a form of not loving a person.
Crying is just a cultural thing. Compare it to Thai culture
What struck me was that there was no crying, people wore white shirts and were respectful, but not downtrodden. Kids had come from school, still dressed in their school uniforms and thoroughly enjoyed the dinner that was served. As I was told and have come to learn, death in Buddhism is not viewed in the same as death in the Western religions. In the Western world we work to stave off death and do not talk about death; it is a sad event that dominates our thoughts and conversations as we age. The opposite happens in Buddhism, death is address in the teachings and is something to be learned from.
A funeral is not a place of crying and sadness. It is the acknowledgment that someone had died, and that we will all die (that was part of the teaching of the monks at the funeral); a time to appreciate what someone meant to others, but not feel sorrow for their death.
http://faranginbangkok.com/2010/01/07/buddhist-funeral/
I am noticing the similarities. You have too much feelings of respect, acceptance and appreciation for him to be crying.
You have been able to accept his death and you respect him for what he did which was exactly why you didn't cry. Same thing happened with my grandmother. The people who took care of her the most during her dying days didn't cry, and the people in my family weren't Buddhists either. My cousin who came from Europe wanting to meet her but ended up only attending her funeral didn't cry either, he was the type to call my grandmother from Europe every Chinese New Year.
During the funeral we were laughing and joking (I seldom get to meet my cousin so it was like a 3 day reunion) and we were telling stories about our grandmother. The only thing was at times my father stopped me because I was laughing too loudly (in Chinese traditional culture you were supposed to be grieving). Before she died she was talking about wanting to die so I guess she was finally relieved.
For another example from the Western world
As in other Celtic countries, Irish mourners adopted the custom as a way to keep vigil over their dead until the time of burial, and it evolved into an occasion mixed with both sadness and merriment.
Lewd songs, pranks, and games with names like "Priest of the Parish" and "Hide the Gulley" were commonplace at wakes up until the mid-1900s.
Even contests of strength, which included lifting the corpse, were common.
http://www.irishcentral.com/roots/the-truth-about-the-irish-wake-lewd-songs-pranks-were-part-of-the-tradition-174087771-237533321.html
Let me put it this way, I am an agostic, but if there's such a thing as an afterlife, I would not want to see everybody depressed and crying at my funeral. I'd rather see them happy.
All the best.
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You don't always have to cry. You shouldn't feel heartless because you haven't cried yet. It's not some requirement that when someone close to us passes that we have to cry. I wish you and your mother the best.
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You know the only time I really really cried was when I woke up one day 2-3 months later and just dialed his number and the line was dead. That hit me like a lightning bolt out of nowhere.
Don't worry about being heartless, just saying, especially if you are a very empathic person. This might be the only time where you should stop worrying a bit about the others and maybe let yourself go a bit.
And if you are really tired of people telling you how sorry they are, just follow the most simple rule of griefing:
The moment you can't stand the next 10 people telling you about how they relate to your loss, just hug them. Usually shuts them up.
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That's even worse. It means it's building up and it's gonna hit you all at once when you least expect it  .
I feel so much for you Onegu. My step-father is one of the most important people in my life and he's taught me so much about what it means to work hard and dedicate yourself.
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When my father died, I felt empty that day. There was no sadness or any emotion at all. It was just surreal for me and I was only 15 at that moment. The emotions really hit you, once you realize the circumstances to the fullest. Realize that this person is gone, forever. Ye even if you rationally know that this is the case, you'd still have to accept it. For me it was at the funeral, when I literally fell apart and cried my heart out.
But I understand you. Sometimes, when I look back to that day, I always ask myself, why I was so distant and emotionless. I was really calm and even did "all the right things", like telling my brother to try re-animating my father, whilst I was going for the phone calling the ambulance. The only real feeling I had on that day was anger. Anger towards the paramedic, taking their time, instead of rushing into the appartment. But other than that, I felt like standing outside of my own body, watching from the distance. Really frustrating in that moment and afterwards, because I have had regrets about being so calm about that tragedy.
All I want to say is that you do not have to question yourself or your emotions. Everyone is entitled to mourn like they want to. And if you are an emotional person, like you said, I am sure there will be sadness eventually. Just be strong and help your mother. She is probably the most affected person, but tries to be strong for you and the others. So be there for her, she needs it!
My condolences!
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kitaman27
United States9245 Posts
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You'll realize the loss soon enough I guess. Don't feel bad because you're not crying. Condolences to you and your family .
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I need some days to realize. Happened to 2 persons and 1 pet (bunny, 12yrs old, died at feb'15). I just had bad mood at first days but then at funeral...
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United Kingdom36161 Posts
Sorry to hear that man.
Don't worry about not crying. The fact you're worrying about it means your character is just dandy :p
When my grandfather died I was very matter of fact about it for quite a while, it only hit me later.
Everyone deals with bereavement differently and it hits you at different times (or perhaps not at all). That doesn't make you any less of a nice or empathetic person.
All the best my dear, see you on mafia 
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You can try watching a sad story to get the tears going. Then when you're crying you might think about people you've lost. Sometimes it's a slow building process. Peace.
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Thanks for all the well wishes. And my mafia homies. His funeral is this friday.
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EPT
