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I feel an obsessive, compulsive need to be better than everyone around me.
I can't remember when and why it all started. Maybe it was because I was frequently ostracized and/or bullied when I was in elementary and high school. Maybe it's because I'm a short and scrawny guy who, at 160cm and 55 kg, can't "measure up" to the other guys. Maybe it's because of my lack of accomplishments, or my hate for the way I look when I see myself in the mirror.
Whatever it is, it has led to an obsession whenever I start out on a goal or mission to achieve something that I think matters to me. I wouldn't say that this obsession to be perfect is all bad - since it serves as a great motivation for me to work hard at my goals. It was the case with SC2, and public speaking, now it's running. But it's because of this same obsession that I react to failure terribly - I hate myself when I perform badly, or do not improve.
And it doesn't end there. I fantasize all the time. About being rich. About being buff, fit and athletic. About being tall and handsome. About being the guy with the hottest girlfriend. I hate it when I see people in a better state than I am. I wonder - what did that person do to deserve his lot in life, and what did I do to deserve mine? Hate is the emotion I feel more than half of the time, the rest is mostly envy.
I think I need some fixing. Both mentally and emotionally.
 
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Been there. Perfection is impossible. You need to start loving and stop hating people, aka pursue God and your problems will be solved one by one.
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On June 06 2015 03:03 duck.fit wrote:
Been there. Perfection is impossible. You need to start loving and stop hating people, aka pursue God and your problems will be solved one by one.
Unfortunately there is no God. The other part is true tho - you should start loving people and start appreciating what you have.
I know that's easier said that done 'cause I suffer from the same problem but that should be the direction to take.
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On June 06 2015 02:20 Clazziquai10 wrote:
About being buff, fit and athletic.
fantasizing is boring.
make it happen.
to improve grace and co-ordination i recommend 2 things:
1)introductory yoga...
2)deep breathing and deep relaxation... Dr. Eli Bay.
when your relaxation level is sky high ur testorone levels and sex hormones in general go up... u r more athletic in this state.
http://www.elibay.com/
to improve your strength
http://stronglifts.com/5x5/
to improve your over all health improve your nutrition
Dr. John Berardi and Precision Nutrition
http://www.precisionnutrition.com/
to improve your confidence
Dr. Nathaniel Branden.
http://www.amazon.ca/Raise-Your-Self-Esteem-Action-Oriented-Self-Confidence/dp/0553266462
stop thinking in terms of childish assessments of yourself. be an adult. view yourself as an adult would view yourself.
don't put urself in the mindset of a child.
do not view yourself as a "pathetic weak loser"
rather take this view: "i'm not as physically strong and powerful as i'd like to be and i'm going to work to improve this area"
do not view yourself as "i'm a clumsy and unco-ordinated and awkward"
rather state : "i'm not happy with my level of athleticism and personal body control ....things such as yoga, deep relaxation and various martial arts can help me become much more athletic and graceful.. i'd liek to work on that"
do not hold the view "i have no self esteem and no confidence i'm a total loser"
rather view it like this "in this certain area my self confidence and self esteem is not where i'd like it to be.. i'd like to improve it.. let's see what the best self esteem experts habits are for building confidence and work on that..."
every assessment i provide is just as negative as yours.. .the difference is my assessments are ACTIONABLE.
then go piece by piece and bit by bit and move forward... step by relentless step.
once you rebuild your self esteem at the core of your being you become what i like to call "an immovable mover".
and remember,
every day is Judgement DAy... and your own ego is the judge.
Judge.. but do not be judgemental.
the easiest thing for any one to do is to just lay around and suffer.
being happy is the hardest thing for a human to accomplish.
stop thinking like a child and start thinking like an adult.
its your move.
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I have this problem too. It's been going on for years. Recently I read a book that made me respect others more.And now I'm a bit better but not perfect.
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First, realize there will ALWAYS be someone better than you. + Show Spoiler +There will always be someone taller, shorter, bigger, smaller, smarter, faster, stronger, better looking.......
Second, perfection is impossible.
Third, know and accept yourself.
Now you can refocus.
Competition is NOT bad. Even obsessive competition can drive greatness - but you have to be realistic.
Failure is NOT bad. (look up a book called Failing Forward if you need more on that topic.)
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Definitely agree with y0su 
And make friends with those who beat you in things... and then beat them in other things  You can't be the best at *everything*, but it's often nice to satiate the thirst for competition
It's not a bad thing to want to be the best. Worked for Ash Ketchum.
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United States744 Posts
I tend to associate with people who don't present any threat to my perception of my intelligence (to put it bluntly and arrogantly, I'm smarter than they are). Beyond that I don't do anything with real life friends that I could subconsciously turn into a competition, because that always happens. At least that contains my perfectionism to an introspective scope, and doesn't harm people the way it used to when I tried to be better than my friends at basketball, for example (we were all still bad, and I flamed them and got so angry and verbally aggressive it was just bad). It's a band-aid fix, but I'm probably younger than you are and that at least gives me the opportunity to go to college and see the world in a new perspective. I won't give any advice though because I'm clearly not in any position to, but I did want to share that I can relate to your sentiment and I hope you can find reconciliation. It sucks.
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Compare yourself against your former self rather than someone else. Make sure you are constantly improving.
That's healthy, I think
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Punch a bear in the face and be like "Fuck you, Bear."
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you are aware of self but do not have awareness outside self
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It's not really a bad thing if you actually CAN be better than everyone else in the room ;D. Even worse is being so conceited that you think you can easily be better than everyone else, and not do shit because you're too lazy, then feeling frustrated anyway because you're not living up to what you could do, while having everyone around you telling you that you're doing great (that's me! Yeaah!). You sound like you work hard, which is still a positive outlook.
Anyway, there will always be people that are better than you. If that's not enough for you to escape your current feelings (I know it isn't, for me), I would suggest telling you that even if you see someone who's better than you at almost everything, it's still only almost everything, and you probably do something way better than that person.
Personally, I've yet to meet someone that is better than me in every single way, people have flaws even when they seem perfect.
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On June 06 2015 13:45 Cambium wrote:Compare yourself against your former self rather than someone else. Make sure you are constantly improving. That's healthy, I think
This guy knows what he's talking about. Listen to him!
Healthy fantasizing can be okay, I mean visualizing things that are obtainable, and subsequently working towards them. If it's something you can't change, like your height, affirmations are very useful
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Read this aloud to a mirror after every loss to cheese on the ladder:
What though the field be lost?
All is not lost; the unconquerable Will,
And study of revenge, immortal hate,
About your desire to be rich and attractive... I somehow doubt that any amount of money could satisfy your desire, or any body shape could control your jealousy. Evolutionary psychology suggests that desires evolved to motivate behaviour - it's basically a carrot and stick mechanism. You never actually get the carrot - that would defeat the motivational purpose of desire. Satisfaction is therefore an illusion. You just get nibbles to encourage you to push harder. Studies have been done on lottery winners, for example: they record higher than usual happiness/satisfaction for a couple months, and then it dips back down to ordinary, hum-drum levels. We evolved to be insatiable resource and social prestige gathering black holes - we know 'lack' intimately, 'sufficient' vaguely, and 'excess' not at all.
There's considerable wisdom in the "grass is greener" saying, therefore. But obviously you are feeling disatisfaction more acutely than most people - we are more than evolutionary clay, after all, and satisfaction is still possible, I'm only trying to sketch some of the forces stacked against it. Your trouble is probably less to do with your perceived ugliness and poverty than with your chronic disatisfaction. Plenty of people aren't rich, aren't pretty, but are satisfied.
I don't mean you shouldn't work towards fitness or wealth - you should - but you will also need to work on how to be satisfied, and that may actually be more important for you, depending on your circumstances. Secular Buddhism has interesting points to make on this topic.
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For me, happiness lies in the absence of needs. I don't want to be "perfect" or great. I want to do things I'm good at and things that I enjoy.
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Try could try going to burning man and being a hippie for a week. I'm pretty sure that will fix what you have.
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On June 06 2015 02:36 Barrin wrote:
You are suffering from materialism. I suggest learning about philosophy.
He's suffering from Singaporeanism. We have stereotypes for Singaporeans and he fits it so exactly that it makes our prejudiced judgements seem like an elegant and beautiful equation.
.On a more serious note, I'm sincerely happy for you that you've chose to take the first step = acknowledgement of the problem, instead of remaining delusional or in denial.
Since you're in Singapore I suggest Buddhism (because it's available there), it's a very good philosophy to address your problems by introducing to a different mindset.
Check out Ajahn Brahm's talks here:
https://www.youtube.com/user/BuddhistSocietyWA
All the best
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Accept failing, relax, be positive and work on yourself, any time spent being mad at yourself is a waste of time really.
You failed ? Time to think about how/what you could do better next time.
My reaction when I fail or for exemple lose any sc2 game : "Mmmmm that's interesting"
Every fail is an opportunity to get better, or to do something else, I guess, maybe.
Try to appreciate anything you have, every quality and skill you possess.
I wish you happiness man.
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You dont need money or looks for girls - check out the pickup community.
Use your motivation for self development.
About the size: maybe it helps to remember that badasses like Al Pacino are 1.70 only too.
There are also lots of books about how to get rich. If you are good in Sc2, maybe Poker or Trading works for you.
good luck!
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United States15275 Posts
Anchor the good and cast away the bad. Strong motivation can exist without comparison or projecting into the future.
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life's too stressful to do that all the time. just do like i do and only post in blogs written by people that you are better than
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Just need to learn to enjoy life a skill a lot of people have forgotten.
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I think what you're really after is the approval of others. Someone else said you were materialistic but most of the time it seems that materialism stems from a need of validation from others. Don't get me wrong, everyone likes to be seen as the type of person that others look up to in some way, but it is important to recognize that there are going to be some things that you have and some things you don't.
Take height for example, you're never going to change that unless you're still growing so why worry about it? You're not a tall person and that's that. But maybe you are exceptionally smart, or kind, or hardworking. I'm sure there is something about you that makes up for what you lack in height.
Another thing is that people who look for validation from others adopt the values that they believe others have. Again, height is a good example. The tall dark and handsome man may be the stereotypical ideal, but in reality how important is it to be tall? Not very important if you ask me. I guess if you're a full grown man who's too short to ride the rides at Disney Land then yeah that can be a bit problematic, but I'm guessing that isn't the case. Figuring out what it is you value and placing more importance on that will likely help you see yourself in a more positive light.
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EPT
