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So I have this fun chronic illness that I occasionally blog about
Anyway recently its gotten worse. Like not being able to walk properly worse. Like my waking life is a daze type of worse. Like as in can't remember last time I felt confidence about doing anything type of worse.
I don't know what the fuck I should do. None of the doctors can give me a concrete answer. Everyone I know seems to be drifting away. I feel like I'm either terrified by the future or blocking it out with computer games. I feel like my identity has just become 'that sick person'. I feel no hope for my future and I feel like just wasted potential.
I dont fucking know. People say that you learn something when you go through tough times but all I've learned is that going through tough times is bad and that chronic illness is bad. I feel like I'm dying, only its going to take years and noone can help me and I don't know what the fuck is going on because I'm so young and I have no idea about anything and I was never taught how to deal with this sort of thing.
I feel like my life is either pain or trying to ignore the pain. Nothing else
Help
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Wow dude, I don't know what to say. What kind of pain do you feel? If there's anything I can do to help, if you want someone to talk to or something, I can help with that.
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Hey man just remember, it doesn't matter what the fuck you should do. Nothing we do in the end matters mang, everything about life is pointless, it's a fucking flat out joke. Sounds like you're trying to kill time because you've been hit with a wave of pain that isn't going away, in fact you almost know inside you're screwed. Die today or die tomorrow, the only absolute only way that this matters in anyway is if you care. Do you have a reason to live? If not then you're living like a zombie, constantly in pain but numb to it. You get to the point where you don't wish you were dead, but more don't wish you were ever born.
Just remember, it doesn't matter.. that it doesn't matter.
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On December 23 2014 13:10 BongChambers wrote:
Hey man just remember, it doesn't matter what the fuck you should do. Nothing we do in the end matters mang, everything about life is pointless, it's a fucking flat out joke. Sounds like you're trying to kill time because you've been hit with a wave of pain that isn't going away, in fact you almost know inside you're screwed. Die today or die tomorrow, the only absolute only way that this matters in anyway is if you care. Do you have a reason to live? If not then you're living like a zombie, constantly in pain but numb to it. You get to the point where you don't wish you were dead, but more don't wish you were ever born.
Just remember, it doesn't matter.. that it doesn't matter.
I don't agree. There's a point to life if you decide there is. True, there is no default catch all, but if you choose to do something, then there's no reason not to do it.
OP, I don't know what your problem is, but I'd advise just trying again with the doctors. One of them has got to have some ideas. Whatever this pain is, medicine is pretty good and odds are we have some way of dealing with it. Smoke some weed if you have to for the time being, but don't let it ruin you.
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On December 23 2014 13:10 BongChambers wrote:
Die today or die tomorrow, the only absolute only way that this matters in anyway is if you care.
?? Maybe you misread or I didn't type it out that well but yeah that's it, you need too have a reason or "choose to do something".
But ya Bswhunter, man, like we're just random people from across the world. We have no idea who you are or what you're going through, only way I can hope to help is to give you my views and perspectives on the world. In the end it's all in your head.
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On December 23 2014 13:32 BongChambers wrote:Show nested quote +On December 23 2014 13:10 BongChambers wrote:
Die today or die tomorrow, the only absolute only way that this matters in anyway is if you care. ?? Maybe you misread or I didn't type it out that well but yeah that's it, you need too have a reason or "choose to do something". But ya Bswhunter, man, like we're just random people from across the world. We have no idea who you are or what you're going through, only way I can hope to help is to give you my views and perspectives on the world. In the end it's all in your head.
I suppose I did misread, sorry.
And as he said, we don't know a lot about you but if we can help in any way please let us know
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what are your symptoms, purely emotional or anything physical?
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Aotearoa39261 Posts
This is going to sound really weird, but you have to really want and push to get better. This means annoying doctors (Australia has good public healthcare so thankfully that shouldn't be an issue) and making sure that you're being treated to the best that medical knowledge can treat you. Do everything in your power to make sure this happens, it's very easy to let this slide (and I know that from experience)
I know having a chronic illness at a young age can really suck. I spent by 21st recovering from having my colon removed (after suffering for a little over 2.5 years of ulcerative colitis). During that time I was super unmotivated to do anything about my illness, I just wanted to take the drugs let it get better, have people not worry about me and just have everything go away. It didn't, and the price was my colon (well, maybe it was going anyway...)
During that time the number of friends I regularly kept in contact with dwindled to a handful, even my gf was having a really tough time with it and wanted out a few times (thankfully she stayed). Once you come out the other side of this (and you have to believe that you will) you will have learned a lot by the end of it, and be mentally tougher than you realise. The relationships you do maintain will be as if they've been forged in steel; i.e. unbreakable.
Hang in there and know that TL's here to support you.
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Netherlands1486 Posts
On December 23 2014 15:28 Plexa wrote:
This is going to sound really weird, but you have to really want and push to get better. This means annoying doctors (Australia has good public healthcare so thankfully that shouldn't be an issue) and making sure that you're being treated to the best that medical knowledge can treat you. Do everything in your power to make sure this happens, it's very easy to let this slide (and I know that from experience)
This. You gotta be the manager of your own health care. And if you've got some serious chronic disease, that's pretty much a full time job.
The feeling of becoming nothing more than that sick person, cripple, weak... so recognisable and so frustrating. But it's only your own perception... those people that matter (i.e. the not merely superficial interactions) easily see beyond this - unless you don't let them.
I'm pretty sure you do learn a lot from these tough times. At the very least, I'm pretty certain you've learned to appreciate good health like everyone knows you should, but almost no one does. But I'm certain there's more than that - this is the ultimate mental training. Having to deal with this sort of stuff... don't you think you'll be stronger, mentally, than just about anyone?
So yea: fight! Do every single little thing you can to remain as healthy and strong as possible, despite everything, if only to make yourself proud of how you fought.
If you can, do move on with your life. Don't let physical discomfort, even in excessive amounts, or the drugs, and especially their endless side effects, stop you from living.
I know the latter is my biggest challenge - giving the mourning process a proper place, the acceptance of loss, the moving on and picking up life as far as possible... to some extent giving up the fight and accepting things as they are, making the best of them... because you're still alive, and it can still be good. Never hesitate to trick your mind into believing this, if that's what it takes.
(I hope the above still makes sense after a bunch of random edits.)
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Best of luck bro!
You can get through it, I am very sure of it. Muster the power and strength to push through, and ask for help from those around you if you feel the need. Don't shoot down any little piece of advice, as it may just help you in ways that you never thought possible. Keep strong man
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Thanks for the help, the advice, the fact that you said you cared, the nihilism. It all helps in a way. BongChambers is kinda right in that it really doesn't matter. What I do with my time while recovering from this doesn't really matter since noone is doing what they want 100% of the time.
2014 has definitely been the biggest year of my life in terms of personal growth. It just really kinda sucks it had to end this way with me discovering that I had this massive hurdle to overcome. Were it not for this aliment I would probably be self-congratulatory on the progress I've made.
But the fatigue kills me and wears me down. Feeling like your entire body is at war with you destroys any positive feelings you might have towards the present.
Regardless, thanks dudes.
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