EPTWhat does this all have to do with me? Well I have been struggling with an unknown chronic illness for at least the past 4 years, if not longer. I have been to many, many doctors and tried many different treatments. I have been admitted to psych wards due to suicide attempts, had emotional breakdowns after failing driving tests and had to struggle seemingly alone, day to day against a body that seemed determined to break me. I've had co-workers accuse me of being lazy while at the point of collapse and struggle to complete work over the course of days that others have completed in mere hours. All this I have gone through just to get to today. I have put so much effort into just appearing like a healthy adolescent, like someone who was capable, when all this time, I really wasn't.
But things are finally starting to change. I think I may have finally located what is causing me all this grief. But if not, I finally got some recognition for the struggle I have gone through. My family knows and notices just how hard I am trying in this regard. And that makes it easier. It doesn't make it perfect, but goddamn it helps to get told that you are capable, that you are not just someone scraping by. On the outside I might not look like I try, but believe me I do. I look like I have a 'I don't give a fuck' attitude but thats just because I am spending all my energy just to not pass out at the current moment. I may seem overly attached to something, but thats just because it took me a ridiculous amount of energy to get there.
So what does this have to do with a coming of age? Well the great thing about beliefs is that you can pretty much apply them to anything and any experience you go through. You can view the glass as half full or as half empty. I view this as my coming of age. Since seriously trying to overcome this, I have learnt many things. I have learned how to take care of myself properly, how to manage time and energy, that some people are just not worth dealing with and should be told to fuck off, that real, proper friends are an irreplaceable asset and that if you work hard at something, you can make progress at it, even if it takes a long, long time.
I honestly don't know if i'm going to get through this. I could be like this for the rest of my life. But by god I'm going to give it everything I can. I said once that I would cut off one of my arms to get over this.
I still stand by that statement
glad to see you making an effort and succeeding in overcoming it!
