EPT2013 was a year of some big changes for me, especially personally though unfortunately not professionally. They year started out in a rut, my anxiety on a hair trigger with a call from an unknown phone number being enough to push me towards some of my more intense symptoms of anxiety attacks. Hyperventilation, feelings like I was going to vomit, and an exacerbated sense of needing to be alone were an all too regular occurrence; this was true to the point where I would go days without talking to anyone including my girlfriend of several years. A text to let her know I was alive, was about all I could muster, the only other human contact I would have in these bouts was with the clerk at the liquor store down the street:
"Back again huh?"
"Yeah, some more people came by..."
These were invariably followed by a myriad of thinly veiled excuses as to why I was stopping in with the frequency I was.
“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.” Bukowski
Money concerns continue(d) to be a source of anxiety, every time I thought I was getting to a decent place something, generally car repairs, would hit my accounts and remind me what a teeter totter I was one. I am not the worst off of those in my generation, but that being said I am not anticipating retiring early should things continue on their current course.
We made it through to the Spring, and my lease was up as was my girlfriends. Having had the housing discussion previously we moved in together. This helped in two regards: first I got to put some more money away than I was able to living on my own, and second I got to move back to Saint Paul. This was one of the first things I identified as I worked on these issues early on, the environmental triggers I hadn't considered.
I was living on one of the busiest, biggest streets in the Minneapolis area. Movement was constant and even when I was alone, I never felt like I was able to reap the benefits and recharge properly. My largest contribution to the move was that it had to be in Saint Paul which in comparison to Minneapolis feels much more residential, and slower paced. To quote my brother regarding Saint Paul, "The best part of Saint Paul is that the only people who want to come here are the ones that live here."
We moved into a duplex, another win for me as box, filing cabinet style apartment complexes only made worse my anxiety. The constant footsteps and traffic through the hallways always put me on edge.
“What a weary time those years were -- to have the desire and the need to live but not the ability.” -Bukowski, Ham on Rye
Cohabitation was something I didn't exactly struggle with provided I had my space. We rented a two bedroom, with the stated agreement that one of the bedrooms would be mine for gaming and nights were I felt less than social. She could do whatever she wanted with the rest of the apartment provided my room was not tampered with.
The Summer passed and work remain(ed)(s) a source of frustration. I've the experience to make a move it has proven more difficult to make one in an upward direction; all the more so with the recent influx of recently laid off professionals that happened recently. While Minneapolis has one of the best job markets in the country a weak 4th quarter has the streets awash with more experienced individuals practicing their own brand of nepotism which I've not yet been able to overcome myself. Suffice it to say that corporate culture, a phrase I loath with every fiber of my being, and I are not compatible on a very basic level. While I am looking to make a move, I am looking to do so in a way where I'll actually be alright with going to work;something that I am not sure I've ever done.
“It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without ambition, I mean a better place than the one usually reserved. How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” Bukowski, Factotum
Fall was more of the same, beating my head against a wall while (up into that point feigning) interest in various informational interviews that I am not sure I would have been happy in were I to have gotten the job; trying to mask the wavering, shaky sound in my voice during the couple phone interviews I'd been given as a courtesy.
The biggest change I made during this time was to be active in my communication with my girlfriend as to when I was feeling the tides of anxiety creeping up on me. I also came clean with my family, who for years had joked about my inability to return phone calls and my disappearing for weeks on end. This is the most recent development, and it felt like a weight had been lifted.
It felt like it cleared the air of a lot of resentment for my seclusion, and best of all it opened up a dialog to the point where I worked with my parents to set up a doctors appointment which was a long time coming.
My anxiety has dropped significantly, though still rears its ugly head from time to time, I am hoping the appointment will help with a solution to anxiety/panic attacks. The biggest change I've made, and the one that has yielded the most positive results, was really just acknowledging that having anxiety and depression is not something I have to be ashamed of or deal with all by myself.
They are still there, and may well be for some time but I have made some big changes for the better this year, from basic environmental changes to taking making that call to the doctors office to get something set up with actual, professional help. It isn't easy, but if you had asked me how I would feel in March 2014 last year, I don't think I would honestly be able to say I feel as alright as I do today.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/HniPWVL.jpg)
My girlfriend also adopted this little runt of a dog, who has been of great help as well. Making sure I get some fresh air every day and helping me destress after long days in the office.
“Things get bad for all of us, almost continually, and what we do under the constant stress reveals who/what we are.” Charles Bukowski, What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire
