EPTYou get off the buss and look around. Unlike others, you want to be different, so you admire the surrounding beauty in the city, which no one else can see or even cares about. You see the small birds, the trees and bushes, the grass, you notice the wind. You can't see the ugly, because you don't want to. As you make your way to the shop, you see that everyone is in a hurry. You know why, but you never will understand it. Why won't they just take some time off and be slow about it? They're just moving, repeating their routine, while you, doing the same thing, are trying to somehow beautify it.
As you enter the market, all the consumerism hits you like the fireworks during New Years. Suddenly you start feeling really tired, and start desperately looking for an energy bar. You can't find it, so you take an unhealthy energy drink instead. But you won't drink it now. Somewhere deep down you know that there's a really small chance that you can still make the test.
You get to the bus station, without admiring anything - you're just feeling to exhausted. The buss arrives and you get on it, feeling cramped, although there's plenty of space. You check out the people around you, while trying to look the floor in front of you. Suddenly someone looks at you, and you feel scared. Your face automatically tries to smile, but you try to suppress it, which then turns into a ugly cringe - rest of the road you're just looking out of the window.
You get back to the dorm and drink the energy drink. Suddenly the energy starts coming back, and you feel that you can do anything. You start studying for the test, but 2 hours later you know that you won't make it. There's nothing you can do. As you stop preparing for the test, you finally face the reality and get to terms with your situation: it just is not meant to be.
You get on the internet, browse all the news portals, reddit, 4chan, TL - repeat 10 times. Then suddenly, everyone else has somehow left the dorm and you're alone. You can finally feel peaceful and truly relaxed.
You suddenly remember the dream that has kept you going all this time. It is Japan. Over 10 year it has kept you motivated and urged you to study, in the hope of studying abroad there, or getting a job there - even though you know that you can't teach English there, because it's not your native tongue. At points you have stopped caring about Japan, because of the xenophobia, and nuclear disasters, and earthquakes, and the weird looking people. But now you realize that you can't lie to yourself, you need it, you want it. It's your dream. If others want lots of money, luxurious cars, the newest computer parts, to have a family. all you want is Japan. You love it and hate it, but you want it. It has never left you and has always kept you going. All the disgusting porn, weird manga, anime - you love it. Even though making it to the biggest city in your country is not what you expected it to be, you know that you still want to be at Tokyo. The neon lights, the high-speed trains, skyscrapers, Akihabara, Shibuya, samurais, temples, and the possibility of seeing Mt. Fuji just drag you in, and there's not a thing that can stop it. To you it's Shangri-La, a utopia
As you run out of things to do on the internet, you look up a video of Tokyo during night, mute it, and put on Nujabes' Counting Stars. All your worries suddenly seem gone, and for a few minutes you suddenly feel happy and sad at the same time. You can finally see your dream up close, but it will always be too far from you.
Writing this out somehow really makes me feel better, even if no one will read it. It feels therapeutic.
