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I'm not entirely convinced I'm actually a person anymore. You see, people learn things. They take experiences and failures, and when something happens in the future, they apply the things they know and have learned to improve and to make better choices.
Not me though. I keep making the same damn mistakes over and over again.
- Slacking at work got me fired from my last job? I'm behind about a week on my project, and am lying to everyone to keep it up.
- My short life up until this point has been piss and shit and full of unhappiness? Let's get our hopes up about a job I might want, so when I get rejected it'll crush me even harder.
- When I've gotten depressed in the past I've lashed out and hurt myself and others? Let's continue bottling everything up and lying to the people that love and care about me.
All sensational ideas. I'm just really fucking good at this whole "being human" thing, clearly.
...I've always been taught that I should do what's right, even at my own sake. Even if it makes me miserable, doing good is always best. But you know what? It's just not fair anymore. I'm not perfect, but I try to be a good person. And where has it gotten me? I've never been happy. The one time I thought I might be, when I was dating the girl I thought I would marry, treating her right and making sure she was happy by doing everything I could muster - she fucked at least one or two guys behind my back and then thought she could lie about it to my face. Happy fucking new year.
I don't know why I keep expecting anything good to happen to me. I do good for others, and I just end up tired and ignored. I don't give a shit about others and just take care of myself, and I get screwed for being a bad person.
Is it that fucking selfish of me to want to be happy? I shouldn't focus on myself. I should try to do good things for the sake of doing good things, even if it doesn't affect me, right?
When people ask me "How's it going?", I always respond "Ok", or "Good", or "Fine". One time, just once, I'd like that not to be a lie. Is it that selfish of me to want? Is that such a bad thing to ask of the universe? I just want to wake up one morning and smile because I'm overall happy with my life, and I haven't had that since I was a child.
I'm done for a while. Screw this.
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Others may not appreciate this, but I think you've written everything I wanted to but lacked the words.
I hope you will get better. Just keep doing what you think is right and try to find happiness in the little things. This may all sound clichéed but if you believe it, it will happen.
Also, you shouldn't do this alone. Go to your family for support or to a very good friend and go out, meet someone better, someone you deserve.
Smile
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The reason you have a capacity for sadness is because you feel happiness. Neither can exist without the other. If that were to happen, then you would eventually become completely desensitized to both emotions.
Why are you good to other people? Does it make you happy? Would your situation be better or worse if you treated them poorly?
Are you being an extremist? Do you think there is only black and white for giving and receiving happiness?
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It's a pretty damn stupid idea to do "good" even if it makes you miserable. You're likely going to end up doing more good overall if you focus on being happy youself anyways. But don't lose sight for the consequences of your actions. Drastic example, you shouldn't steal etc to feel good when it's obvious that you'll later end up feeling bad about it one way or another...
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Hmm. It sounds like you've had the wrong end of other people a couple times. One thing I would advise to you is to try doing what you think is best without expecting it in return. This is what I do, and it actually helps me run an a more internalized way; I don't require reciprocation all too much in order to keep going and achieving what I want or what I feel is best.
It sounds to me like you need some time to think about things and life. Some time to reorder your priorities and relax a bit before moving on.
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The reward for doing good isn't getting something good in return.
Don't be so pragmatic about it.
I've been spending my Saturdays delivering food to people who can't afford their own, mostly immigrants who live under lamentable circumstances. I've been constantly yelled at, threatened, stressed out, tired or otherwise fucked in the ass (once almost literally) and if I expected any great thing in return, I would have given up after - or during - my first day.
Don't expect the universe to give you a blowjob every time you act like a considerate human being. The shit you describe should come naturally and not require some saintly effort of will.
€: This sounded harsher than it was supposed to. Keep your head up, find happiness where you can.
Appreciate the things others take for granted. Don't give a shit about what people think of you and you'll be much happier for it. Focus on being the best person you can be, by your standards, not by anyone else's. It's easy to be happy if you're rich, handsome and have a 12 inch dong (I'm describing the dudes your GF got fucked by), and who would want life to be too easy? 
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Take the world at face value, you only have to be as good a person as you really are. As for the unhappiness I have no idea. Find things that provide relevance intrinsically?
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On May 29 2013 04:04 Requizen wrote:You see, people learn things. They take experiences and failures, and when something happens in the future, they apply the things they know and have learned to improve and to make better choices.
The reason these platitudes are so often recommended is that "people" don't actually behave like this. If this were a natural pattern of learning and development for people in general, we wouldn't even need to talk about it.
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EPT
