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Hi TL, I've come to your for advice.
I'm going to start everyone off with some history about my now ex-fiance and I, and I'm hoping that I can work my way back into her heart over the next month or two, by just showing her that I'm the fun, playful person she's always known.
My girlfriend and I met 8 years ago, we were in Grade 11 in Senior High, we both love gaming and the fine arts, and are both very much compatible people. For the most part our 8 years together has been very fruitful for the both of us, we've learned, grown, and worked on fixing each other's problems and quirks. 4 years into our relationship, another guy tried to use a weakness in me to move in on her, but i fought for her tooth and nail, and i won her heart back. A year prior to that, a girl was attempting on moving in on me, even though I would never cheat on my girlfriend, it was scary for her, but we got through that too.
So we have both seen the side of outside curiosity, and we have both driven past it, fixed our quirks in that regard, and carried on. on year 5.5, I had to move to another city, we promised each other we would make it work, she would move to the city I had moved to a year later. We grinded through the year, and I even asked her to marry me when she visited for christmas half way through the long distance wait. We had both agreed we want to get married, but we had agreed we would stay engaged until she was done school and we were both knee deep in our careers, which we had already started working towards. She is to become and accountant, and I later got a job as a Longshoreman that I love doing.
Everything was fine until about October of last year. And the problem has grown because of me. Last October, My father was having a drug relapse problem, and I've always been there for my father, so I was worried about him and his relapse. My grandmother was suffering from Alzheimer's Disease, and it was very apparent she would not last very much longer, as well as at the time work was very difficult hours-wise, as I was not pulling in enough cash to stay stable. I also worried about how my Grandfather would cope with my Grandmother's inevitable death looming around the corner. Stress was beating down on me like a hammer to and anvil, and I had started to look for other reasons I might be unhappy, so I told her I wanted to take a break for a little while. Obviously she took it the wrong way... Because I am a stupid guy and I don't word things correctly.
My goal in doing this was so I could look in on myself and find out what I really wanted to be happy. I had make up a bunch of excuses in my head regarding such, because I was too stressed about everything else to be able to actually look in on myself. Eventually, my fiance fought to get me back onto the rail tracks... But stress doesn't go away so easy...
I continued to be stressed about work up until just recently, the timing of all of this could not be worse. I have healed from the loss of my Grandmother, my Father is no longer having any more drug problems because I was there for him, and my Grandfather seems to be taking the loss like a champ. So I figured I could give myself another shot to look in on myself, but I did it the wrong way, because I'm not a smart person. I had been thinking of taking some time to look in on myself again, but I wasn't ready. On her end, it was obvious something was bothering me... So she pushed the subject on me, and I broke, I broke when I was no prepared to do what I wanted. I told her I just wanted a little time to think about myself, I reassured her that I still loved her, and I told her I wasn't initially ready to talk about it, but since it was bothering her I had better address the issues now. I told her I want to make sure I am happy with my situation.
That was about 2 and a half weeks ago.
Six days ago, she was still asking me to tuck her in to bed, and still very close to me in her heart, it was blatantly obvious. I just told her I need some me time, because it is what I needed, I needed to realize what I wanted.
The day after the above mentioned six days ago, she started to really separate herself from me, and distance her self, it was at the time as well that I had started to realize that I love her more than anything in the world, and I would climb the tallest mountain for her just to get her the things she wanted. But something was wrong...
Our close-friend circle consists of about 5 people, 2 people have recently started joining our previously 5 person get-togethers, friends of my brother, a guy and a girl, they are siblings. We would often hang out and do things together, have a Game of Thrones night and just generally go out to a wet bar and have a night.
As much as I don't like to admit it, our close friend circle consists of only 2 girls, my now ex-fiance, and one of the newcomers. And almost every guy in that circle has a serious attraction to my ex-fiance. So, when she went to all her close friends (people in this group) for advice on what they though, they all gave her advice that they thought would benefit them and not her or I. They told her I wasn't worth it, and none of them at the time knew my side or reasoning, to which I've remedied, and spoken with most of them. She took it to heart.
She now claims that she no longer loves me, even know that just less than a week ago, it was obvious that she was still infatuated with me. I don't believe this to be a truth to herself at all, I can read the girl I've loved for 8 years like a book, and she gives off tells when she speaks and with facial expressions. She has locked away her feelings for me, and lost the key. It's become apparent that the guy newcomer to our group is trying to move in on her now, and I have spoken with him about it, and told him to step back.
I'm at a loss for what to do, I've finally found myself, and I'm finally free of stress and no longer in any sort of depressed state, the only stress in my life now is the feeling and knowledge that if I don't do something, I might lose the most important woman in my life, she's hard to talk to, she gets extremely erratic when I try to talk to her about us in a serious matter. I need help from anyone who's got some kind of insight... I'm willing to fight the world to make her see, I'm willing to fight for us, because we have something special, and 8 years doesn't just go away over the course of a couple weeks.
I just don't know how to make her see.
Do I give her space?
Do I go on with my own life in hopes she comes back to me, even with all of my friends going after her?
I'm lost, but I'm going to fight for her, I've got a few ideas, but I'd sure like some help.
Thanks TL.
  
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If you were truly close for 8 years and gone through so much together, there is NO WAY a stranger on the internet will know better than you what is the right thing to do. It's good to vent in a situation like this, sure, but any "advice" you might see in this thread is literally worthless. :p.
Either way, best of luck to you, and hope you can workit out!
Btw, if your "friends" seriously "go after her" in a situation like this, fuck them. They are not your friends...
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Tell her what's up, without any bullshit and if she's positive towards you, take her back. If she's negative towards you, move on, so you don't have to waste the next 8 years of your life.
And those other guys, maybe they are just better friends with her, than with you. Just because you get fucked by advice doesn't mean they are evil people. Maybe their advice is really really good? Maybe in their eyes, you really are a weak choice for her, for whatever reason?
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If you want to get married to her, why not tell her everything you went through so she understands why you shut yourself out? Then do some insanely romantic thing to tell her that you're ready to get married or get back or something.
What kind of friends go after an ex-fiance of ~1 week  .
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Sorry about the situation man, sounds insanely complicated. I would say leveling with her is the best course of action. In plain English, no euphemisms or other such crutches. Can I ask how old you two are, I am genuinely curious.
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On May 28 2013 01:32 Kuni wrote:
Tell her what's up, without any bullshit and if she's positive towards you, take her back. If she's negative towards you, move on, so you don't have to waste the next 8 years of your life.
And those other guys, maybe they are just better friends with her, than with you. Just because you get fucked by advice doesn't mean they are evil people. Maybe their advice is really really good? Maybe in their eyes, you really are a weak choice for her, for whatever reason?
Most people in this generation will tell you to cut and run at the first sign of trouble.
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I do not understand.
You wanted to marry her ? Doesn't it say in "good and in bad times" ?
When you had a bad time, you did not lean on her you ran away ?
It seems to me, that your relationship was only built for the good times when you always backed off when there were problems in your life.
And you can not judge if she loved you a week before or not because you are clouded by emotion.
Additional your primary goal is to keep her, not to make her happy. If she has decided she will be happier without you, you should man up and accept it. A good relation ship always needs the effort from both parts to work not just one.
You may convince her one more time, that she is the right person for you, but in the end, the issues she has with you will arise again and you will face the same dilemma again in a few month or a year ?
Maybe she just wanted to wait with it until you were in a better state of mind to take the news and she thought about it a long time. Let me tell you one thing my dear male human: "You will never know if another person loves you or not and the reasons for you being together."
Love is only one word but there are so many loves. Maybe she still cares about you, but is this real love ? Is desire real love ? Is just beeing smitten the first weeks/months love ? She could still love you as a friend and it may still be difficult for her to leave the things behind that she used to do, but she may have stopped loving you as a partner a long time ago.
You should not let your actions and thinking be clouded by emotion. Try to get grounded and ask yourself why SHE should continue the relationship with you and not why you want her so bad.
You claim all your friends told her to back away from you, and you labeled them traitors and selfish people who all want her for themselves. Maybe that's true, but it is more likely that there is some truth to their reasoning on why she should stay away from you.
Also you can not expect her to back away from you if you want it and be happily together with you when you want it deciding on how you feel today.
Another thing is, do you really want her ? Or are you just used to her being around you and the other benefits a relation ship offers or are you just afraid of being alone, or are you just mad of her being together with someone else ?
If you don't take at least 1-2 days to really clear your mind and think about these issues, you have not thought at all but gave the reflex answer that's branded into your brain.
Why do you want her back ?
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When asking for advice, get rid of the poetic shit: you don't want our sympathy, you want our second-opinion.
Talk to her as someone out of that long relationship. A break means that your etch'n'sketch of a past 8 years is a blur and not so clear anymore.
Since you now have to re-convince her that you are still worth the love and endearment of her, you have to go again: do everything that was done before and reignite what's out.
When your cabin fire goes out, do you throw more logs on hoping it'll flame back up or do you get a match and try and start it up again on your own?
It's the same scenario here.
It's obvious that with you telling her you want more time without properly explaining it + your friends telling her to move on that she's been convinced one thing and not able to understand what you lead her to interpret. To reverse it is to convince her you still need her and leave her to interpret why your friends would try to sway her otherwise.
It's just a reversal, don't rely on your 8 years of history to bring her back; it'll only confuse her and create more pressure for her to make a choice. You need to make the decision for her easy.
All in all, create a common ground on where to start together as a couple: ask for another chance and build from the ground upward and take it slow
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On May 28 2013 01:30 Salazarz wrote:
If you were truly close for 8 years and gone through so much together, there is NO WAY a stranger on the internet will know better than you what is the right thing to do. It's good to vent in a situation like this, sure, but any "advice" you might see in this thread is literally worthless. :p.
Either way, best of luck to you, and hope you can workit out!
Btw, if your "friends" seriously "go after her" in a situation like this, fuck them. They are not your friends...
People in similar situations can certainly give the right advice.
On May 28 2013 01:32 Kuni wrote:
Tell her what's up, without any bullshit and if she's positive towards you, take her back. If she's negative towards you, move on, so you don't have to waste the next 8 years of your life.
And those other guys, maybe they are just better friends with her, than with you. Just because you get fucked by advice doesn't mean they are evil people. Maybe their advice is really really good? Maybe in their eyes, you really are a weak choice for her, for whatever reason?
Moving on from an 8-year relationship isn't a switch or something easily done.
They're evil people because if they are mutual friends, then they'd respect the weight of the relationship and the time dedicated the couple has spent to one another. It's just disrespectful, even if they are taking sides because you're essentially fucking both over.
Rationalizing it for them is really cheap of you to do.
He didn't make this blog to rationalize the situation, his thought-processes or why other people did what they did: he's asking for advice on how to get her back
Naturally you can post/say whatever you want, but you make the best points when you take the information that you're given and point out options rather than assuming or trying to figure out what isn't stated in detail.
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I have no good advice to give but I hope things work out for you and you can be together with each other again. Godspeed.
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Hey man, this sounds really rough... ouch, i wouldn't want to be there, and you can't even trust your friends right now?
Anyways, real sympathies out to you wherever you are, but i noticed that this was a bit selfish in places. Saying something like "i know my girl like a book" to me illustrates that you have a weakness of will power in some way because theres evidence in your post that you truly do not know what is going on in her life right now. Also your dad's success with drugs you attribute only to yourself?
Anyways, that'sjust me being really hars, i do hope you end up with love, but remember, and im going to steal some ideas from the danish philosopher who i've been reading lately, Soren Kierkegaard, erotic love is at a base level more selfish than the simple love of all human beings, because it makes the object of your love unique, meaning your love is volatile to changes.. Ah the explanation failed bu maybe it wil spark an idea. SOrry for the lazy post...
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On May 28 2013 02:15 Japhybaby wrote:
Hey man, this sounds really rough... ouch, i wouldn't want to be there, and you can't even trust your friends right now?
Anyways, real sympathies out to you wherever you are, but i noticed that this was a bit selfish in places. Saying something like "i know my girl like a book" to me illustrates that you have a weakness of will power in some way because theres evidence in your post that you truly do not know what is going on in her life right now. Also your dad's success with drugs you attribute only to yourself?
Anyways, that'sjust me being really hars, i do hope you end up with love, but remember, and im going to steal some ideas from the danish philosopher who i've been reading lately, Soren Kierkegaard, erotic love is at a base level more selfish than the simple love of all human beings, because it makes the object of your love unique, meaning your love is volatile to changes.. Ah the explanation failed bu maybe it wil spark an idea. SOrry for the lazy post...
Agreed that you do seem a bit overconfident in some areas when you shouldn't be (otherwise I'm sure you would have anticipated this situation would have came + you wouldn't have done so many self-claimed "stupid" wordings/mistakes).
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On May 28 2013 02:07 Torte de Lini wrote:Show nested quote +On May 28 2013 01:30 Salazarz wrote:
If you were truly close for 8 years and gone through so much together, there is NO WAY a stranger on the internet will know better than you what is the right thing to do. It's good to vent in a situation like this, sure, but any "advice" you might see in this thread is literally worthless. :p.
Either way, best of luck to you, and hope you can workit out!
Btw, if your "friends" seriously "go after her" in a situation like this, fuck them. They are not your friends... People in similar situations can certainly give the right advice. Show nested quote +On May 28 2013 01:32 Kuni wrote:
Tell her what's up, without any bullshit and if she's positive towards you, take her back. If she's negative towards you, move on, so you don't have to waste the next 8 years of your life.
And those other guys, maybe they are just better friends with her, than with you. Just because you get fucked by advice doesn't mean they are evil people. Maybe their advice is really really good? Maybe in their eyes, you really are a weak choice for her, for whatever reason? Moving on from an 8-year relationship isn't a switch or something easily done. They're evil people because if they are mutual friends, then they'd respect the weight of the relationship and the time dedicated the couple has spent to one another. It's just disrespectful, even if they are taking sides because you're essentially fucking both over. Rationalizing it for them is really cheap of you to do.
He didn't make this blog to rationalize the situation, his thought-processes or why other people did what they did: he's asking for advice on how to get her backNaturally you can post/say whatever you want, but you make the best points when you take the information that you're given and point out options rather than assuming or trying to figure out what isn't stated in detail.
That is, if you believe the OPs point of view is the real deal here. It never is like that though.
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On May 28 2013 02:19 Kuni wrote:Show nested quote +On May 28 2013 02:07 Torte de Lini wrote:On May 28 2013 01:30 Salazarz wrote:
If you were truly close for 8 years and gone through so much together, there is NO WAY a stranger on the internet will know better than you what is the right thing to do. It's good to vent in a situation like this, sure, but any "advice" you might see in this thread is literally worthless. :p.
Either way, best of luck to you, and hope you can workit out!
Btw, if your "friends" seriously "go after her" in a situation like this, fuck them. They are not your friends... People in similar situations can certainly give the right advice. On May 28 2013 01:32 Kuni wrote:
Tell her what's up, without any bullshit and if she's positive towards you, take her back. If she's negative towards you, move on, so you don't have to waste the next 8 years of your life.
And those other guys, maybe they are just better friends with her, than with you. Just because you get fucked by advice doesn't mean they are evil people. Maybe their advice is really really good? Maybe in their eyes, you really are a weak choice for her, for whatever reason? Moving on from an 8-year relationship isn't a switch or something easily done. They're evil people because if they are mutual friends, then they'd respect the weight of the relationship and the time dedicated the couple has spent to one another. It's just disrespectful, even if they are taking sides because you're essentially fucking both over. Rationalizing it for them is really cheap of you to do.
He didn't make this blog to rationalize the situation, his thought-processes or why other people did what they did: he's asking for advice on how to get her backNaturally you can post/say whatever you want, but you make the best points when you take the information that you're given and point out options rather than assuming or trying to figure out what isn't stated in detail. That is, if you believe the OPs point of view is the real deal here. It never is like that though.
I highly doubt that anyone else is going to come on here and give another perspective. I also don't think he's going to admit to some ideas here (I could be wrong).
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your biggest problem was that you wanted space......shes supposed to be there to help you through your problems. maybe if you apologize that you were wrong, that she means everything in the world to you and you just said the things you said because you were afraid, she might get back with you idk just my thoughts
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Through this entire blog you don't seem to say much about her. You only talk about yourself. I think to give good advice TL would need to know more about what's going on in her life, not just yours.
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You probably won't like this... (no advice)
+ Show Spoiler +I don't think that you are 100% honest in your post. I have lots of sympathy for you if you really just wanted to take breaks because you were stressed for all the right reasons. But no matter what words you used (I'm interested), this couldn't be the right thing to do, which you now realize. Was there really no other girl? You can't possibly messed up that badly just because of stress?!
How long did you think about these kind of decisions? Didn't you ask somebody for a second opinion?
Also I don't like you claiming that you know her feelings when you didn't (don't?) know yourself.
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Marriage isn't about breaks. To be plain, you got what you asked for. It doesn't seem like 8 years and the proposal meant all that much to you, considering you hadn't "found yourself" yet and saw a "break" as a viable option. It's about working together as a unit, not running and hiding like a girl.
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My only advice is to find someone that will love you for life, not just during the good times.
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On May 28 2013 03:18 shirtman wrote:You probably won't like this... (no advice) + Show Spoiler +I don't think that you are 100% honest in your post. I have lots of sympathy for you if you really just wanted to take breaks because you were stressed for all the right reasons. But no matter what words you used (I'm interested), this couldn't be the right thing to do, which you now realize. Was there really no other girl? You can't possibly messed up that badly just because of stress?!
How long did you think about these kind of decisions? Didn't you ask somebody for a second opinion?
Also I don't like you claiming that you know her feelings when you didn't (don't?) know yourself.
I agree, you're making a lot of convenient leaps and I'm sure these inconsistencies certainly played a role in why she doesn't want to be with you anymore.
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On May 28 2013 01:49 Jerubaal wrote:Show nested quote +On May 28 2013 01:32 Kuni wrote:
Tell her what's up, without any bullshit and if she's positive towards you, take her back. If she's negative towards you, move on, so you don't have to waste the next 8 years of your life.
And those other guys, maybe they are just better friends with her, than with you. Just because you get fucked by advice doesn't mean they are evil people. Maybe their advice is really really good? Maybe in their eyes, you really are a weak choice for her, for whatever reason? Most people in this generation will tell you to cut and run at the first sign of trouble.
Straight up. Because we all know the solution to relationship problems is to either take a break and forget about it rather than resolving it, or to end it altogether.
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I can understand a little. Stress from life can hit really hard especially when it is family related and come in a short notice.
I know several people who broke up due to similar situation.
The only thing you should do is to get yourself back on your feet and see if you can go back to the one that made her fall in love before something happens.
The length of relationship really don't mean too much to be honest, it is all about whether you have made good use of those time
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I don't understand how being stressed no matter how much would be a good enough reason to take a "break" after 8 years of being together. There has to be more to this story.
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Honestly, get a new group of friends and show her this blog.
Seriously though, if you're going to take this much time to articulate how you feel, just show her the damn thing
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On May 28 2013 12:48 teamsolid wrote:
I don't understand how being stressed no matter how much would be a good enough reason to take a "break" after 8 years of being together. There has to be more to this story.
This.
No one is going to be able to help you if you don't tell us the whole story.
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On May 28 2013 12:48 teamsolid wrote:
I don't understand how being stressed no matter how much would be a good enough reason to take a "break" after 8 years of being together. There has to be more to this story.
I reacted strongly to this too. If you're stressed, your partner since 8 years should be the primary cure to getting through that stress, not someone you wanna take a break from.
The other thing I reacted too was the part where your friends supposedly adviced her to leave you for their own purposes (trying to make a move on her). Now, Im not saying stuff like that doesnt happen, but 9 times out of 10 when someone says that its because they have a skewed view on things. Real friends dont do that. There is no way a normal person who considers himself a good friend of a together-since-8-year-couple would advice one of them to break up from the other to take advantage of it himself. That has to be a very special (in a bad way) person in that case, and certainly not someone you should consider a friend. But anyway, thats the 1 out of 10 case. Much more likely, however, is that either A) They truly adviced her to leave you, but for good reasons. What those reasons are we cannot know, but you should think about what they could be. Or B) They never adviced her to leave you at all and you're just making that up to have someone/something to blame for her sudden will to not be together with you anymore.
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if my friend came to me and said her boyfriend was spitting out some mopey bullshit about how he was stressed and upset and needed a break to think about what he wanted (for the 2nd time in 8 years no less) id tell her you're a selfish idiot (as I am sure her friends did) and she deserves better.
people in good relationships draw off of each other in times of personal stress.
selfish assholes do what you did: bail, and then have the audacity to get pissy when the person comes to their senses and realizes how ridiculous it is to sit there and wait while you jerk them around. because it's really reassuring for the future when your fiance says 'hey i need a break' before you've even got a ring. what happens when you've got two kids and your stressed?
also, you sound incredibly immature about relationships overall, which i guess isnt surprising since you have had one girl for 8 years since high school. you sound really insecure and not trusting of your ex. i am not sure why eithe of you would allow yourself to be put in a position where someoen else is competitng for you, enabling it by talking to them. it sounds like some kinda security jealousy thing.
you also dont seem to trust that she's incapable of thinking on her own. you give absolutely not a second of thought that she might have realized on her own that you're a dick for bailing to reevaluate your feelings and expecting her to stay. you know shes lying, you can read her like a book, all these other people are influencing her, she gets erratic (but never broke it off because she's pissed)—do you not realize how 1950s bitches be crazy condescending this sounds???
leave the girl alone, and learn from your mistakes. you fucked up
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EPT
