The Pitchfork Preserver, May 5 - Page 6

On May 07 2013 03:46 Olex wrote:
Browder to Compete

In a surprise forum post, notable Blizzard figurehead Dustin Browder announced his intention to play in the as-yet-rumored Blizzard Cup open bracket. This marks an important change in Blizzard's long-time public stance, disallowing employees to actually play Blizzard games. A random player, Browder reports that preparation goes well, "There's a whole lot of room for development in the meta-game, right? Players are using just some of the tools in the arsenal but at the pro level we're just not seeing what our internal testing suggests should be the most stable playscape. I'm going to change that." Browder's manager and long-time bridge partner, David Kim, also provided this statement, "Yeah, we haven't seen Dusty in the office for a few weeks now. His away message on skype has been "I HAVE FOUND THE SECRET AND IT IS INDESTRUCTIBLE" for the last couple days and he's blowing through company keyboards. We're concerned, but his fierce competitive spirit is unmatched. Team Blizzard on the prowl, I guess."

Unforgiven

Since his defection to League earlier this year, Marcus "DJ Wheat" Wheat has been struggling to retain his position in the Starcraft community as slightly-older-dude-your-dad-can-relate-to-at-MLG. When asked about his original switch in a Skype interview, Wheat was unapologetic; "You gotta go where the money is, man. Look, I haven't done anything wrong by providing for my kids. MiniWheat's gotta eat." He understands however, as we all do, that League's emergence is short-lived. Recently, Riot announced that streams seem to have peaked, averaging just 400,000 concurrent viewers per hour, per event. As the ship abandons you will see other personalities continue to return, and even redefine themselves as true-blue SC2 fan boys. "I'm getting a Kerrigan tattoo on my bicep. Frankly, honestly, I've been thinking of getting it for a while. I fucking love SC2, man. I love it. It's the best. It's the only game. I love you guys, really. Please. I love you." The interview was cut short due to an upcoming League of Legends Tournament.