EPTThere I was, riding home pedaling on my bike, near a good 18 MPH with the cool breeze blowing against my face. I made it across the intersection and about 5 blocks from my home when suddenly, my body reminded me of what inveitably happens after you eat..... you shit. So there I was, bike stopped on the side of the road near a telephone pole, ass cheeks clenched praying to God that I wasn't going to shit my pants, and in case anyone felt the need to look outside of their home, I held my cell phone up to my ear as if I had stopped to take a phone call.
However, the pain kept on. Now I don't know if you know how this feels, but being outside, sweaty, in 90+ degree weather with your bowel shaking more than Japan after an earthquake, is not a pleasant feeling. I managed to get back on my bike, standing at that point since I couldn't sit down on the bike's seat. I began to slowly ride back home, with the determination of a cannibal chasing down the nearest fat woman.
I had made it. I was home. However, the relief was not only mental, but physical as well. IT was coming. The plague. The storm of all storms. The assplosion.. there was no time to make it inside. I quickly hurried for the fence by the side of my house, which concealed me from the vision of any of my neighbors. I managed to make a slight frown face just before the golden explosion of shit began to propel out of my ass like a midget out of a cannon. However, this "midget" managed to smear all over the fence behind me. This managed to continue on for 2-3 minutes, as my face just became more and more sad.
It was done, the deed was finished. I had to get inside though still... I managed to pull up my shorts, which inevitably, had "left overs" to greet me. I ran inside, changed, and showered again like never before. When my mother came home to put the trash cans back in, she was greeted by the Unholy Destruction and nearly got sick. I don't know how that shit disappeared, but I never cleaned it up.
Worst day ever.
