$7000 Fraud Situation Part #1 - Page 2

Iranon

United States983 Posts

February 02 2013 17:40 GMT

#21

On February 03 2013 01:59 TylerThaCreator wrote:
i know its heat of the moment shit but if they leave you alone..call the cops. wth?

interesting story so far though

Yeah, if I read things properly, you were in the bank alone, right? You can tell the teller what's going on, describe the car in the next parking lot over, and (s)he'll call the cops for you while making it look like nothing is going on. They would have responded to a call from a bank pretty quickly.

v1dom

159 Posts

February 02 2013 18:38 GMT

#22

You are unbelievably retarded.

Once inside the bank you stand around for 15-20 minutes while they "validate" a check? Why didn't you tell them that some guys were forcing you at gunpoint to cash this check please call the police, then stand around for 15-20 minutes until the cops arrive, then give them the finger.

And then instead of going to the police "Out of the question" you're going to go vigilante justice on some guys that brandished a gun on you.

In before OP gets shot over nothing.

metbull

United States404 Posts

February 02 2013 19:16 GMT

#23

So~so work of fiction.

Rewrite this and clean up the grammar.
Also you need to tighten up a lot of the story to even make it semi-believable.

Example:
Now if "Jessica" had been in the car with your friend & friend's "cousin," held at gun-point; that would have made it more believable that you cashed the $6800 check (which you gave a gun toting pistoleer only $6500 and kept $300 (because you've go massive balls?))
In order to do that (keep $300 from the tattooed fiend) you need to establish your own character as having a) a chip on his shoulder and wouldn't be told to break the law/threaten your friend, b) being a "big hard hero" (aka Superman complex) or c) showing that you are able to outsmart common thugs, d) etc. This then gives your character some sense of credibility to investigate further.

2/5

A good starting point for a short story.

notprogamer

16 Posts

February 02 2013 19:49 GMT

#24

I know how the story ends.

'What did I do, you ask? I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said “fresh” and there were dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought “naw forget it, yo home to bel-air!” I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie “yo homes smell ya later!” Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there. To settle my throne as the prince of bel-air.'

ailouros

United States193 Posts

February 02 2013 20:36 GMT

#25

So the check still had to go through but you got the full $6800 after waiting in the bank for 30 mins? I don't understand.

You pulled out $6800 of your own funds to give to them while the check is being validated because you deposited it??

AgentW

United States7725 Posts

February 02 2013 20:49 GMT

#26

On February 03 2013 04:16 metbull wrote:
Now if "Jessica" had been in the car with your friend & friend's "cousin," held at gun-point; that would have made it more believable that you cashed the $6800 check (which you gave a gun toting pistoleer only $6500 and kept $300 (because you've go massive balls?))

I agree, I can't imagine it going like this:

Gunman: You're going to go in there and get me X exorbitant amount of money, alone, or I'll shoot you!
OP: Okay, whatever man.
*walks in and after a while, back out*
OP: Here's X minus 300 dollars because your petty attempts to threaten my life have inconvenienced me. Count yourself as lucky.
Gunman: Eh, close enough.